National Trust Revamps Historic Dogging Site

THE UK's oldest dogging site has been re-opened by the National Trust, with interactive stranger sex displays and cakes.

80% Of Britons Name Television In Their Will

FOUR out of five people in Britain have named their hire-purchase widescreen television in their will, according to a new study.

Pretend Blackberry Obsession Rockets

MANY Blackberry owners are pretending to fixate on the gadget as an excuse for ignoring their tiresome, bleating partners, it was claimed last night.

Britain Passes Point Of No Return As Importance Attached To Cowell Opinion

BRITAIN finally hurtled beyond the point of no return last night as the political opinions of Simon Cowell were regarded as important.

US Discriminates Against Dirty Old Buggers, Says Polanski

THE UNITED States has an institutional prejudice against manky old sods, Roman Polanski claimed last night.

John Barrowman Easily Defeats The Power Of Prayer

TORCHWOOD actor John Barrowman's demonic homosexuality last night scored an effortless victory over the power of prayer.

Amanda Holden Reverting To Dung

THE sorcery holding Amanda Holden together is wearing off, it emerged yesterday.

Schools Deserted

BRITAIN'S schools stood empty today, apart from 440,000 joyful teachers swinging tube socks filled with two-pence pieces.