SIR Ian Blair last night admitted he should have shot London mayor Boris Johnson in the face when he had the chance.
ARTIST Marc Quinn last night unveiled his latest work – a life-size Kate Moss candle holder made of solid gold.
CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling last night warned UK banks could collapse after a series of daring raids by hordes of 'little people'.
THE Church of England is to offer couples greater choice on where they can lie about believing in God.
MILLIONAIRE TV presenter Natasha Kaplinsky last night released photos of the perfect baby boy she has had with her millionaire husband.
ITV has defended screening violent Scottish police drama Taggart during the afternoon insisting the gruesome scenes probably involved acting.
ALL your hopes and dreams were shattered by bastard Americans last night, just as you suspected they always would be.
SMOKERS are to be forced to walk around wearing their lungs on their head, under tough new government rules.