News

Housing crisis to be solved by starter forests

BRITAIN’S housing crisis will be solved by people living in forests like Ewoks, David Cameron has announced.

Crime and Punishment reclassified as non-Russian novel

DOSTOYEVSKY'S Crime and Punishment cannot be Russian as the country does not seem interested in either, scholars have agreed.

Adult believes her cat can see dead people

GROWN-UP woman Emma Bradford believes her cat can see the spirits of the dead.

Daniel Craig to be first white Shaft

BOOKIES have announced that Daniel Craig is odds on to become the first white actor to portray John Shaft.

Human penises all either massive or tiny, confirm scientists

MEN’S penises are either porn-style monstrosities or minuscule sources of amusement, it has emerged.

Paris mass grave contains tourists who were unable to get served

A MASS grave beneath Paris contains the bones of foreigners who starved while attempting to summon a waiter, it has emerged.

Hipsters breeding with cockneys

THE influx of hipsters to East London has resulted in a new hybrid species, scientists have announced.

Britain appoints new lowest common denominator

A 42-YEAR-OLD man has been named as the UK's new lowest common denominator.