News

We’ll celebrate your birthday if we get a day off, Britain tells Queen

THE UK has told the Queen it will celebrate her 90th birthday if she gives everyone a day off work.

Most people wondering why Batman would possibly be against Superman

THE title of the film Batman v Superman makes absolutely no sense to most people, it has been confirmed.

ISIS issues tired, idiotic cliches

ISIS has tried and failed to issue a scary-sounding statement.

Idiot parents given own schools to cause trouble in

SPECIAL schools without pupils are being set up for troublemaker parents who just want to shout at teachers, the government has announced.

I'm just a metaphor for sex, realises Easter Bunny

THE Easter Bunny has expressed shock and disgust that he's just some weird metaphor for sex.

Bellend community accused of sheltering Trump

DONALD Trump remains at large because fellow bellends refuse to disclose his whereabouts, it has been claimed.

The Night Manager climax leaked by someone who has read the book

THE BBC has been left red-faced after the ending to The Night Manager was revealed by a woman who has read the bestselling novel it is based on.

Girlfriends demand more spots to squeeze

BRITAIN’S girlfriends are demanding that their partners get more spots and then allow them to squeeze them.