News

Social networks restricted to messages about decency

SOCIAL networks will be confined to discussions about decency, values and the glowing satisfaction of a hard day's work.

Local TV to be like looking out of window

ULTRA-LOCAL television services will give you up-to-the-minute coverage on things like what's happening in next door's garden, it has emerged.

Britain reminded that Melanie Phillips is not well

BRITAIN was last night urged to avoid the schoolboy error of thinking people like Melanie Phillips may have been right all along.

New hormone test offers married men timetable of misery

FEMALE hormone tests can now accurately predict the rate at which a man's life will fall to bits.

Housing market affected by houses being on fire

ESTATE agents are struggling to find buyers for Britain's increasing number of on-fire homes, it has emerged.

Policing seems to work

HAVING a gigantic number of policemen on the streets of London does seem to prevent riots, it emerged last night.

Cash-strapped men turn gay

MEN are turning to a life of carefree homosexuality to avoid the expense of wives and children, it has emerged.

Riots caused by society or lazy, thieving pricks, say experts

THE London riots are the inevitable consequence of a society that includes some arseholes who like to steal things instead of working, experts claimed last night.