THE Bank of England is to give a brand new £5 note to each reader of The Daily Mash as part of its drive to stem the growing shortage of fivers in circulation. 

All readers need do to get their fiver is present a print-out of this page at the counter of their local bank branch and say “I am Mervyn King and I claim my five pounds”.

Alternatively they can present the page at the wages department of their employer which will hand over a new fiver on the spot, and then claim it back from the Bank of England at the end of the month.

Mervyn King, the Governor of the Bank of England, said he was overjoyed that The Daily Mash and its readers had selflessly offered their help to alleviate the current chronic fiver shortage.

He said: “I’ve got £1 billion of brand new fivers just sitting in a box in my office but I had no idea how to get them into circulation, apart from hitting the lapdancing clubs every lunchtime.

“However, there is a limit to the amount of cash that even a sex-starved bespectacled middle-aged man can shove into the garters of these young ladies so your help will be much appreciated."

Nikki Cox, marketing director of The Daily Mash, said: “This is all just super, really super.”

But Angela Knight, chief executive of the British Bankers Association, said there was no problem with dirty fivers as far as she was aware. She said: “I have mine washed and ironed every week by my housekeeper, don’t you?”

*This is an offer by the Bank of England and we at The Daily Mash are just telling you about it, because we are nice like that. So don't come crying to us if your bank says it does not know what you are talking about, go direct to the Bank of England and they will sort it out. Offer ends 20th June 2007.
 

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