Thatcher Gaining Strength From Nation's Misery

BARONESS Thatcher was making a remarkable recovery from illness last night, as she gained sustenance from Britain's collective trauma.

Government Scraps Plan To Get Last 9m Cretins Online

EFFORTS to get Britain's stupidest people online by 2011 have been suspended after free modems were boiled or used as hats.

ITV To Apologise To Essex Using A Sad Face And Some Boobs

THE broadcaster of The Only Way Is Essex is to apologise to the county's residents using pictures of things they recognise.

Cowell To Last As Long As The Universe

SIMON Cowell will last as long as the universe contains beings with television sets and money, it was confirmed yesterday.

Wha Gwarn Mi Bredrin, Police Tell Black People

POLICE are stopping disproportionate numbers of ethnic minorities purely so that they can act 'street', it has emerged.

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Circle Of Life, Says Elton John

POP music all sounds the same these days, the singer of Goodbye Candle in the Road claimed last night.

Paid Sterilisation Extended To People Who Still Like Glee

A PROGRAMME of paid sterilisation is to be extended to people who are still watching Glee.

William Hints At A 2011 Royal Dumping

PRINCE William has fuelled speculation that an official Royal dumping could come as early as next February.