JILTED royal girlfriend Kate Middleton is to campaign for the abolition of the monarchy and the establishment of a British republic.

Prince William: beastly

"It may look like the spiteful reaction of someone who's just been dumped, but actually Kate has been planning this for years," said Bragg.

"Everyone thought she was studying art history at St Andrews, even William. But actually she was really into radical politics and stuff like that."

An early draft of Middleton's campaign strategy reveals that she has nothing against the Prince and will "always care about him" but believes he is too "selfish and insensitive" and would "make a rubbish king anyway".

According to the strategy document: 

• The monarchy is an archaic institution which perpetuates a divided society and forgets people's birthdays two years in a row.

• A democratically elected head-of-state would be more representative and would know what my favourite film is.

• You cannot position yourself as the Supreme Governor of the Church of England and be looking at my friend's breasts.

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