News

Greedy, aspirational parents make token noises to child about sharing

A PAIR of corporate lawyers are secretly delighted that their son has ignored everything they tell him about sharing his toys.

Kind, concerned woman constantly telling friends they look hellish

A KIND, concerned woman spends most of her time telling her friends how tired and shit they look.

Londoners reassured that air pollution is trendy

TOXIC air is trendy and soon everyone in the provinces will want it, Londoners have been reassured.

Rudd can’t understand why internet won’t do as it’s told

THE home secretary has admitted she cannot see why the man who runs the internet will not just delete all the bits she finds offensive.

Big horny spiders are having sex all over your house

SPIDERS are shagging in your house right now and there is nothing you can do about it.

Woman baffled by latest relationship with weirdo going tits-up

A WOMAN cannot understand why her relationships with socially dysfunctional men keep ending in disaster, she has revealed.

Rees-Mogg mistakes Mark E Smith for Manchester street urchin

JACOB Rees-Mogg is to adopt Fall frontman Mark E Smith after mistaking him for a Manchester street urchin, it has emerged.

David Davis to retire just before Brexit so he can move to the Algarve

BREXIT minister David Davis will retire before 2019 because he fancies buying himself a nice place in the sun.