30-year-old still too cool to put bag straps over both shoulders

A GROWN man has revealed that he is still too cool to put both of his bag straps over both shoulders when out in public.

Mum and dad admit they both used to fancy David Bowie

A MIDDLE-AGED married couple have admitted that David Bowie was their first mutual crush.

Lottery decided completely at random, complains angry Britain

UNSUCCESSFUL Lotto players have complained about the arbitrary way the numbers are drawn.

Man still going on about meeting The Strokes 14 f**king years ago

A MAN who met The Strokes nearly 14 years ago still brings it up at the slightest opportunity.

UK to remain willfully ignorant of what 'alcohol unit' means

THE UK has happily accepted new drinking guidelines of 14 units a week because it has no idea what that means.  

Last man to still use the phrase 'having it off' dies

THE last man in the UK to describe sexual intercourse as 'having it off' has died, aged 78.

GCSE coursework moved to accommodate Easter egg consumption

GCSE COURSEWORK dates are to be moved to allow pupils enough time to eat all their Easter eggs.

Discarded crisp packet captivates social media

BRITAIN’S offices have ground to a halt after workers discovered a live video feed of a discarded crisp packet lying in a street.