A COMPLETE list of your future master's newly-appointed guardians.
THE heir to the throne thinks Christianity is a load of nonsense, it has emerged.
THE majority of people just repeat popular words and phrases without knowing what they mean.
THE winner of The Great British Bake Off has left humanity to work in Mr Kipling's underground cake catacombs.
FACEBOOK has cleared users to post videos of decapitations alongside witty or inspirational quotes.
WORKERS have been advised to squeeze in some fraudulent sick leave in before the end of October.
A NEW internet browser automatically prevents users doing stupid things due to alcohol.
BRITAIN'S middle-aged people simply cannot get enough of leather smartphone cases.