World Breathes Easy As Sad Little Man Decides He’s Had Enough Attention

THE world was breathing a sigh of relief last night as the self-appointed head of a tiny church decided he had had enough attention for the time being.

It wasn't even the real Terry Jones

Pastor Terry Jones said he would return to exploiting workers in his faith-based furniture business after getting the entire planet to stop what it was doing and listen to his idiotic nonsense for over a week.

He said: “That was remarkably easy. In fact it sort of feels like a wasted opportunity. Oh well.

“I don’t suppose anyone would like to buy a dining table?”

But as Jones went back to being a lonely fruitcake, thousands of other people who represent no-one unveiled their plans to be phoned-up by President Obama and told they are a threat to world peace.

Bill McKay, from Grantham, said: “I’ve just set up the Global Church for Love and Freedom. At the moment it’s me, my blow-up wife, our two beautiful DVD players and my invisible friend Stephen.

“It’s currently based behind my fridge, but we are hoping to move to the downstairs lavatory if Stephen brings along some of his chums.

“Anyway, this weekend, as an act of protest, myself and my wife are going to set fire to this drawing of Buddha because I hate Buddha. His values offend me and he is also the Devil.

“Now, which microphone would you like me to speak into? Shall we start by talking about the kind of person I am and what motivates me?”

Helen Archer, founder of the International Centre for a Global World, currently based on the passenger seat of her Honda Jazz, said: “To mark the 164th anniversary of the invention of the sewing machine, I am going to take an electric sander to this statue of the Virgin Mary, because it looked at me strangely.

“I will not back down until Princess Anne takes me to see Toy Story 3 and buys me a strawberry Cornetto.”