Glastonbury to be held in large gymnasium from now on

MUD-COVERED Glastonbury wretches have agreed it is best if the festival is held in a big sports hall from now on.

Sharp drop in number of old ladies being helped across the road

THE number of old ladies being helped to cross British streets has plummeted since Friday.

Someone talks about something else

SOMEONE has briefly changed the subject, it has been confirmed.

Sunderland to become futuristic metropolis by 2018

SUNDERLAND will become a gleaming, futuristic utopia by 2018 now that Britain is leaving the EU.

Britain’s short-term transition plan involves alcohol

THE UK has announced that its immediate plan for cushioning the economic and social shockwaves of Brexit involves gin, wine and lager. 

Jubilant Leave voter 'will catch up with the financial news later'

AN OVERJOYED Leave voter is celebrating the win and can catch up on all that financial stuff later, he has confirmed.

Entire British Empire restored

EVERY country in the former British Empire has demanded Britain resume full political control now it has proven it is great again.

It’s been real, says Scotland

SCOTLAND has thanked the rest of the UK for the good times on its way out.