No work done since last Tuesday

BRITAIN'S workers have long since stopped doing anything remotely productive, it emerged last night.

Earthquake frightens Cumbrians into giving up incest

CUMBRIANS have imposed a moratorium on sex with close relatives amid fears they may have angered a supernatural being who lives deep in the ground.

Mother forced to choose favourite child to join her on Eurostar

BRUTAL Eurostar commandants last night forced a mother-of-two to make an agonising choice between her offspring.

Nintendo launches Wii Family Argument

CONSOLE giant Nintendo's new game will encourage families to interact in a massive Christmas fight.

British media urged to do the decent thing with a revolver

BRITAIN'S media has been urged to go into its study with an old service revolver after the Daily Telegraph had to trick Vince Cable into revealing Lib Dems and Tories don't get on very well.

People to be killed by tank commanders listening to Steps

THE lifting of the ban on openly gay US troops will mean people being killed by tank commanders who are listening to upbeat euro pop, experts have warned.

Foreigners to replace Queen's head with Jordan's fandango

THE iconic Machin Head portrait of the Queen could be replaced on stamps by Katie Price's steam-cleaned vagina if some foreigners buy the Post Office, it has been confirmed.

Are we supposed to be doing something about all this snow? asks government

MINISTERS are to launch a consultation on whether they are supposed to be clearing away all this snow that seems to be everywhere.