Keeping cannabis illegal ‘sends important message that you can ignore laws if you want’

THE government is keeping cannabis illegal to send a message that you can pick and choose which laws to obey, it has confirmed.

Middle class grandparents demand ridiculous ‘original’ nicknames

A PAIR of middle class grandparents have confirmed that names like 'granny' and 'grandad' are too boring for people as unique and special as them.

Black pudding and haggis hybrid escapes from high security butchers

A THING that is both black pudding and haggis has escaped from a high security butcher’s shop.

Man in favour of more competition doesn’t realise he would be f**ked

A MAN who supports grammar schools and other forms of competition in life is unaware he would fail spectacularly under those arrangements.

Man who ‘believes in British values’ just likes Christmas and dislikes immigrants

A MAN who claims to love traditional British values cannot explain what they are in any detail.

Woman mistakenly believes she was fun and interesting before having kids

A MOTHER-OF-TWO incorrectly believes she was a really fun and exciting person before having children.

Clinton takes ill as Trump closes poll gap and everyone goes to their happy place

HILLARY Clinton’s illness and Donald Trump’s improving poll ratings have led to a global upsurge in thinking happy thoughts about lovely things.

30-year-old man unveils plan to just get fatter and fatter

A 30-YEAR-OLD man has announced that he will be getting fatter and fatter over the coming decades.