People to be killed by tank commanders listening to Steps

THE lifting of the ban on openly gay US troops will mean people being killed by tank commanders who are listening to upbeat euro pop, experts have warned.

Foreigners to replace Queen's head with Jordan's fandango

THE iconic Machin Head portrait of the Queen could be replaced on stamps by Katie Price's steam-cleaned vagina if some foreigners buy the Post Office, it has been confirmed.

Are we supposed to be doing something about all this snow? asks government

MINISTERS are to launch a consultation on whether they are supposed to be clearing away all this snow that seems to be everywhere.

Snow-bound Britain pretending presents don't matter

AS FREEZING weather and icy roads threatened to leave Britain without Christmas presents, people across the country insisted it didn't matter in a series of putrid, stinking lies.

Assange release causes sinister American to bang fist on table

THE release of Wikileaks founder Julian Assange yesterday caused a senior American to shout 'godammit' and bang his fist on a walnut conference table.

Ireland urged to join the 19th Century

A LANDMARK EU court ruling could propel Ireland headlong into the middle of the 19th century.

33 year-old man has genuinely high expectations of Tron: Legacy

SALES executive Tom Logan is genuinely looking forward to seeing Tron: Legacy, it emerged last night.

Trends more fashionable than ever

THE latest fashions are trendier than ever and look set to be the in-thing, experts have confirmed.