THE Government is demanding a return to traditional methods of bullying after an upsurge in the use of mobile phones to exchange threats and insults.

Ed Balls is kicking your peas at hometime

"We want to see kids enjoying the sense of community that comes from getting into a gang and physically picking on the one kid in the school - let's call him Douglas - with no sense of style and the wrong trainers."

"A few years ago mobile phones were so huge they could really do some damage if you hit someone. You'd barely feel one of the new ones, so people send a text instead. Pathetic.

"We want to see a child - let's call him Douglas - grabbed by his arms and legs and his balls rammed repeatedly into an iron post.

"We want to see him chased round a big table until he is exhausted and his pants ripped off in front of a jeering crowd. We want to see a commitment to super-wedgies.

"If we can do it in Cabinet, you can do it in the playground."

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