Saudi women banned from self-service check-outs

SAUDI women have been banned from using supermarket self check-outs amid fears the female voiced systems could lead to homosexuality and the extinction of virgins.

It may as well be a Shakira concert

Expert clerics claim that left unattended, women will quickly enter a deluded self-swiping frenzy, stacking trolleyloads of loose vegetables and miscellaneous pastries into an endless teetering tower of sexual decadence.

Dr Milad Al Ibrahim, said: “One minute a simple young woman is hesitantly ‘choosing item from list’, the next she’s beeping herself silly, slurring about her captain’s log and ‘accidentally’ exposing her nipples during knife fights on strange planets with men who are not relatives.”

Riyadi shopper, Basma El Gowaz said: “I can see how the system is only trying to protect me. For example, if I use one of my own bags, the checkout believes me. Because I used two, approval was needed and a man had to come and check my virtue.

“Luckily, the Saudi kinship law meant he could legally perform the bag check after ingesting some of my breastmilk. Thank God for that because otherwise things would’ve just been weird between us.”

Engineer Abdurahman Fouad said: “Have I swiped my nectar card? I don’t think I like this woman’s presumptuous tone.

“Next, it’ll be ‘do you think the teabag just jumps from the sink into the bin by itself’ and ‘what is this sticky stuff on the side of the bath?’.

“When I want this kind of mouthy backchat, I’ll go home and empty a chicken biryani into the dishwasher.”

Dr Al Ibrahim added: “And there goes an emotionally traumatised wretch who will spend this Saturday night watching boxsets of The Golden Girls with some guy he met in Prêt a Manger.”