Adults order children to be sad about Daleks

CHILDREN across Britain were today told to be all sad about the Daleks.

Television's secret agenda is to make you watch more television

THE people who make television programmes have admitted that they are subtly trying to make you continue watching it.

Made-up medicine works on made-up illnesses

ACUPUNCTURE has been shown to be extremely effective amongst people who have nothing wrong with them.

Harrison Ford forgets he was in fourth Indiana Jones movie

AGEING actor Harrison Ford has forgotten his starring role in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, it emerged last night.

Airlines crack down on fraudulent vegetarians

AIR passengers will have their in-flight meal choices stored on a database in a bid to catch fake vegetarians.

Lunatic pays £5.6m for picture of Manchester

MENTAL health charities have condemned Christie's for allowing someone to pay over £5m for a child's drawing of a slum.

UK's millionth stomach pumping marked with giant piss up

BRITAIN'S accident and emergency units were in party mode last night, celebrating a seven-figure landmark in the number of semi-comatose people having pipes stuck up their noses.

Daily Mail calls for increase in dead poor people

PRIDE of Britain the Daily Mail has today launched a new campaign for more people in the Third World to die in a ditch.