US not intelligent enough to withstand Washington earthquake, say experts
AMERICA may not have sufficient intelligence to withstand a seismic event at the centre of its political establishment, experts have warned.
Researchers said that instead of seeing the Washington earthquake as the consequence of stored elastic strain energy driving fracture propagation along a fault plane, millions of Americans will think it was Angry Jesus.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Right now, preachers, presidential candidates, Christian bloggers and Christine O’Donnell, the gay-hating wiccan, will be debating whether the earthquake is God’s frustration at excessive government spending or an attempt to ban abortion by turning the Supreme Court into a pile of rubble, thus destroying the piece of paper that Roe v Wade is written on.
“If you look at these read-outs from the idio-seismometer you can see that whenever there is an earthquake, a flood, a volcanic eruption, or a big wind, there is a spike in the number of people who believe that homosexuals are being punished for having all that sex.
“But when the wrath of God is visited upon Washington DC it opens up numerous justifications for the Almighty’s righteous fury, from the constitutional debt ceiling to Michelle Obama’s uppity Harvard law degree.
“Mark my words this is a prophecy of the end time, the end of days, the rapture, the Battle of Armageddon or some other complete fucking bollocks that will be believed by the 18-wheel truck-load.
“We’re also currently working on a correlation between the idio-seismometer read-outs and the donations to the Pat Robertson Wrathful Christ Funtime Children’s Bible Hour.”
Wayne Hayes, dean of the University of the American Family, said: “Once again these so-called ‘scientists’ and ‘seismologists’ think they know more about Jesus than we do.
“How many more earthquakes is it going to take until they pack away their microscopes for ever?”