Afternoon drinking session descends into men struggling with heartburn

AN afternoon drinking session has descended into a group of middle-aged men each privately trying to manage their terrible heartburn.

We still look up 'tits' in the dictionary, confirm schoolchildren

SECONDARY schoolchildren across the UK have confirmed that despite this modern internet age they still look up rude words in the dictionary.

Wetherspoons barmaid looking forward to quiet, civilised Saturday evening shift

A WETHERSPOONS barmaid is looking forward to a chilled, stress-free shift this evening, she has confirmed.

Builders actually intellectual ponces when you're not around

BUILDERS’ blokey behaviour is put on to disguise their pretentious cultural interests, it has emerged.  

Couple's holiday photos are a filthy rotten lie

A COUPLE who posted hundreds of idyllic holiday photos on Facebook actually had a horrific week of blazing rows and food poisoning.  

Calzone just f**ked up pizza, admit chefs

CHEFS have finally admitted calzone is just a normal pizza they have bollocksed up.  

£50m of extra schools funding going to Hogwarts

THE government has been criticised for giving all £50m of its new schools funding to the elitist institution Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

'We were just talking about you' code for 'We were just saying what a twat you are'

ANYONE who says ‘We were just talking about you’ has definitely just been laughing about your failings as a human being.