May announces tough sanctions on Jeremy Corbyn

THE prime minister has announced strict new sanctions against Jeremy Corbyn.

Man paying builder cash-in-hand feels like Mafia don

A MIDDLE-CLASS man paying cash for building work feels as if he has joined the Mafia, he has confessed.

Queen paid less than Prince Philip

THE Queen earns 40 per cent less than Prince Philip despite being the British monarchy’s major draw, it has emerged. 

Cats confirm all fights to take place between 2am and 5am 

CATS have confirmed all their loud annoying fights will take place in the early hours of the morning.

Universe actually pretty interesting

STEPHEN Hawking’s life has reminded everyone that the universe is actually pretty interesting.

Dad turns on mobile for second time this year

A FATHER has switched on his mobile phone and then immediately switched it off again ‘to save the battery’, it has emerged.

Everyone stuck in meeting because some twat asked a question

A MAN who asked a f**king question at the end of a five o’clock meeting is now the most hated person in the room.  

All squirrels on coke

SQUIRRELS are all on cocaine, it has emerged.