Calais Jungle already turned into luxury apartments

THE refugee camp in Calais has already become luxury apartments that only footballers and bankers can afford.

Budgies demand to be released from weird people’s homes

BUDGERIGARS imprisoned by weirdos around the UK have issued a statement pleading to be set free.

Asda shoppers ‘just generally angry’

SHOPPERS at Asda are generally very angry people, it has emerged.

Friend from university is an arse now

A MAN who bumped into an old university friend has discovered that he is now a total dickhead.

Middle class family planning incredibly lame ethical Halloween

A MIDDLE class family is celebrating Halloween in a way that is respectful to witches and does not involve sweets.

Teacher unsure about getting smashed eighth night running

A TEACHER unsure if he can manage an eighth straight night of drinking acknowledged that half-term gives him little choice.

Man at dinner party may be leader of the Liberal Democrats

A SMARTLY-DRESSED man at a posh dinner party may well be Tim Farron, fellow guests have realised.

First wave of Bake Off support groups established 

GREAT British Bake Off fans will be able to judge the Victoria sponges of strangers under new support schemes.