Tardy Shoppers Slaughtered By Minotaur

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco claims to have solved the problem of late shoppers by letting Minotaurs loose at 9.50pm.

Concern Grows Over Ninja School Standards

MANY ninja school-leavers are unfit for even the least dangerous missions, according to leading UK warlords.

Novello Judges Sectioned

A GROUP of music 'experts' were last night being assessed by psychologists after Lily Allen won three awards for song writing.

I'd Play God, Says Everyone

AS scientists created artificial life for the first time, people across Britain said if it was them they would be playing God like it was going out of fashion.

Have You Seen My Tits Yet? Asks Kim Kardashian

KIM Kardashian would like to draw your attention to her breasts, it was confirmed last night.

Working In A Call Centre Is Just Awful, Say Experts

NO matter which way you try to finesse it, working in a call centre will crush you, according to a new study.

Stop Asking Us Things, Say Men

RESEARCH showing that men lie more than women is proof they should stop asking them awkward questions in the first place, say scientists.

Billy Joel To Write Song About Greedy Engaged Couples

JOHN Lewis has commissioned Billy Joel to write a beautiful, poignant song about engaged couples and their wedding lists.