Afghan war caused by MoD budget shenanigans, reveals email

THE war in Afghanistan was started so the Ministry of Defence could avoid a £13bn underspend, according to a leaked email.

Look at these fat freaks, says television

THIS year's television schedules will focus on staring blankly at the immensely fat, it has been confirmed.

Billy Bragg has absolutely gigantic house

YOU would not believe the size of Billy Bragg's house, it emerged last night.

David Cronenberg steps down from Eastenders

THE BBC last night said it had no regrets after placing veteran film-maker David Cronenberg in charge of Eastenders over the festive period.

Iran nuclear tour conducted by Willy Wonka

INTERNATIONAL diplomats have been given a tour of Iran's nuclear facilities after finding a golden ticket inside a Lion Bar.

Britain begins fitness drive that will rapidly peter out

BRITAIN has launched its annual health kick with a pledge to keep it going until Friday.

Councils urged to collect disease-ridden bags of shit once a week

COUNCILS across England are to be offered incentives to collect rat-filled bags of putrefying meat and devastating viruses more often than once a fortnight.

iPhone be naughty, say sleepyheads

MILLIONS of iPhone users were totally told off by their boss after their favourite toy in the whole world forgot to get them up for work.