News

Parents 'must have tattoos of children's names'

NEW guidelines will give social workers the power to take children into care if their parents do not have tattoos of their names.

Weathermen encouraged to lie

BRITONS would prefer it if television weather presenters gave them false hope.

Theme parks contain no actual dinosaurs or pirates

BRITAIN'S theme parks do not have a single real dinosaur or pirate, it has emerged.

Mail demands foreign aid to be spent on replacing British carpets

THE Daily Mail has called on the government to stop sending money to poor foreigners when it could be used to replace carpets right here in Britain.

The King's Speech to be remade with Lego

FOLLOWING the success of The Lego Movie, acclaimed films are to be remade with Lego men instead of actors.

Nymphomaniac released with boring bits fast-forwarded

LAR Von Trier's new film will be released in a version that fast-forwards to the nudity.

Flappy Bird 'a metaphor for the pointlessness of existence'

THE creator of Flappy Bird has pulled the game after players failed to recognise it as a nihilistic art piece.

You can have the f*cking place, Britain tells Romania

BRITAIN has offered to swap countries with Romania.