News

‘Self-soothing’ is bollocks, says baby

A BABY girl has confirmed that 'self-soothing' as a way to get her to settle at night is a load of  bollocks.

Waitrose shoppers 'thrilled' to have excuse to go to Poundland

WAITROSE devotees going to Poundland to 'get rid of their old pound coins' have declared themselves to be 'utterly thrilled'.

Insanity is ‘refreshing Netflix again and again and expecting different results’, said Einstein

REPEATEDLY refreshing Netflix and expecting new and different content to appear is the definition of insanity, according to a newly discovered Einstein quote.

Londoner bewildered by laptop-free cafe

A LONDONER visiting a Costa Coffee in Stoke-on-Trent cannot understand where all the laptops have gone.

Teenagers at isolated camp on Friday 13th dutifully prepare to be murdered

A GROUP of teens staying at an isolated location have realised it is Friday October 13th and are resigned to their inevitable murders.

Cool teacher actually completely negligent

A POPULAR and inspirational English teacher puts no effort into her job whatsoever, she has admitted.

Morrissey was never in The Smiths, say fans

HISTORICAL revisionist Smiths fans have proved that Morrissey, long thought to be the singer and lyricist, was never actually in the band at all.

EU prepares next lovely big shit sandwich

THE EU is ready to move on to the second of the excrement-based sandwiches it has prepared for the UK, it has emerged.