News

Miliband orders calculator watch

ED Miliband has ordered a digital calculator watch in a bid to reassure Britain he can steer it through economic turmoil.

Gypsies 'love stupid, pointless shit just like rest of us'

A NEW television series has been hailed for portraying gypsies as being just as shallow, materialistic and celebrity-obsessed as mainstream society.

Morgan Freeman to become full-time Nelson Mandela

NELSON Mandela is to resign from being himself to make way for Morgan Freeman.

Genetically-modified mosquitoes released for no reason

SCIENTISTS in Malaysia have unleashed giant, DNA-altered mosquitoes into the environment for the hell of it.

Celebrities still think they deserve privacy

BRITAIN'S famous people are still insisting they are entitled to any kind of private life, it emerged last night.

Living standards plummet to early 21st Century levels

BRITAIN'S average standard of living will soon be no better than it was just over five years ago.

Fresh calls for you to be sacked

YOU are facing the sack today because you once said something about someone that some other people have decided to find offensive.

iPhone fired into space to see if it finally gets a signal

SCIENTISTS are to put an iPhone into orbit in an attempt to get a full set of bars for a change.