News

It all comes down to having a weird-looking penis, says Clarkson

JEREMY Clarkson has explained that his persona comes from being teased at school about his grapefruit-shaped penis.

I only want Scotland to be independent so I can destroy it, admits Salmond

ALEX Salmond has finally admitted he hates Scotland and wants the country to be independent so he can abolish it.

Queen to live as a horse

THE Queen has formally announced that she will spend her retirement living in stables as a horse.

Everything you buy to come with zero-hours contract

ALL consumer goods are to come with a contract for a shitty 'flexible hours' job

Comment recommender honoured for services to the internet

A MAN who indiscriminately clicks the ‘recommend’ button on internet comments has been honoured for helping to keep the internet going.

Harry and Cressida split after she stumbles across ‘The Room’

PRINCE Harry has split from girlfriend Cressida Bonas after she accidentally entered the special room at Kensington Palace.

Keytars to be allowed in prisons

THE ban on musical instruments in prison does not include cool synths, it has been confirmed.

Kittens reaching peak cuteness

KITTENS are at a point of maximum cuteness beyond which they will no longer be a mental balm, experts have warned.