Processed red meat found to sort you out

EATING large amounts of fried and processed red meat sorts you out, it has been confirmed.

Man seems to think he helped out with World War Two

A 42-YEAR-OLD man thinks he had something to do with Britain’s historical military victories.

Trump to deport everyone who is not Native American

PRESIDENT-ELECT Donald Trump has confirmed plans to deport 318 million non-Native American immigrants.

'Hungover' now recognised as a school of philosophy

THE wisdom and insight that comes with a hangover is to be taught as part of philosophy courses.

Everyone getting hammered tonight for bad reasons

BRITAIN is to get hammered as usual tonight but for bad reasons, not celebratory, end-of-the-week ones.

Entire crowd at gig is ticket-buying bots

A BIFFY Clyro gig in Glasgow is expected to be the first entirely attended by online ticket-buying bots.

Farage to act as go-between for Trump and nearest Domino’s

NIGEL Farage will be Donald Trump’s high powered ‘go-between’ whenever the new president wants to eat some pizza.

Leonard Cohen’s music perfect for feeling sad about Leonard Cohen

THE music of Leonard Cohen is perfect for fans feeling desolate and melancholic about his death, they have confirmed.