WE'RE A GIGANTIC COUNTRY FILLED WITH OIL, GAS AND WHEAT, RUSSIA REMINDS EU

RUSSIA brushed aside the threat of EU sanctions last night, stressing it is a vast country, filled to bursting with absolutely everything it needs.

Moscow is braced for a Bovril shortage

As foreign secretary David Miliband told Russia its continued support for South Ossetian independence was incredibly rude, the Russians continued with their purchase of another 700 square miles of Surrey.

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin said: "Sanction what? Maybe you cut off supplies of Colman's mustard and H and P sauce, yes?

"Or maybe you cut off supply of gas and oil. Oh wait, we have more gas and oil than all you put together. In fact I am having more gas in lower intestine than in all of North Sea. You want my gas?

"Maybe we cut off your gas and no turn back on until you sing Bryan Adams song and give foot massage."

He added: "Also I have wheat farm size of France so am being unlikely to starve. Or maybe I just take half of grain from farm and use it to bury Scotland. You know, for laugh.

"But, oh no, maybe you cut off foreign investment, yes? Maybe you no buy our football teams, our mansions and our vast, highland shooting estates?

"Anyway, who care? We go do business with Arab and Chinese who not give gold-plated, sweet and sour shit."

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