Pop 'lesbians' to face bull dyke challenge

FEMALE recording artists who claim to have raunchy lesbian tendencies must spend a night locked in with a minotaur-like 'diesel dyke', it has been announced.

Cash-strapped Area 51 tells captive aliens to get a job

EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS living at the American military's secret containment facility must go out and earn their keep, it was announced last night.

Anger as millions denied chance to look at Bin Laden's brain instead of working

MILLIONS of people across the world have been denied the chance to use up the best part of their morning staring at the gloopy contents of Osama Bin Laden's ruptured head.

It's not telly if you watch it on a computer, say middle class people

MIDDLE class people have asserted their right to feel smug about not having a television despite watching exactly the same shit on computers.

'Team 6' to become film, boy band and washing-up sponge

THE elite special forces team that killed Osama bin Laden is to inspire a big-budget film, an edgy boy band and a no-nonsense dish washing sponge.

'Good God! What the hell's that?' shouts Pakistan

PAKISTAN last night pointed at the sky and screamed in a pathetic attempt to distract the world from its nauseatingly transparent guilt.

Vatican accidentally beatifies Ringo

THE Catholic Church last night beatified Ringo Starr by mistake.

Britain overjoyed by union of buttocks

BRITAIN has been inspired and energised by the joining together of Pippa Middleton's left and right buttocks.