Teachers not famous enough

MOST British teachers are not famous enough to be able to inspire their pupils, according to a new report.

UN backs Radio 1 regime change

THE United Nations security council has paved the way for air strikes against Chris Moyles.

Fingers crossed Libyan rebels aren't insane

THE United Nations last night had its fingers crossed that the Libyan rebels it has just backed are not stark, raving lunatics.

Hipsters denied right to verbal communication

TRENDY, irony-obsessed young people are to be rendered mute and may only express their facile opinions via sandwich boards, it has been confirmed.

Kate sets up secret wedding list

KATE Middleton has set up her own secret wedding list at John Lewis, it emerged last night.

Doctors turn down money

DOCTORS have rejected an opportunity to make more money, it has emerged.

Creeping sense of oblivion up 32%

BRITAIN'S general feeling that all is lost has jumped by almost a third in the last quarter.

BBC tells D:Ream keyboard player to shove it

PRODUCERS of Professor Brian Cox's Blimey! Planets, Eh? have told him to keep his opinions on music to himself.