Southern Rail to replace timetable with avant garde poem

COMMUTERS using Southern Rail will need an advanced degree in modern poetry to know when their train is due.

35-year-old mocked for own-brand Hula Hoops

A 35-YEAR-OLD man is the laughing stock of his office after being seen eating supermarket own-brand Hula Hoops at his desk.

Last ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ poster ripped off wall

EVERY last poster, mug and T-shirt bearing the ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ slogan has been destroyed in frustrated rage, it has emerged.

Boris Johnson recalled to Beano

BORIS Johnson has left the Conservative leadership race to return to the pages of the Beano, he has confirmed.

Baffling decimal currency to be phased out

THE UK’s exit from the EU means the welcome return of the thru’penny bit and the half-crown, it has been confirmed.

Proper-shaped bananas arrive in UK

CRATELOADS of sensibly-shaped bananas that were banned under the EU have arrived on British shores.

Guardian reader secretly loving all this

A GUARDIAN reader is secretly enjoying being even more earnest than usual because of Brexit.

‘Alienated voter' actually just a twat

A MAN who claims he has been ignored by politicians is actually a lazy dipshit who just likes complaining, it has emerged.