Britain wakes up to find hospitals missing

BRITAIN'S hospitals have been replaced by massive holes in the ground, it has emerged.

Murdochs know far less about News International than you do

YOU know considerably more about News International than Rupert Murdoch and his son James, it has been confirmed.

Army to recruit people who are too mental to be in the army

PEOPLE like your crazy neighbour with all the replica weapons are to be allowed into the army as part of a cost-cutting initiative, it has emerged.

Daily Mail hacks into the voices in my head, says Dacre

THE Daily Mail has only ever hacked into the voices inside Paul Dacre's head, the paper's editor confirmed yesterday.

Are you scared yet?

BRITAIN spent last night staring at the ceiling with its duvet clutched tightly under its chin.

Wills dumps Kate for bum-shaped love nut

THE Duke of Cambridge has abandoned his wife after bonding with an erotically-shaped coconut, it has emerged.

Met chief 'had no idea Champneys was a luxury spa'

FORMER Metropoltan Police commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson 'had no idea' Champneys was a luxury health spa when he agreed to go there for a three week-long freebie.

Barbecues shit

PEOPLE who like barbecues are freaks, it has emerged.