News

Parents to break Michael Gove

PARENTS across Britain are to capture Michael Gove in a big net and then beat him with a sock full of pennies.

Office bitch sweating like a navvy

BRITAIN was today enjoying the sight of the bitch in their office sweating like a filthy pig on heat.

Shop selling expensive, uncomfortable things to close

A SHOP which sells really uncomfortable sofas for £3000 is to close down.

Manchester begins to eat itself

MANCHESTER has become a self-sufficient vortex of annihilation, scientists have confirmed.

Clooney dumps model for distracting him from allotment

SCREEN icon George Clooney split from Elisabetta Canalis because she kept distracting from his vegetable patch, it has emerged.

Bumping off elderly relatives easier than ever

MURDERING an ageing relative has never been simpler, it was confirmed last night.

People not at Glastonbury begin enjoying plight of those who are

MILLIONS of people not at the Glastonbury Festival have started relishing the abject suffering of those who are.

Britain urges RBS to take huge, potentially lucrative risks

THE Royal Bank of Scotland has been urged to make a series of massive, insanely risky investments in a bid to boost its share price.