News

Keytars to be allowed in prisons

THE ban on musical instruments in prison does not include cool synths, it has been confirmed.

Kittens reaching peak cuteness

KITTENS are at a point of maximum cuteness beyond which they will no longer be a mental balm, experts have warned.

£50 notes no longer illegal tender

DRUG importers, kidnappers and public officials bribed with suitcases of cash have been warned to bank their £50 notes.

Tube drivers demand better daytime TV

UNDERGROUND train drivers have complained about the repetitive nature of daytime television programming.

Dogs evolving into mogwai

DOGS will soon be indistinguishable from Gizmo in Gremlins, it has emerged.

World's best restaurants full of world's worst people

THE world's most esteemed eating places are almost entirely populated by dicks.

Small vegetables must be exterminated, says giant vegetable grower

AN elderly grower of prize-winning giant vegetables has admitted wanting to see smaller vegetables destroyed.

Good Morning Britain strongly pro-Russian

ITV'S NEW breakfast show has been criticised for its uninspiring set, lacklustre interviews and pro-Russian bias.