Siberian virus not at all like 'The Thing' say weirdly glassy-eyed scientists

AN ANCIENT virus found beneath the Siberian permafrost cannot infect and control humans, according to scientists with odd monotone voices.

Curse of the ‘Oscars selfie’ begins as Meryl Streep eaten by bats

MERYL Streep has become the first person in the historic ‘Oscars selfie’ to fall victim to its curse.

'Couples' railcard to trap thousands in hateful relationships

PEOPLE in damaging relationships will stay together to get a third off rail travel, it has been claimed.

Boris unveils latest obvious solution

BORIS Johnson has unveiled his newest idea that could not possibly go wrong.

Call of Duty coming true

CALL of Duty: Modern Warfare, which involves Russian ultranationalists sparking a civil war, is happening on the world stage.

Moleskine notebooks best for unfinished ideas

MOLESKINE notebooks are perfect for creative projects that will never be completed, according to aspiring writers.

Everyone to get gold object

ANY person with a job is to be given a gold object and lots of attention, it has emerged.

UK most at risk from sexy women, says GCHQ

BRITAIN'S surveillance agency has revealed plans to gather more data on naturally buxom females.