News

Britons buying six weeks of supplies for single day shops are shut

THE UK is buying in six weeks’ worth of groceries to get them through Easter Sunday when all supermarkets are closed.

Britain’s only observer of Lent in chocolate disaster

THE only person in Britain who still does Lent is in the midst of a savage chocolate frenzy.

Christ got crucified very early this year

EASTER takes place a week before the end of March because Jesus was crucified very early this year 1,986 years ago.

We’ll celebrate your birthday if we get a day off, Britain tells Queen

THE UK has told the Queen it will celebrate her 90th birthday if she gives everyone a day off work.

Most people wondering why Batman would possibly be against Superman

THE title of the film Batman v Superman makes absolutely no sense to most people, it has been confirmed.

ISIS issues tired, idiotic cliches

ISIS has tried and failed to issue a scary-sounding statement.

Idiot parents given own schools to cause trouble in

SPECIAL schools without pupils are being set up for troublemaker parents who just want to shout at teachers, the government has announced.

I'm just a metaphor for sex, realises Easter Bunny

THE Easter Bunny has expressed shock and disgust that he's just some weird metaphor for sex.