News

How to boss people around by just wearing really expensive clothes

YOU could save hundreds of hours learning management skills by just dressing like an ostentatious arse.

What if they become friends? asks terrified world

THE world is terrified at the prospect of two spoilt, freak-haired idiots becoming best friends.

There’s no good time to say this but we always hated you, empty-nesters tell boomerang kids

EMPTY-NESTER parents have told their adult children not to move back home because they never liked them and they were a mistake.

Man uses mystic insight to convince wife they need new car

A MAN has convinced his wife that they need to upgrade their car with his automotive soothsayer abilities.  

Woman confuses ‘feminism’ with ‘talking about herself a lot’

A WOMAN believes feminism is about endlessly discussing her problems from a vaguely female perspective.

Ex-girlfriend knows exactly what she’s missing, thanks

A WOMAN whose ex-boyfriend asserts she ‘doesn’t know what she’s missing’ is actually entirely aware of what she is missing and could not be happier.

The NME remembered, by various wankers

YESTERDAY the New Musical Express announced it was scrapping its print edition after 66 years. We asked various bellends to share their memories of the legendary publication.

Meghan Markle baptised in blood of 400,000 lizards

THE blood of more than 400,000 lizards has cascaded over Meghan Markle on the altar of an underground church to make her Royal forever.