Relief as kebabs found to contain chimp meat

KEBAB lovers were last night relieved to discover their favourite food is nothing more than illegal chimpanzee meat.

Most would back far right if it was better at violence

A MAJORITY of Britons would back far right groups if they gave up street brawling and bulldozed a mosque.

Gaddafi welcomed by online forums

LIBYAN leader Colonel Gaddafi has been offered sanctuary by the internet's legion of keyboard warriors.

Train company unveils 34-syllable ticket

THE new Semi-Super Saver Single Return Railroader Autumn Summer Traveller Student Nurse District Pet Family Oxbow Lake Pass is actually straightforward, according to train bosses.

Middleton exorcised after speaking in tongues

FUTURE royal brood mare Kate Middleton was admitted to church last night after apparently being possessed by Satan.

Boardrooms should be 14% Brazilian tranny

ONE in every seven company directors in Britain should be a Brazilian transvestite with a pronounced facial tick, according to a new report.

iPhone barricades itself in motel with drugs and whores

THE increasingly unpopular iPhone last night barricaded itself in a motel room with a brace of whores and a side arm.

British Gas bullshit up 24%

THE nauseating bullshit British Gas uses to justify its vicious profiteering leapt 24% last year.