News

Conga crash claims 37

POLICE are appealing for witnesses after a conga line collision resulted in the deaths of 37 people during a retirement party.

Most betting shop regulars now multi-millionaires

THE majority of people who frequent betting shops are worth in excess of seven figures, according to new data.

'Get out of my house, you monster' Britain tells mother

BRITAIN told its mother to get the hell out of its house today after 24 hours of Machiavellian psycho-terror.


Paul Dacre institutionalised, 600 of his journalists on medication...

In this comfortingly plausible account, THE DAILY MASH imagines the day the Mail invaded the Falklands.

Thief gets to open Abbey Clancy's ghastly Christmas presents

ABBEY Clancy and Peter Crouch were today devastated by the thought of a thief opening all their vulgar, over-priced Christmas gifts.

Journalists' Wives single remains unbought

A HEART-BREAKING song by the wives of Britain's journalists remains resolutely unbought, it has been confirmed.

Tube drivers in fresh bid to become more hated than footballers

UNDERGROUND train-monkeys are hoping their Boxing Day strike will make them more nauseatingly abhorrent than professional footballers.

Scientists find car made of dinosaur bones

ARCHAEOLOGISTS working in the Amazon basin have found the remains of a crude car made from dinosaur bones, with stone cylinders for wheels.