News

Texas police draw up list of approved psychics

POLICE in Texas are to draw up a list of certified psychic visionaries after a supernatural tip-off turned out to be a waste of time.

Doctors to check for anyone who looks a bit bomb-y

HOME Secretary Theresa May has asked GPs to check if any of their patients look like they might blow up soon.

Cheryl deal collapses as everyone involved decides to do something with their life

LAST-MINUTE negotiations over Cheryl Cole's television career were abruptly terminated last night after her management team decided to start living actual lives.

Apple fans demand perfectly designed box for iCloud

APPLE fans last night welcomed the new iCloud service but said they would like a lovely box to put it in.

Drone attack kills end-of-level baddie

THE tricky boss at the end of level five of War on Terror has been killed by Americans, it emerged last night.

Of course it was beansprouts

AN inquiry was launched last night into why it has taken more than a week to trace the Ecoli outbreak to the foulest of all vegetables.

Lads' mags lack the integrity of 'Knave', says Cameron

MODERN magazines like Nuts lack the unpretentious honesty of Razzle and Knave, according to the prime minister.

New insect repellent causes mosquitoes to target Geordies

A NEW repellent designed to deter mosquitoes has given the insects an insatiable hunger for Geordies.