Lots of lazy bastards have jobs

THOUSANDS of bone idle people have full-time paid employment, it has emerged.

Clever people obsessively bored with royal baby

SELF-STYLED clever people cannot stop expressing their indifference to the royal offspring, it has emerged.

Masterchef 'an elaborate cannibal ploy to fatten up Greg Wallace'

THE cannibals behind TV's Masterchef planned to eat Greg Wallace when he reaches sufficient plumpness, it has emerged.

Happiness caused by things you're not actually involved in

HAPPINESS is the result of things that actually have nothing to do with you, it has emerged.

Royal foetus planning typical royal lifestyle

THE royal foetus plans to get a pair of mediocre A-levels, have a brief military career or set up an unsuccessful cake business, it has emerged.

Atheists still not that keen on Scouts

ATHEISTS are still not that keen on socialising with people who were in the Scouts, it has emerged.