Time deliberately speeding up and slowing down just to f**k with you

TIME deliberately goes faster when you are enjoying something and grinds to a halt when you are in a miserable situation, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies discovered time gets a sadistic kick out of shortening pleasant experiences like a trip to Alton Towers and prolonging horrible ones like exams.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We used to think time was the subjective perception of the linear progression of events, but now we know time is actually just a massive bastard.

“Time appears to have a grudge against people. That’s why double geography used to feel like it went on forever, whereas sex is over before you know it.”

Time victim Tom Booker said: “I had to take a 10-hour flight last month which lasted 20 years. Then my two-week holiday lasted five minutes, before another couple of decades getting home.”

Time said: “I hate that wanker Booker. You should have seen it when I sped up his last birthday – he barely got to cut the cake before it was over. I was pissing myself.

“I hear he’s got root canal work booked for next week. This week is going to fly by then it’s going to be the longest tooth-drilling session in history.”