SNAILS have asked gardeners to kindly not lob them over the fence.
BRITAIN is absolutely positive the weekend heatwave will be free of discomfort, arguments and the doing of too many things.
AN attractive young woman in a pretty summer dress is putting men and woman alike in a terrible mood.
INDEPENDENT schools are still better than state schools at cultivating high-quality bastards, it has emerged.
POWER giant E.On has been fined £12m for mis-selling energy as pet cats, dogs and fish.
BRITAIN has been invaded by millions of Bulgarians and Romanians, but no one can tell because they are all pretending to be Irish, Nigel Farage has claimed.
THE government has pledged to introduce free lunches for primary school children with traditional, right-wing values.
PFIZER has announced that if its takeover of AstraZeneca goes ahead it will let everyone try the special drugs it normally keeps for itself.