News

The Daily Mash guide to satire for jihadists

ARE you locked in a holy war against the West because you never get any of the jokes on Mock the Week? End that misery with our handy guide to understanding satire.

Viewers gripped by rolling news coverage that’s mostly bollocks

TV news viewers are once again glued to screens filled with endless speculation and wild inaccuracy.

Human suffering not profitable enough

THE operator of Britain’s only privately-run NHS hospital has admitted that it is struggling to make enough money out of human misery.

Cats’ New Year resolutions already broken

CATS have once again utterly failed to keep their resolutions to change their ways in the new year.

Tesco to close 43 of its 400 million stores

RETAILER Tesco has confirmed that it is shutting more than one in every 10 million of its UK stores.

Binge-watchers limited to 21 units of US drama a week

DOCTORS advising against binge-watching high-quality US dramas have introduced a limit of 21 units a week, or 18 for women.

New planet keen to deter humans

A NEWLY-DISCOVERED Earth-like planet has said it is probably not the kind of place humans would be into living on.

Apricots vow never to ripen

A GROUP of apricots has pledged to remain hard and sour for all eternity.