News

I'm marrying into that reality TV family I told you about, Meghan Markle tells mother

MEGHAN Markle has told her mother that she is marrying into the reality TV family known as the ‘English Kardashians’. 

Royal wedding is fantastic news, says everyone in Cheltenham branch of Waitrose

THE royal wedding is incredibly exciting, according to all the wealthy white people in the Cheltenham branch of Waitrose.

Thank you for distracting everyone from my shit-show of a government, May tells Meghan

THERESA May has thanked Meghan Markle for creating a temporary distraction from the never-ending shit-show the Tories have created.

Wetherspoon drinkers demand earlier opening hours

WETHERSPOON customers are demanding that the pub chain opens its doors at five in the morning.

Harry asks Meghan if she'd like to be the subject of future documentaries about what really happened to her

PRINCE Harry has asked girlfriend Meghan Markle if she’d like to be the subject of future speculation about her mysterious disappearance.

Cyclist in favour of anything that makes people look at him

A CYCLIST is in favour of having to wear any ridiculous-looking equipment if it makes people look at him, he has confirmed.

Impudent rebel slug refusing to vacate kitchen

A REBELLIOUS slug has been found gliding confidently across a kitchen floor long after it should have gone back to wherever slugs live.

Man who will only drink 'craft' beer having cereal for tea again

A MAN who refuses to drink non-craft beer is having cereal for his tea again tonight, it has been revealed.