Most crime entirely accidental, explain police

POLICE have explained that most so-called crimes are really just a series on unfortunate coincidences.

Britain begins four month period of feeling a bit ill

EVERYONE in Britain will be fighting something off until further notice.

Schwarzenegger charging £800,000 to kill you then deliver a one-liner

ARNOLD Schwarzenegger fans are paying almost a million pounds to have him kill them then make a wry comment.

‘Pick up artist’ seducing stupid men

A MAN selling bullshit ‘pick-up’ lessons has worked his magic on hundreds of gullible men.

Roles assigned for office Christmas party

THE official list of who will be the Drunken Bore, the Perv and Crying in the Toilets at the Christmas party has been put on the office noticeboard.

Rescue cat back at cat home under new name

A RESCUE cat has been returned to the animal shelter for his own good, according to the couple who adopted him.

Putin giggles coquettishly at Hitler comparison

VLADIMIR Putin giggled flirtatiously and batted his eyelashes when compared to Hitler, according to onlookers.

Gambler has sick, empty feeling about next horse

A COMPULSIVE gambler has placed his next bet according to the churning sense of impending doom in his stomach.