BP Execs Look At Massive Oil Slick, Then At Each Other

BP executives are today standing on the Louisiana shoreline, looking at each other with furrowed brows and occasionally skimming a pebble across the oily water, it has been confirmed.

Tight Fit To Revive Lion Sleeps Tonight Concept Album

TIGHT Fit are to revive their 1982 concept  album The Lion Sleeps Tonight with a series of spectacular stage shows.

What About Handjobs? Women Ask Pope

DOZENS of women have written to Pope Benedict asking if Roman Catholic priests can be allowed the occasional hand job.

Workshy Must Stand Around Doing Nothing In A Uniform Or Lose Benefits

THE long-term jobless must stand about in big shops wearing polo shirts, the government has confirmed.

Men Getting Less Fussy

BIRTHS to women over 40 have trebled in the last 20 years as men continue to lower their standards, according to latest figures.

Victoria Beckham Unveils New Brain

VICTORIA Beckham has been fitted with the brain of an alcoholic physics genius, it has been confirmed.

We Don't Have Facebook Accounts, Say People Who Care About Privacy

PEOPLE who are even remotely interested in the concept of privacy could not possibly have a Facebook account, it emerged last night.

Britney To Be Frozen Until Pop Standards Collapse

BRITNEY Spears is to be frozen in a tube until pop standards decline sufficiently for her to relaunch her career, it was confirmed last night.