News

Men claiming to have attended disastrous music festivals to impress girls

THE best way to impress girls is to claim to have survived one of Britain’s many completely disastrous music festivals, men believe.

Banknotes to be kept delicious

THE Bank of England has vowed that £5 and £10 notes will continue to be the animal fat-packed extra-crispy flavourful savoury treats that Britain loves.

Scottish Conservatives announce Tory T in the Park

THE Scottish Conservative Party has announced that they will hold a Tory T In The Park to rival Tory Glastonbury.

Trump does not know difference between international diplomacy and Wrestlemania

SENIOR White House staff are attempting to teach President Trump the difference between sensitive international diplomacy and trash-talking a Hell In A Cell opponent.

Contaminated eggs give you an egg for a head

CONTAMINATED eggs will replace your entire head with the smooth, featureless ellipse of an egg, scientists have warned.

Paul McCartney unable to end live version of Hey Jude

FEARS are growing for Paul McCartney who is now 16 hours into an acoustic version of Hey Jude and appears unable to prevent another chorus.

Anti-materialism rant written on brand new iPhone

A FACEBOOK user has written a passionate rant against the evils of materialism on his brand new iPhone 7.

Sending a postcard the most pain-in-the-arse thing to do on holiday

MASTERING a foreign country's postal system to send two sentences to a relative ruins holidays, Britain has agreed.