Fresher dabbling in patois

A MIDDLE-CLASS fresher has admitted experimenting with a version of West Indian patois in an attempt to look cool.

Everything now happening 'for a generation'

THE term 'for a generation' must be used for any vague but long-sounding period of time, experts have confirmed. 

All alcohol looks classy in a box

ANY bottle of alcohol will instantly look classy when placed in a box, experts have confirmed.

Ticket inspector going for some sort of gold medal in being a dickhead

A TICKET inspector has convinced passengers he is taking part in a dickhead contest.

New regulator leads to massive improvement in press behaviour

BRITAIN’S newspapers have undergone a moral transformation thanks to the introduction of a new regulator.

Weatherman admits he has absolutely no f**king idea anymore

A WEATHER forecaster has admitted he is just wasting his time right now.

Rejecting unsolicited compliments is how the Nazis started, warns Mail

REFUSING to accept unwanted compliments about your appearance is exactly how Hitler got started, the Daily Mail has warned.

Married friends sit back to see if singles will mate

A COUPLE who invited an unattached man and a recently divorced woman to a dinner party are hoping they will breed.