Dead Office Staff Costing Millions, Say Experts

THE soaring number of office workers who choose to die at their desks is costing the UK economy £2.6bn a year, according to a new report.

Britain Haunted By Thought Of Heston And Delia At It

BROADCASTERS have been flooded by complaints from viewers unable to stop imagining Delia Smith and Heston Blumenthal going at it.

Men Under Pressure To Look Vaguely Presentable

IMAGES of male beauty in the media are forcing men to make some sort of grudging effort to look half-decent, it was claimed last night.

Toddlers Banned From Eating Each Other

NURSERY school children will no longer be allowed to bite chunks out of each under new rules introduced today.

Animals Obstructing Progress

SUPERFLUOUS wildlife is still hampering vital progress in the logging and fast food industries, it was claimed last night.

Sales Of L115-A3 Sniper Rifles Soar

SALES of the British-built L115A3 long-range sniper rifle have risen by almost 250% in a single week, it emerged last night.

Lars Von Trier Revealed As 'Sex And The City' Mastermind

THE Sex And The City franchise was secretly conceived by Lars Von Trier as an exercise in existential horror, the Danish director has revealed.

First-Time Buyers Still Pathetic

YOUNG would-be homebuyers are still clinging to their nauseatingly rose-tinted hopes and dreams, it was claimed last night.