News

Men will keep going to B&Q every week even if it no longer exists

MEN have confirmed plans to continue going to B&Q on Saturdays, even if it is just to claw at the locked gates.

Everywhere to become luxury student accommodation

BRITAIN’s cities are to be levelled and replaced with fancy flats for privileged idiots with rich parents.

April Fools' pranksters can be murdered before midday

ANYONE perpetrating April Fools' Day pranks can be legally murdered before midday, experts have confirmed.

Everyone crying at films now

BRITAIN needs to get a bloody grip and stop crying every time it watches a film, experts have claimed.

Air DJing overtakes air guitar

MIMING the hand movements of DJing has finally overtaken air guitar solos.

Range Rover unveils most depressing vehicle in history

THE very existence of a new £150k Range Rover is enough to make you want to kill yourself, it has been claimed.

Competent cook convinced he is a fancy chef

A MAN has been deceived into thinking he is a professional chef by food websites and celebrity cookbooks.

Lots of cake left over at Piers Morgan’s 50th

MOST of the food at Piers Morgan’s 50th birthday party remained uneaten, it has been confirmed.