Fifty Shades of Grey sparks trend for being blindfolded in the cinema

PEOPLE being dragged to see Fifty Shades of Grey are wearing blindfolds so that they can sleep.

Please stop f**king around with your eyebrows, women told

WOMEN have been asked to stop dicking about with their eyebrows because it looks ridiculous.

Non-smokers’ lungs look disgusting too

LUNGS look horrible regardless of whether their owner smokes, it has emerged.

People with more than two kids love squalor

PEOPLE who have three or more children do so because they enjoy living in squalid and disgusting conditions, it has emerged.

The Mash guide to the Eurozone crisis

IT IS the coming crisis that absolutely nobody, from the innumerate man in the street to the technocrats leading the EU, understands or has any idea how to stop.

Lovejoy to join Marvel universe

THE Walt Disney Company has acquired the rights to feature roguish antiques dealer Lovejoy in its Marvel Avengers franchise.

Deluded individual has sense of loyalty to employer

WAREHOUSE worker Tom Booker has expressed a puzzling degree of loyalty to his employer.

Kanye quits music to focus on being a twat

RAPPER Kayne West has quit the music industry to devote all his energy to twattish behaviour.