Bon Jovi Gigs To Trigger Fresh Wave Of Pathetic Pub Bands

HUNDREDS of desperate pub bands could be created in the wave of impending Bon Jovi gigs, experts have warned.

UK To Cut Immigrant Numbers By Teaching Them To Read The Daily Mail

THE government is to cut the number of immigrants applying for UK citizenship by teaching them how to read the Daily Mail, it has been confirmed.

Fat Boys To Be Sent On Outward Bound Porn Hunt

TEENAGE boys are increasingly overweight because they no longer need to go outside to find explicit pornography, according to new research.

Out Of Date iPhone Users Forced To Sit At Back Of Bus

PEOPLE who own the out of date iPhone will be forced to sit at the back of the bus, it emerged last night.

Bastards Thinking Of New Names For Your Fat Bits

THE bastard inventors of 'moobs' are working on names for your other fat bits, it has been confirmed.

Oil Well Capped Before Everyone Realises It's Their Fault

THE ruptured oil pipe in the Gulf of Mexico has been capped just minutes before everyone realised it had all been their fault.

NHS Hospitals 'Better Than Being Homeless', Claims Lunatic

SPENDING the night in an NHS hospital is better than living on the street, according to Britain's most demented vagrant.

Office Workers Finally Switch To Crack

AN IMMUNITY to caffeine has led to a growing number of office workers switching to crack, according to new research.