MUD-COVERED Glastonbury wretches have agreed it is best if the festival is held in a big sports hall from now on.
THE number of old ladies being helped to cross British streets has plummeted since Friday.
SOMEONE has briefly changed the subject, it has been confirmed.
SUNDERLAND will become a gleaming, futuristic utopia by 2018 now that Britain is leaving the EU.
THE UK has announced that its immediate plan for cushioning the economic and social shockwaves of Brexit involves gin, wine and lager.
AN OVERJOYED Leave voter is celebrating the win and can catch up on all that financial stuff later, he has confirmed.
EVERY country in the former British Empire has demanded Britain resume full political control now it has proven it is great again.
SCOTLAND has thanked the rest of the UK for the good times on its way out.