Users of medieval language to receive medieval punishments

ANYONE using faux-medieval phrases like 'Methinks' or 'good Sir' is to be given medieval punishments like the rack and the Iron Maiden.

Kardashian photo breaks human spirit

A PHOTO of Kim Kardashian extending her buttocks has destroyed the very essence of what it is to be human.

Vegetarians developing 'pulled' cabbage

VEGETARIANS are developing 'pulled' versions of their idea of food.

Racists no longer bothering to say ‘I’m not a racist, but…’

RACISTS feel it is now socially acceptable to just come straight out with it.

Comet landing is empirically cool so shut up, say experts

LANDING a robot on a comet is objectively amazing and anyone who disagrees must be shunned, experts have confirmed.

Interns planning to be monstrous once they have power

UNPAID workers spend most of their time imagining how vile they will be to other interns once they get promoted, it has emerged.

Sleazy men ‘just doing a character’

BRITAIN’S sleazy men have confirmed that they are just performing as their amusingly ribald alter egos.

Banks admit they have not done anything legal since 1978

BRITAIN’S banks are in their 36th year of unbroken criminality, it has been confirmed.