Doctors 'not secretly planning to murder patients'

DOCTORS will not use voluntary euthanasia laws to do lots of murders, they have confirmed.

Passport backlog blamed on everyone having different names

THE UK Passport Office has insisted there would be no backlog in applications if everyone could just have the same name.

Female scientists quit

ALL women working in science have jacked it in to become bishops.

Cameron to fund British superhero

THE prime minister has announced that £1.1 billion is to be spent creating a major British superhero.

Cole marriage ‘perfect’ because they can’t understand each other

CHERYL Cole has described her marriage to a Frenchman as ‘perfect’, because they have no idea what they are saying to each other.

99 per cent of Ramones t-shirt owners not upset

THE death of Tommy Ramone has left most people who wear Ramones t-shirts emotionally unaffected.

Ireland offered Garth Crooks instead

IRISH fans of country star Garth Brooks have been offered a stout BBC pundit as a replacement.

Careless USB removal causes multiple deaths

EIGHTEEN workers have died after a USB stick was removed from a computer without adequate precautions.