News

Public Must Choose Between Cure For Cancer And Invisibility Cloak

SCIENCE cannot defeat cancer and produce a magical see-through space coat, experts have warned.

BBC Beats Strike With 'Richard Baker's Greatest Hits'

THE BBC has shrugged off strike action by its journalists by screening a selection of classic news stories from the last 40 years.

Bionic Eye Allows Blind To Double As Speed Cameras

A CUTTTING-edge bionic eye could turn the visually impaired into human speed cameras, scientists have claimed.

Band Aid Lyrics 'Were Used To Destroy The English Language'

THE lyrics to the Band Aid charity song Do They Know It's Christmas ultimately ended up in the hands of total arseholes, it has emerged.

ITV Agrees To Final Daybreak Viewer's Demand For Lizard Wrestling

CHRISTINE Bleakley is to wrestle a Komodo dragon on live television, at the specific request of the sole remaining viewer of  Daybreak.

America Exercises Right To Punch Itself In The Nuts

THE United States last night reasserted its hard won freedom to punch itself squarely in the balls.

Policeman Displays Human-Like Intelligence

A POLICEMAN has remembered the names of songs and been able to use them in a sentence, it emerged last night.

Police Issued Guidelines On How To Behave While Trapped In A Wicker Man

NEW police guidelines on religious tolerance will include how to behave sensitively when being sacrificed to a Pagan deity.