News

There are no records of temperatures, Met Office admits

THE Met Office has confessed that no weather records have been kept because it seemed like a really boring thing to do.

Good performance at work to be rewarded with stickers

MEETING or exceeding work targets is now being recognised with a range of shiny stickers.

Hong Kong protesters display refreshing lack of dreadlocks

PRO-DEMOCRACY protesters in Hong Kong have been praised for having normal hair and not wearing stupid clown costumes.

Old school acquaintance acting like you were friends

A FORMER school classmate is behaving as if you had a much closer relationship than was actually the case.

Sober October deferred until No-Drink November

DRINKERS who vowed not to touch alcohol for one month have decided to delay the pledge for thirty days or so.

Mark E Smith closing in on escaped Fall member

THE Fall frontman Mark E Smith is close to recapturing an escaped bass guitarist who has been on the run for several days.

House spiders must prove they are catching flies

SPIDERS living rent-free in houses must provide evidence that they are actually killing flies.

Fancy burgers not actually that great

FANS of fashionable US-type food have been reminded that it is just meat with cheese on it.