News

High-earning bastard sick of everyone presuming he has good side

A SUCCESSFUL City banker has asked everyone to stop suggesting he secretly has a heart of gold.

Parents delighted as son’s creative dreams die

THE parents of 25-year-old Nathan Muir are celebrating their son’s decision to abandon his band for a job in a bank.

Met Office computer predicts weather and builds robot soldiers

THE Met Office has built a new supercomputer that can detect bad weather and send robots back in time to stop it.

Single man’s housework routine is applying to Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners

43-YEAR-OLD Tom Booker’s cleaning regime is repeatedly applying to a TV series where strangers come and sort it out.

McDonald’s unveils ‘at least it’s not a f**king gourmet burger’ slogan

BURGER chain McDonald’s has a new slogan emphasising that at least its product is unpretentious.

Next person who says they are ‘loving’ something to get punched in the face

THE next individual to describe themselves as ‘loving’ this or that can be punched squarely in the face, the government has confirmed.

Villages’ quirky Halloween celebrations also involve human sacrifice

RURAL villages that mark Halloween with funny old-fashioned ceremonies always kill someone at the end, it has emerged.

Immigration poll reveals Daily Mail working like a charm

THE Daily Mail has welcomed a poll which shows just how incredibly wrong British people are about levels of immigration.