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Britain declares itself finally ready for epic festival of self-indulgence

THE UK has declared itself just about ready to eat and drink everything it wants while awarding itself expensive gifts.

Friend borrows DVD in full knowledge he will never give it back

A MAN has borrowed a DVD from his friend knowing full well he will never return it.

Drinking alone great, lone drinkers confirm

DRINKING alone does not deserve its bad reputation, according to solo drinkers already on their second bottle of wine.

Men claim every 80s action movie is a Christmas movie

MEN are arguing that every action movie made in the 1980s is a heartwarming seasonal film, not just Die Hard.

Mother Teresa sainthood paperwork 'a massive ball ache', says Pope

POPE Francis has filled in the lengthy forms for Mother Teresa's 'miracles' to be approved by Jesus.

Look at this photo and be grateful, you scum, Britain told

BRITAIN has been ordered to look at this delightful photograph and thank the Royal Family for existing.

Britain absolutely dreading Cameron’s first Star Wars reference

BRITAIN is anxiously awaiting David Cameron’s attempt to ingratiate himself with a Star Wars reference.

Blood rain turns you goth, Met Office warns

THE Met Office has warned that anyone exposed to today's 'blood rain' will turn into a goth.