News

Literal surnames to be reintroduced

MEDIEVAL-STYLE surnames that describe a person’s job or characteristics are to be brought back, the government has announced.

Tattooists asked to switch back to Chinese

TATTOO artists have been told to go back to using foreign languages by observers horrified by the trite sentiments of modern tattoos.

Yoghurt industry blamed for encouraging bacteria

THE yoghurt industry must start making antibiotic yoghurts or everyone will die, experts have claimed.

Thirtysomethings make half-hearted plan to meet up

SOME friends in their mid-thirties have made a vague, doomed plan to have a drink.

Dolphin pimps having another great year

FLORIDA’S dolphin-pimping businesses are enjoying a record-breaking summer.

Chupa Chup impossible to unwrap

A CHUPA Chups lolly has defeated all attempts to remove its plastic wrapping.

Glittering reception celebrates Britain's biggest twats

THE prime minister has hosted a drinks party honouring the economic contribution made by the country's twats.

Smackhead breaks walking speed record

HEROIN addict Tom Logan has reached a walking speed of 18 miles per hour while going to score.