News

Echinacea proves 100% effective against ghosts

HERBAL remedy Echinacea is infallible when used against malevolent wraiths trapped between this world and the next, according to new research.

Pope to shoehorn Jesus into airport chaos story

POPE Benedict will somehow manage to crowbar Jesus into the airport chaos story when he delivers tomorrow's Thought for the Day on Radio Four.

No work done since last Tuesday

BRITAIN'S workers have long since stopped doing anything remotely productive, it emerged last night.

Earthquake frightens Cumbrians into giving up incest

CUMBRIANS have imposed a moratorium on sex with close relatives amid fears they may have angered a supernatural being who lives deep in the ground.

Mother forced to choose favourite child to join her on Eurostar

BRUTAL Eurostar commandants last night forced a mother-of-two to make an agonising choice between her offspring.

Nintendo launches Wii Family Argument

CONSOLE giant Nintendo's new game will encourage families to interact in a massive Christmas fight.

British media urged to do the decent thing with a revolver

BRITAIN'S media has been urged to go into its study with an old service revolver after the Daily Telegraph had to trick Vince Cable into revealing Lib Dems and Tories don't get on very well.

People to be killed by tank commanders listening to Steps

THE lifting of the ban on openly gay US troops will mean people being killed by tank commanders who are listening to upbeat euro pop, experts have warned.