News

McCartney irritating whole new generation

PAUL McCartney has become the first artist to irritate three generations of music fans after appearing on Rihanna's new single.

London sponsored by cocaine

LONDON is now officially sponsored by its cocaine dealers.

Greeks vote to stop having shit kicked out of them

GREEK voters have defied expectation by choosing not to be beaten like cringing dogs for the next five years.

Funky CV makes applicant stand out as tiresome little shit

HAVING an innovative multimedia CV makes you stand out from the pack as a particularly tedious person, according to employers.

Adrian Chiles becoming a badger

ADRIAN Chiles has been dropped from ITV's football coverage after admitting he is undergoing a series of operations to become a badger.

Life not worth looking up from your phone for

THE people, places, objects and locations that make up the physical world are not as fulfilling as smartphones, it has emerged.

Picky bastards making vague claims to have OCD

FUSSY, demanding people are hinting that they have mild OCD as a means of justifying their behaviour.

World hits snooze on Doomsday Clock again

THE world has greeted news that the Doomsday Clock stands at three minutes to midnight by reaching sleepily out and pressing the button that shuts it up.