BRITAIN'S workers have long since stopped doing anything remotely productive, it emerged last night.
CUMBRIANS have imposed a moratorium on sex with close relatives amid fears they may have angered a supernatural being who lives deep in the ground.
BRUTAL Eurostar commandants last night forced a mother-of-two to make an agonising choice between her offspring.
CONSOLE giant Nintendo's new game will encourage families to interact in a massive Christmas fight.
THE lifting of the ban on openly gay US troops will mean people being killed by tank commanders who are listening to upbeat euro pop, experts have warned.
THE iconic Machin Head
portrait of the Queen could be replaced on stamps by Katie Price's
steam-cleaned vagina if some foreigners buy the Post Office, it has been