We will raise interest rates, says Bank of England’s chief necromancer

THE black coven of warlocks at the heart of the Bank of England will raise interest rates by the new year, they have sworn.

Septum rings ‘have the same timeless appeal as eyebrow piercings’

THE fashionable septum piercing will look cool forever much as eyebrow rings do, it has been claimed.

Kids looking forward to carefree summer being a massive burden

CHILDREN across the country are excited for a long, magical summer of being cared for by whoever is available.

NASA probe submits $11bn claim for ‘travel to work’ expenses

THE New Horizons probe paid for its own fuel to get to Pluto, it has emerged.

Trainspotting 2 to be junkie superhero film

THE sequel to Trainspotting will be a superhero film about a man who gets special powers from 'space heroin'.

Teenager gets summer job for rest of life

A TEENAGER has taken the summer job which he will retire from in 2063.

Working class area of London to be kept as a living museum

AN AUTHENTICALLY working class area of London will be allowed to continue existing as a tourist attraction.

Lads’ holiday ruined by refusal to be a twat

A LADS-ONLY holiday to Magaluf has been spoiled by one man’s stubborn refusal to behave like an utter twat.