News

Daily Mail still surprised that people who went to public school can f*ck up

THE Daily Mail will never get over the novelty of privately educated people making bad decisions, it has been confirmed.

Opinions restricted to those who have seen new Adam Curtis film

PEOPLE who have yet to watch Adam Curtis's Bitter Lake have been banned from expressing views on anything.

Oscars ceremony includes moving tribute to shit films

LAST night's Academy Awards featured an emotional tribute to the dire cinematic fodder that keeps the industry going.

Overpaid council boss refreshingly open about it

LOCAL council chief Tom Logan has responded to criticism of his immense salary by confirming he is one lucky mediocre bastard.

Britain arguing over who hated Blur first

THE UK is locked in argument about who was the first person to realise that Blur were the most loathsome band ever.

The Daily Telegraph's promise to its readers, sponsored by Canesten

The Daily Telegraph makes no apology for the way it has treated irritants claiming we are beholden to our advertisers, just as the Canesten range treats irritation quickly and effectively.

Movie franchises to continue until end of universe

SCI-FI film franchises will continue for thousands of years after every person currently living has passed away, Hollywood has confirmed.

Jon Snow doing crack for ‘this other TV thing’

NEWSREADER Jon Snow has told friends that he has become a crack addict for a documentary, despite not appearing to be followed by cameras.