Trump swept to victory by fans of poor quality 80s action films

MEN who love the films of Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal are responsible for Trump’s election victory, it has emerged.

America really, really, really not ready for woman president

THE USA was so unready to have a woman as president that it would vote for literally anyone else instead, it has been confirmed.

Trump smiles, waves and starts rounding up enemies

A SMILING president-elect Donald Trump has instructed aides to ‘get them’.

Being an utter cock no barrier to success

THERE is no ‘glass ceiling’ for utter cocks any more, it has been confirmed.

Thing that proves it’s all a horrible dream 'must surely happen soon'

PEOPLE are hoping for a clear sign that they are in a dream such as being able to fly or copping off with a celebrity, they have revealed.

Relieved Britain no longer biggest f**k-up of 2016

BRITAIN has woken up relieved to find its idiotic act of self-harm earlier this year is now a piffling historical footnote.

Of course Americans are stupid enough to do this, say experts

EXPERTS have stressed that of course America is genuinely stupid enough to elect a deranged murder clown as its president.

Can I have one girlfriend without you bastards f**king it up? asks Harry

PRINCE Harry has asked the world’s media if he could just have one relationship that is not immediately ruined by bastard journalists.