Massage is the most stressful experience

MASSAGES are the opposite of soothing, it has emerged.

Teenage love poet wondering what rhymes with 'boner'

14-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan is struggling to articulate his penis-based feelings in a Valentine's card.

Unparalleled Britain battles havoc crisis

BRITAIN'S chaos crisis is no longer paralleled.

Wales gone

WALES is not there anymore.

Kate borrows Queen's necklace to get it valued

THE Duchess of Cambridge has borrowed a diamond necklace from the Queen to have it priced up at the pawnbrokers.

‘Getting pissed’ craze sweeps UK

BRITONS are rushing to take part in a new craze that involves consuming alcohol and becoming drunk.

Genius children somehow becoming average adults

BRITAIN'S millions of gifted children are inexplicably growing up to become unremarkable adults.

Cameron to visit big, grey cloud

DAVID Cameron will today visit one of the big, grey clouds over Britain in a bid to ‘get a handle’ on rain.