Britain Trapped Under Two Feet Of Global Warming Bullshit

BRITAIN ground to a standstill today after the heaviest November global warming bullshit in more than a decade.

Queen Celebrates Role As Defender Of The Meh

DEFENDING Britain's half-arsed interest in God and stuff is the sovereign's most important role, the Queen said yesterday.

We Actually Think Wagner Is Pretty Good, Say People Who Voted For Him

THE overwhelming popularity of Wagner may be due to millions of people thinking he is brilliant, it was confirmed last night.

Royal Wedding Gives Britain Four Day Break From Baying At Freaks

NEXT April's Royal Wedding will give Britain a four-day respite from its busy schedule of baying hysterically at television freak shows.

Can't You All Just Settle This Over A Nice Plate Of Dog? World Asks Korea

NORTH and South Korea have been urged to settle their differences over a big plate of dog chops.

Employers Braced For Tired, Angry Drunks

WORKPLACES across England are bracing themselves for the impact of thousands of red-eyed, half-pissed psychopaths, when the Ashes begins later this week.

Blumenthal Pudding Adds Tedious New Conversation Piece To Christmas

HESTON Blumenthal's Christmas pudding is set to be an achingly dull talking point at this season's least interesting dinner tables.

Council Estates Quarantined As Cheryl Link Confirmed

BRITAIN'S council estates have been cordoned-off after they were linked to the creation of Cheryl Cole.