Computers confirmed as a lot of bollocks

COMPUTERS are a pointless load of bollocks, it has been confirmed.

Londoner convincing himself phone-stealing moped gangs are cool

A LONDONER is desperately attempting to believe that thieves on mopeds stealing your phone were what he moved to the capital for.

In case you were wondering, I’m not a f**king pacifist either, May tells Britain

THERESA May has assured Britain that she is absolutely, definitely not a pacifist.

Eurovision Song Contest 'will justify hard Brexit'

BRITAIN’S performance in tomorrow’s Eurovision Song Contest will justify a hard Brexit, it has been claimed.

'Confident' people actually just a bit pissed

THE only way to be charming and self-assured is to be a little bit drunk the whole time, it has been confirmed.

Voter who liked Labour policy slapping himself around the face

A VOTER who thought a policy in Labour’s manifesto sounded ‘attractive’ is slapping his own face repeatedly and telling himself to ‘wake up’.

Food banks 'being abused by dole scroungers’, confirms man's fevered imagination

PEOPLE only use food banks so they can spend their benefits on fags and booze, according to a man who has imagined the problem thoroughly.

Unpopular pub thrilled to be changing hands again

AN unsuccessful pub is sure that its fourth landlord in eight years will finally make everyone like it again.