Primark to be zone in new Crystal Maze

PRIMARK will be one of the zones in the new live version of The Crystal Maze, it has been announced.

South East introduces hosepipe ban

EMERGENCY water conservation measures are being implemented in the South East just to show Northerners how much better it is down there.

Less beloved relatives getting inferior Christmas cards

BRITONS are coldly assessing the value of friends and relatives to decide what quality of Christmas card they should receive, it has emerged.

Britain has 36.4 million subtly different social classes

THE UK now has 36,402,339 different social classes, all of which can be detected and categorised in a face-to-face meeting in less than a minute.

Grey jumper counts as Christmas jumper, man argues

A MAN has argued that his grey jumper counts as a Christmas jumper because that is what Christmas feels like.

Mums’ arms dangerously overloaded with Pandora bracelets

AN EPIDEMIC of Pandora bracelets is pushing women’s arms to breaking point, doctors have warned.

Man with ‘bullshit detector’ seems to believe a lot of bullshit

A MAN who prides himself on being able to detect ‘bullshit’ believes some incredibly stupid things.

Trump claims Islam ‘f**ked up his hair’

DONALD Trump has accused Islam of ‘f**king up his once beautiful head of hair’.