News

‘Mild torture’ aids worker productivity

GETTING workers to stand up until their legs hurt can help them to know their place, according to bosses.

London hedgehogs survive by being bastards

HEDGEHOGS in London have survived by emulating the rude, pushy behaviour of their human counterparts.

Hot baths solve nothing

GOING for a long, relaxing hot bath will do nothing whatsoever about any of your problems, Britain has been told.

Jesus back as a fish

JESUS has returned as a sawfish, spreading his gospel and digging out crustaceans.

Middle class people still convinced science is evil

SCIENCE is basically evil despite things like cancer treatment, according to most middle class people.

Man paralysed with fear of being dubbed a hipster

A 29-YEAR-OLD man has been left unable to do anything because he fears any activity could be deemed ‘hipsterish’.

Child benefit limited to Ladybird book children

CHILD benefit will only be given to families whose children resemble the 1950s youngsters in Ladybird books.

My work has a profound existentialist subtext, says BGT dog

THE performing dog that won Britain’s Got Talent has described how his work grapples with complex themes such as the illusory nature of reality.