Man who claims to give 110 per cent actually giving about 40 per cent

A MAN who claims to give more than his actual capacity is actually only giving about a third of it.

Worker unwittingly uses ‘Jenny’s special mug’

AN OFFICER worker who unwittingly used a forbidden ‘special mug’ is now doomed.

Britons learn everything is a massive con and then go back to work

EVERYONE has returned to work after learning that the system is a giant conspiracy designed to ruin their lives.

Neighbours at war because they are idiots who need to grow the f**k up

SOME neighbours have fallen out because they are petty, hostile morons who are just as bad as each other.

Archers writers encouraged to kill them all

THE writers of Radio 4 drama The Archers have been urged to kill off the entire village in an orgy of random violence.

Internet hard man imagining unlikely scenarios to be hard in

A MAN spends a lot of time on the internet describing improbable situations he could resolve aggressively, it has emerged.

Homeopath and man who buys premium petrol in committed relationship

A COUPLE who disagree on most things have been united by their love of bullshit products.

Bristol declares crackdown on cannabis non-users

PEOPLE in Bristol who do not smoke cannabis face fines and possible imprisonment, it has emerged.