News

Living near a Waitrose makes you a 12 per cent better person

A WAITROSE within a mile of your home improves your wisdom, altruism and lovemaking by 12 per cent.

Everyone a winner in Holborn fire

A LONDON fire has been hailed as a hero after thousands got the afternoon off work and Mamma Mia! was cancelled.

M&S clothing sales up as Britain stops caring about appearance

BRITAIN has returned to buying clothes from Marks and Spencer after realising that caring about appearances is shallow and worthless.

Poor people must eat gentrified burgers

FAST food outlets in poorer areas must become a bit fancy, it has been confirmed.

Channel 5 unveils documentary about middle-class arseholes

CHANNEL 5 is making a documentary about feckless, irresponsible idiots who happen to be middle class.

Zoe Wanamaker would make a great Darth Vader, says Miliband

ED Miliband believes that Zoe Wanamaker would bring a fresh twist to the role of Darth Vader.

Bosses hired on ability to sack people while eating a sandwich

THE key qualification for being a business leader is the ability to fire people while consuming food.

Wi-fi password should be screamed into guests' faces at door

HOUSEGUESTS should be greeted with the wi-fi password at maximum volume, according to new etiquette guidelines.