MASSAGES are the opposite of soothing, it has emerged.
14-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan is struggling to articulate his penis-based feelings in a Valentine's card.
BRITAIN'S chaos crisis is no longer paralleled.
WALES is not there anymore.
THE Duchess of Cambridge has borrowed a diamond necklace from the Queen to have it priced up at the pawnbrokers.
BRITONS are rushing to take part in a new craze that involves consuming alcohol and becoming drunk.
BRITAIN'S millions of gifted children are inexplicably growing up to become unremarkable adults.
DAVID Cameron will today visit one of the big, grey clouds over Britain in a bid to ‘get a handle’ on rain.