Mum reckons she’ll have done a good job as long as kids don’t grow up to be twats

A WOMAN does not think her children are destined for greatness and will just be glad if they are not twats.

Man just goes to cinema to be outraged by price of everything

A MAN has admitted he only goes to the cinema to indulge in righteous fury at the prices.

Man still knows where all the rooms are in Jet Set Willy

A 47-YEAR-OLD man can still tell you exactly how the whole of Jet Set Willy’s mansion was laid out, including short-cuts.

No need to wash your hands if it's only a piss, agrees Britain

BRITAIN has agreed that if it is just a piss then washing your hands is not a big deal.

Woman hopes to be remembered for perfect middle-class lifestyle

A WOMAN who has an enviable figure, an Audi Q5 and a walk-in wardrobe is hoping her legacy will live on.

Diets put on hold until this World War 3 thing is figured out

THE looming threat of World War III has led to millions of diets being put on hold.

Student to do three years of work in next ten weeks

A STUDENT has announced that she will be spending the next two-and-a-half months completing three full years of work, as planned.

Couple experience MDMA-type high after friends cancel at last minute

A COUPLE whose dinner guests cancelled at the last minute experienced the kind of euphoria normally only achieved with recreational drugs.