THE socio-economic system which has governed much of the globe for over a century finally stopped working at around 9pm last night, the United Nations has confirmed.

Ninety-four fucking pence!

"We're planting crops for fuel instead of food in order to make it cheaper to drive to the shops where we then buy food that is much more expensive because we've planted crops for fuel instead of food. You can see where I'm going with this, right?

"Meanwhile, the banks are borrowing money from taxpayers so that they can then lend the same money back to the taxpayers at a higer rate of interest than they borrowed it from them in the first place. Seriously, is it just me?

"Anyway, point is, we're a bit stumped. The communist one doesn't work either - in fact it's probably even worse, and you just end up queuing to buy matches and soap and huddling around oil drums, swigging home made vodka and smoking pathetic, little fags made out of hedge clippings.

"So, if anyone does have any spare systems lying around that they're not using, please do email me at This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it "

Wayne Hayes, a shopper from Gloucester, said: "I don't know nothing about systems, all I know is I just paid 94p for some butter. What the fuck is that about?"

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