Government still thinks you drink like a bastard because it's cheap

A NEW crackdown on alcohol pricing suggests ministers still think you get shitfaced because of money.

iPhone v Android debate 'not important'

THE debate over which is the better of two popular types of telephone has ended after participants realised it simply did not matter.

Hollywood stars raise awareness for their stupid, childish jobs

HOLLYWOOD shone like a dazzling beacon of breathtaking glamour last night as a series of pathological narcissists made speeches about how important their pathetic jobs are.

Modern couples having less sex, says person who makes these things up

THE man whose job it is to make up sex statistics has decided that modern couples are having less sex.

Brit Awards 'clinically unwatchable', say experts

NEXT month's Brit awards will be 'clinically unwatchable', according to the Royal College of Physicians.

Oldham buys miracle health tonic

PURVEYORS of miracle health tonics and herbal hair loss remedies have compared Oldham to a 21st Century gold rush.

Credit card debtors sleeping like babies

MOST people are managing a sumptuous eight hours sleep a night despite crippling credit card debt, it has emerged.

Britain to celebrate Royal wedding with massive fight

THE ban on street brawling will be lifted temporarily for the royal wedding to allow celebratory fighting, it has been confirmed.