News

DUP gets £1bn for murals of fat Protestant men in bowler hats

THE DUP is to get £1bn of taxpayers money to spend on very large paintings of fat men in bowler hats and orange sashes.

Houseguest paralysed by indecision over flushing toilet in middle of night

A MAN who is staying with friends has found himself paralysed by indecision after using the lavatory in the middle of the night.

Researchers discover only British actor who hasn't been in Doctor Who

RESEARCHERS have confirmed the discovery of the only British actor who has never been in Doctor Who.

Corbyn to perform Labour manifesto on 50-date stadium tour

JEREMY Corbyn is to play to packed stadiums across the world, reading out bits of economic policy from the Labour manifesto.

Davis negotiating with Belgian car salesman he mistook for Michel Barnier

ALL of David Davis’ Brexit talks have been with a random Belgian man he mistook for EU negotiator Michel Barnier, it has emerged.

Glitter from Glastonbury getting absolutely f**king everywhere

EVERYTHING in the UK now has some glitter on it because of Glastonbury, it has been confirmed.

Former raver deeply disappointed by 'exercise high'

A MAN who spent his youth taking ecstasy is finding it impossible to reach the same levels of bliss by going to the gym, he has confirmed.

Third bottle of wine 'always a bad idea for wide variety of reasons', say experts

THE opening of a third bottle of wine is always the point at which everything goes horribly wrong, research has found.