News

Please don’t throw us, beg snails

SNAILS have asked gardeners to kindly not lob them over the fence.

Weekend will not be sticky and bothersome, says Britain

BRITAIN is absolutely positive the weekend heatwave will be free of discomfort, arguments and the doing of too many things.

Pretty girl in summer dress is most depressing sight imaginable

AN attractive young woman in a pretty summer dress is putting men and woman alike in a terrible mood.

Public schools still top for producing bastards

INDEPENDENT schools are still better than state schools at cultivating high-quality bastards, it has emerged.

Electricity mis-sold as pets

POWER giant E.On has been fined £12m for mis-selling energy as pet cats, dogs and fish.

Bulgarians and Romanians are pretending to be Irish, claims Farage

BRITAIN has been invaded by millions of Bulgarians and Romanians, but no one can tell because they are all pretending to be Irish, Nigel Farage has claimed.

Tories pledge free school meals for right-wing children

THE government has pledged to introduce free lunches for primary school children with traditional, right-wing values.

Pfizer promises to share its personal stash

PFIZER has announced that if its takeover of AstraZeneca goes ahead it will let everyone try the special drugs it normally keeps for itself.