Bumping off elderly relatives easier than ever

MURDERING an ageing relative has never been simpler, it was confirmed last night.

People not at Glastonbury begin enjoying plight of those who are

MILLIONS of people not at the Glastonbury Festival have started relishing the abject suffering of those who are.

Britain urges RBS to take huge, potentially lucrative risks

THE Royal Bank of Scotland has been urged to make a series of massive, insanely risky investments in a bid to boost its share price.

Heartwarming animal friendship turns physical

THE unlikely bond between an injured chick and an orang-utan has evolved into a sexual relationship, it emerged last night.

Ulster riots still far too enjoyable

SECTARIAN rioting in Northern Ireland is still far too much fun for all concerned, it was claimed last night.

Weddings in stupid places to bankrupt Britain

MILLIONS of Britons are facing financial ruin because their friends keep getting married in distant, expensive places they have only visited once.

Are you more German than Hitler?

PEOPLE across Britain are today asking themselves 'Am I more German than Hitler?'.

Fish defeated

FISH are on the brink of surrender, it was confirmed last night.