Disability benefits to be replaced by medals

THE disability benefits system will be replaced by medals for things like shutting up and getting on with it, it has emerged.

Maybe you just need to learn more, GCSE students told

PUPILS protesting GCSE results have been asked to consider whether they might get better exam results if they learn more things.

Greek warriors abduct Samantha Brick

ANCIENT Greek warriors have stormed the Big Brother house after mistaking Samantha Brick for Helen of Troy.

Russell Brand admits sex with Chris Evans

RUSSELL Brand realised he was addicted to celebrity sex after a passionate one-night stand with Chris Evans, it has emerged.

Cannabis smokers still cleverer than lager fans

POT smokers generally have more brain cells than people who like lager, it has been claimed.

Neil Armstrong's death 'faked'

CONSPIRACY theorists have poured scorn on the announcement of Neil Armstrong's death, citing a lack of hard evidence.

Lion Bar wrapper triggers panic

AN ESSEX man had admitted the 'lion' he saw near his home was actually a design on the wrapper of a chocolate bar.

John Motson's BBC contract extended by another 40 years

JOHN Motson has renewed his BBC contract until 2052, in line with the Corporation's policy to ensure everything remains exactly the same.