THE long-term jobless must stand about in big shops wearing polo shirts, the government has confirmed.
BIRTHS to women over 40 have trebled in the last 20 years as men continue to lower their standards, according to latest figures.
VICTORIA Beckham has been fitted with the brain of an alcoholic physics genius, it has been confirmed.
BRITNEY Spears is to be frozen in a tube until pop standards decline sufficiently for her to relaunch her career, it was confirmed last night.
LONDON now offers a worse quality of life than some place in Australia for God's sake, it emerged last night.