Villagers Demand Return Of Flaccid, Old School Nudists

A FRENCH village plagued by an influx of copulating naturists is campaigning for the return of overweight, erection-free volley ball players.

'Would you like a game of ping-pong?'

Cap d’Agde, home to one of Europe’s largest nudist colonies, has seen a dramatic increase in outdoor intercourse, which residents fear will attract large numbers of camera crews shooting sub-Eurotrash documentaries for ailing cable channels.

Local councillor Jean-Pierre Lafarge, said: “Naturism is one of zose zings which, like cupcakes and camping, is very difficult to tolerate once it becomes fashionable.

“We are happy to accept saggy, 1970s-style nudists wiz ze sandals and ze weirdly distended bellies who basically have normal, shit holidays while naked.”

From next April anyone judged to be more attractive than either Harold or Madge from Neighbours will be barred, while any couple caught having intercourse will be covered with a tarpaulin.

Meanwhile Emma Bradford, a nude 54-year-old civil servant from Peterborough, dismissed claims that wanting to take your clothes off in public is just weird.

“It’s not about sex or exhibitionism. It’s about being addicted to the sensation of hot fat spraying against my nude thighs as I barbecue thick, meaty sausages in front of a dozen old men wearing nothing but tennis socks.”

Bradford’s completely nude, 71 year-old friend, Roy Hobbs, added: “I fail to see what is unusual about a retired submarine commander talking to you on a public beach, naked except for his Millets sandals and his swingball bat, with his pendulous scrotum baking gently in the sun and his long, thin penis experiencing a rolling series of partial erections while you stare at his face with the intensity of a rattlesnake.”