Workshy Must Stand Around Doing Nothing In A Uniform Or Lose Benefits

THE long-term jobless must stand about in big shops wearing polo shirts, the government has confirmed.

Men Getting Less Fussy

BIRTHS to women over 40 have trebled in the last 20 years as men continue to lower their standards, according to latest figures.

Victoria Beckham Unveils New Brain

VICTORIA Beckham has been fitted with the brain of an alcoholic physics genius, it has been confirmed.

We Don't Have Facebook Accounts, Say People Who Care About Privacy

PEOPLE who are even remotely interested in the concept of privacy could not possibly have a Facebook account, it emerged last night.

Britney To Be Frozen Until Pop Standards Collapse

BRITNEY Spears is to be frozen in a tube until pop standards decline sufficiently for her to relaunch her career, it was confirmed last night.

London Now Worse Than Some Place In Australia

LONDON now offers a worse quality of life than some place in Australia for God's sake, it emerged last night.

Glastonbury In Last Minute Search For Replacement Twat

BONO has cancelled his appearance at Glastonbury forcing organisers into a last minute hunt for some other twat.

Four Year-Old Dog Found Guilty Of Rape

A FAMILY dog is beginning a prison sentence today after being convicted of raping a hat, a seat cushion and a 32 year-old knee.