News

Studio regretfully announces Ninja Turtles sequel

THE producers of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles remake have wearily confirmed that they are doing a follow-up.

Nation grinds to a halt to read Will Self essay

EVERYTHING stopped this weekend while the nation read the latest thoughts to come out of Will Self's massive brain.

Nothing you can say or do will stop us drinking, government told

BRITONS have confirmed that the state can never come between them and drink.

Builders disappointingly competent

COMPETENT builders have left their middle-class employers unable to complain extensively to friends.

Non-parents best at child rearing

PEOPLE who don’t have children know more about raising them than those who do, it has been confirmed.

Rabid free-marketeer subsidised by mum

AN internet user who spends most of his time praising free-market capitalism is entirely dependent on his mum.

Cocaine users don't actually like it

OVER 700,000 people in the UK take cocaine regularly, despite none of them liking it.

Scots welcome smug English twat letter

SCOTLAND has welcomed a letter urging the country to reject independence, signed by a collection of fancy English celebrities.