News

'Oh no! It's the Daily Telegraph!' says Scotland

SCOTLAND was last night fleeing in terror after a surprise attack from the first battalion of Her Majesty's Daily Telegraph.

Gove reminds everyone how pointless the Queen is

MICHAEL Gove today called for everyone to get annoyed about the Queen's unrelenting pointlessness.

The Artist named this year’s 'amaaayzing' film

A BLACK-and-white tribute to the golden age of silent cinema, has been named this year's most 'amaaayzing' film by people you will overhear in coffee shops.

Clegg wants unbearably middle class economy with shit adverts

NICK Clegg wants the British economy to be filled with middle class kitchen utensils and adverts made by bastards.

Councils granted right to remove vehicles if in a tow-y kind of mood

LOCAL authorities celebrated last night after a High Court ruling gave them the right to impound cars just totally on a whim.

Jay-Z buys extravagant garden shed

RAPPER Jay-Z has purchased a million-dollar garden shed following the birth of his daughter, it has emerged.

Brit Awards condemned by mental health charities

PEOPLE suffering from depression should avoid looking at the Brit Awards, according to mental health experts.

Mild winter brings no moral lesson for lazy grasshopper

BRITAIN'S relatively pleasant winter weather has taught absolutely nothing to an idle grasshopper that ignored the advice of an industrious ant.