News

Council offices to grind to whatever is slower than a halt

STRIKE action by council workers could lead to a redefinition of the concept of movement, it emerged last night.

Shark attacked by British holidaymakers

A GREAT WHITE shark escaped with cuts and bruises after straying into coastal waters full of British drunks.

Reading Discworld backwards 'makes you want to kill yourself'

READING Sir Terry Pratchett's Discworld saga back to front makes you want to commit suicide, supporters of unbearable pain said last night.

Sex addiction linked to being a wealthy middle-aged man

SCIENTISTS believe they are closer to curing sex addiction after identifying an unusually high incidence among rich, ageing men.

Schools to teach celebrity romance instead of climate change

SCHOOLS in England and Wales will ditch climate change lessons for a greater focus on the two week romances between D-List celebrities.

Ofcom to clamp down on cowboy graffiti artists

INDEPENDENT regulator Ofcom has outlined plans to protect the public from the work of cowboy graffiti artists after record complaints about the standard of British vandalism.

Councils organising interpretive dance workshops for rats

LOCAL councils are hoping to tackle rat problems with a series of workshops inviting them to explore their ratness through physical movement.

Closing bad universities could exclude people who did nothing at school

PATHETIC universities may be allowed to close, threatening the academic careers of people who should never have been there anyway.