News

Cocktails 'a load of stupid bullshit', confirm cocktail bar staff

COCKTAILS are nothing more than overpriced bullshit for idiots, cocktail bar staff have confirmed.

Dacre admits he once took delight in something that wasn’t horrible

DAILY MAIL editor Paul Dacre has revealed he was once delighted by something that was not utterly vile.

Ascot declares war on Glastonbury

ROYAL Ascot has decided to finally settle its long-running rivalry with Glastonbury by marching to war.

Wealthy foreigner offer £500,000 to be insulted by Prince Philip

OVERSEAS tycoons are prepared to pay up to half a million pounds to be racially mocked by the Duke of Edinburgh, it has emerged.

Survive five years in this twat factory and you're in for life, EU citizens told

EU CITIZENS have been told if they can manage five consecutive years in the twat factory that is Britain, they can stay for life.

Britain in record breaking four-day summer

AS SUMMER in Britain comes to an end, experts confirmed the four days of consecutive sunshine was a new record.

Glastonbury coverage welcomed by Britain's top letches

OLD men who dislike pop music but enjoy lusting after young women have welcomed blanket coverage of Glastonbury.

Parenting 'a doddle', confirms aunt who has been babysitting for half an hour

CHILDREN are a lot easier to look after than everyone makes out, according to an aunt who has completed a trouble-free 30 minutes.