News

Britain realises it can only handle a four-day week

BRITONS have confirmed that four days of work per week is the most they can be expected to cope with.

Scottish Labour beaten into ninth place by Human Sacrifice Party

THE Labour Party in Scotland has finished ninth behind a party promising more human sacrifices.

Commuters delighted at train delays for actual reason

LONDON commuters delayed for hours by a fire on the tracks at Vauxhall are thrilled that there is a genuine reason for once.

Lobsters mental

EVERYONE should take a moment to consider how mental lobsters are, according to experts.

Man launches failed attempt to do something that is not the pub

A SUNSHINE-INSPIRED attempt to do a social activity not involving the pub immediately died on its arse, it has emerged.

Non-Londoners don’t listen to podcasts because they are not constantly bored and lonely

PODCASTS are not listened to outside London because people there have friends, research has discovered.

Top level hipsters meet to discuss gammon

LEADING hipsters have met in a craft ale pub to discuss whether gammon should be the next food trend.

Leicester win exposing public to toxic levels of Kasabian

MILLIONS have been exposed to potentially deadly levels of Kasabian following Leicester City’s title win.