THE ban on musical instruments in prison does not include cool synths, it has been confirmed.
KITTENS are at a point of maximum cuteness beyond which they will no longer be a mental balm, experts have warned.
DRUG importers, kidnappers and public officials bribed with suitcases of cash have been warned to bank their £50 notes.
UNDERGROUND train drivers have complained about the repetitive nature of daytime television programming.
DOGS will soon be indistinguishable from Gizmo in Gremlins, it has emerged.
THE world's most esteemed eating places are almost entirely populated by dicks.
AN elderly grower of prize-winning giant vegetables has admitted wanting to see smaller vegetables destroyed.
ITV'S NEW breakfast show has been criticised for its uninspiring set, lacklustre interviews and pro-Russian bias.