A CANCER cure has lost out on Kickstarter to a humorous scheme to buy a garden gnome a hat.
TESCO has launched a special Tight Bastard range aimed at misers.
BRITAIN is reeling under an onslaught of Pimm’s-fuelled violence and disorder due to forgetting that the summer drink is alcoholic.
SCOTLAND'S official uniform for the Commonwealth Games is intended to start a war with England.
PRODUCERS have confirmed that the next Bond movie will feature him getting kicked out of Wetherspoons.
THE new season of Doctor Who will involve space travel, monsters and chase sequences, leaked scripts have revealed.
TOMCAT Roy Hobbs says he can't be bothered to catch mice, preferring to eat shitloads of Go-Cat.
TWITTER is being abandoned by users aged 16-24 in favour of the thriving and lawless Vanish Tip Exchange.