SOCIAL networks will be confined to discussions about decency, values and the glowing satisfaction of a hard day's work.
ULTRA-LOCAL television services will give you up-to-the-minute coverage on things like what's happening in next door's garden, it has emerged.
BRITAIN was last night urged to avoid the schoolboy error of thinking people like Melanie Phillips may have been right all along.
FEMALE hormone tests can now accurately predict the rate at which a man's life will fall to bits.
ESTATE agents are struggling to find buyers for Britain's increasing number of on-fire homes, it has emerged.
HAVING a gigantic number of policemen on the streets of London does seem to prevent riots, it emerged last night.
MEN are turning to a life of carefree homosexuality to avoid the expense of wives and children, it has emerged.
THE London riots are the inevitable consequence of a society that includes some arseholes who like to steal things instead of working, experts claimed last night.