News

Everyone urged to wait before expressing opinion about horrible event

EVERYONE has been urged to just stop and think about what they are going to say.

Chutney went straight in bin, Queen confirms

A CHRISTMAS gift of homemade chutney from the Duchess of Cambridge was treated with the contempt it deserved, says the Queen.

Holly and Phillip tired because they necked a load of gurners last night

THE hosts of This Morning have explained that they feel tired today because they stayed up all night taking pills.

Family with no telly just knows nothing about telly

A FAMILY that ‘banned’ television now just knows f**k all about popular culture, it has emerged.

Woman sacked for not liking lattes

A WOMAN has been sacked for failing to embrace coffee culture.

Last man to say ‘Northern powerhouse’ unironically dies

THE only man who still believed that government initiatives would turn Barnsley into Europe’s answer to Palo Alto has died.

Apple launches smaller, more energy-efficient factory worker

TECHNOLOGY giant Apple has unveiled a new kind of production line worker that only needs feeding every other day.

Everyone on bus writing status updates about each other

EVERYONE on the bus into work today was writing a status update or tweet about another passenger, it has emerged.