Man who washes car deeply suspicious of man who doesn’t

A MAN who hand-washes his car every weekend believes there is something fundamentally wrong with his next-door neighbour, who does not.

This weird shit is called 'contouring', say women

THE thing women do to their faces which looks like a paint-by-numbers chessboard is called 'contouring', it has been confirmed.

London property prices fall amid shortage of twats

LONDON property prices will plummet because all the rich twats are already there, experts have warned.

Trump’s running mate to be Wesley Snipes in 'Demolition Man'

DONALD Trump has chosen a character from the 1993 film Demolition Man to be his vice presidential running mate.

Ben Nevis will wake up if Irn Bru is taxed

BEN Nevis will awake and wreak terrible vengeance on England if Irn Bru is taxed, geologists have confirmed.

Extra lessons are Osbornes revenge against kids who called him peckerhead

PLANS to extend the school day are George Osborne's revenge against some kids who called him 'peckerhead', it has emerged.

Snakes celebrate being driven out of Ireland

SNAKES across the world are celebrating the day St Patrick drove them out of Ireland to live in lovely hot countries.

We want their parking spaces too, say middle classes

BRITAIN’S middle classes have said that getting disabled people’s money is nice but they would also like their parking spaces if possible.