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Queen manically texting to find out what the hell she did last night

THE Queen is frantically texting friends, family and courtiers to find out what the hell she got up to while blackout drunk last night.

Mum sending message via WhatsApp, Viber, Facebook, text and email perfectly aware they all go to same device

A MUM sending the same message via five different platforms is perfectly aware that they all goes to her daughter’s one phone, she has confirmed.

It's my wedding today too, and I'll spend the entire day pretending I'm not f**ked off

Thanks to the spontaneous decision of some tuppenny ha’penny TV actress and a wastrel who happens to be sixth in line to the throne, I will spend the best day of my life hiding the fact that I’m incredibly pissed off.

Saturday, May 19th 2018: A day to clean the fridge

ACROSS the country, British people are readying themselves for a once-in-a-lifetime fridge-cleaning moment.

Man who hates 'fake-looking' women wants girlfriend with natural 36GG breasts

A MAN who hates the ‘plastic surgery look’ is searching for a girlfriend who has extraordinarily large natural breasts.    

What is 'savings'? ask under-30s

YOUNG people have been left confused by an obscure term used by financial experts called ‘savings’.  

Who will walk Meghan up the aisle?

WITH Meghan Markle’s father in Mexico, the actress has a tough choice to make about who will give her away. Here are the bookies’ favourites.  

The Guardian reader's guide to pretending you're not interested in the royal wedding

ARE you a Guardian reader who’s secretly captivated by Harry and Meghan’s wedding? Here’s how to enjoy every moment while pretending not to.