News

I’m sick of being your f**king punchline, Michael Fish tells Britain

MICHAEL Fish is sick of being a byword for fucking up and you can all sod off, the infamous weatherman has declared.

Most Britons working either seven or seventy hours a week

BRITONS with jobs are either desperately under-employed freelancers or working like a bastard, it has emerged.

Giving up alcohol, cigarettes and sugar simultaneously 'not a problem', experts insist

JANUARY is the perfect time to stop smoking and drinking alcohol while simultaneously eating healthily and taking up exercise, experts believe.

Migrants 'should have to perform passable Morris dance'

ANYONE coming to the UK will need to demonstrate a respectable 'backswagger' and 'caper', say MPs.

Leaving EU 'will give UK citizens powers of super-strength and invisibility'

LEAVING the EU will give all Britons the power to turn invisible and the strength to lift a car with one hand, according to a government report.

Farage to sing 'Happy Birthday, Mr President' at Trump inauguration

NIGEL Farage will wear a white dress and heels to serenade Donald Trump at his presidential inauguration, it has been confirmed.

Middle class family makes rare appearance on front porch

A MIDDLE CLASS family have been spotted relaxing in front of their house, in a clear breach of social convention.

Every building in London to be a Pret A Manger by 2020

PRET A Manger has announced plans to open its ten millionth London branch by the end of the decade.