Vatican Banned Bruni To Avert Papal Erection

THE Vatican blocked a visit by French first lady Carla Bruni in order to prevent a full-scale Papal engorgement, it has been confirmed.

Manchester Police Struggle To Reach 140 Characters

THE Twitter experiment by Greater Manchester police failed last night after officers were unable to add a third word to their tweets.

BBC To Replace Moyles With Six Month-Old Baby

THE Radio One breakfast show is to be hosted by a six month old baby, the BBC has confirmed.

Teenage Girl Temperamental

BRITAIN faced a fresh pop crisis last night after it emerged that X Factor favourite Cher Lloyd has been behaving like a teenage girl.

Pope Congratulates Infected Porn Stars

POPE Benedict XVI has congratulated porn stars infected with HIV for their principled refusal to wear condoms.

We Did Actually Eat Four Guys, Admit Chilean Miners

THE first of the trapped Chilean miners brought to the surface have admitted that four of their colleagues were delicious.

Gap Abandons Plan To Use Swastika

CLOTHING giant Gap was last night forced to abandon its plan to replace its classic blue square logo with the swastika.

Students To Pay £36,000 For Magic Beans

UNIVERSITIES should be be able to charge up to £12,000 a year for magic beans, according to a major review of higher education funding.