CARBON dioxide has resigned from being a gas, it has been confirmed.
SHOWERS are taking twice as long as 20 years ago as people desperately try to scrub off the 21st century, say researchers.
THE notion of a so-called 'darknet' has confounded those who were sure the normal internet represented the very depths of human depravity.
HEALTH secretary Andrew Lansley is to sit next to hospital patients, looking at them while they sleep.
MORE people are visiting churches to steal metal than to worship, it has emerged.
HUGH Grant could be forgiven for his entire career if he carries on like this, experts have claimed.
A REPORT into executive pay has called for a radical reform of how wind is combined with piss.
THE government is to boost the housing market because there really isn't anything else to do, it has been confirmed.