News

Men with sports cars to use £10k speeding fine as new penis measure

MEN who define themselves with fast cars have pledged to become the first of their ilk to get a £10,000 speeding fine.

Pimm’s voted best drink with vegetables floating in it

SUMMER favourite Pimm’s has once again been named as best alcoholic drink with chunks of vegetable in it.

Schools to teach values, awareness and maybe some maths and English

BRITAIN’S schools are to focus on the key subjects of values, awareness and cultural identity.

Computers now capable of ill-informed opinions

A COMPUTER programme has mimicked a human conversation by ignoring what the other person said and spouting hackneyed, tabloid nonsense.

90 per cent of speeches now end with ‘f*ck all of my haters’

MOST speeches at christenings, graduation ceremonies and conferences now end with the speaker inviting any haters to fuck themselves.

£60 fixed penalty for drunk texting

A £60 fixed penalty will be introduced for anyone texting while under the influence of alcohol.

Still another 100 days until end of dreary Scottish argument

THE utterly hellish argument about what happens to Scotland still has another 100 days to go, it has been confirmed.

Homeless deterred with buzzards

LONDON’S homeless are to be dealt with using birds of prey.