London, 1694: MR Samuel Pepys, the noted sage and diarist, has proclaimed the nation to be in peril after the rates of pecuniary interest reached the abominable level of two in every hundred.
CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has admitted the economic downturn was completely unnecessary as all this time he could just have printed more tenners.
BRITAIN'S piece of shit of west coast railway line has been designated as the country's latest national metaphor.
A SERVING head of MI5 has appeared before the press for the first time and he is incredibly bald.
ISRAEL has agreed to open a corridor into Gaza for essential humanitarian supplies and then fire hundreds of missiles at it.
BRITAIN'S estate agents are showing houses to each other in a bid to combat loneliness and prevent their traditional skills from dying out.
MARKS and Spencer is to use Irish actress Dervla Kirwan to sack more than 1200 workers.
ONE in 10 young unemployed British adults is so dissatisfied with life that they are just begging to be kicked in the teeth, new research suggests.