Forth Bridge pissed

THE Forth Road Bridge has been closed after engineers discovered it was well over the safe alcohol limit, it has emerged.

Friday afternoon work to be replaced with art classes and PE

ALL work done on Friday afternoon is to be replaced by an art class or physical exercise.

Workers 'must take Secret Santa identity to the grave'

WORKERS have been told not to disclose their Secret Santa identity on pain of death.

House prices to rise further, except in shitholes

HOUSE prices are rising so fast that home ownership is only possible in shitholes, say experts.

Cameron to tackle obesity with wartime rationing

DAVID Cameron has insisted Britain’s latest war can be used to tackle the country’s weight problem.

Mein Kampf given politically correct makeover

A NEW edition of Mein Kampf is being updated for a modern, multicultural audience.

DiCaprio bear sex scene 'tender and loving'

LEONARDO DiCaprio’s new film features a sensual scene of loving, playful intercourse with a brown bear.

Man realises he is gentrification

A PECKHAM-BASED man has realised that the social transformation of the area is exemplified by him.