News

Of course it was beansprouts

AN inquiry was launched last night into why it has taken more than a week to trace the Ecoli outbreak to the foulest of all vegetables.

Lads' mags lack the integrity of 'Knave', says Cameron

MODERN magazines like Nuts lack the unpretentious honesty of Razzle and Knave, according to the prime minister.

New insect repellent causes mosquitoes to target Geordies

A NEW repellent designed to deter mosquitoes has given the insects an insatiable hunger for Geordies.

Website praised for Take That ticket fraud

THOUSANDS of relieved men have expressed their gratitude after buying fraudulent Take That tickets.

Bosses of cold calling companies still refusing to kill themselves

THE call centre bosses whose minions regularly upset your nan are still ignoring demands to destroy themselves, according to new research.

British adults reminded they should wash hands after defecating

THERE were fresh concerns about Britain last night after officials found it necessary to remind fully-grown humans to wash their hands after going to the lavatory.

Chinese to peek at your email before buying everything and making you their slave

CHINA'S plans for world domination now include the relentless purchase of all physical assets, your total, crushing enslavement and having a sneaky peek at your email account.

Books making children gay

READING is turning young people into homosexuals, it emerged last night.