News

Former record shop staff at large in normal society

THE closure of record shops is exposing the general public to the borderline humans that worked in them, it has emerged.

Different car shapes most appealing thing about UK town centres

BANNING cars from UK town centres would rob urban Britain of its most attractive feature, it has been claimed.

Royal wedding police unveil 'riot squad of hearts'

THE Metropolitan Police have vowed that next month's royal wedding will be a glorious pageant of tear gassed wonder.

iPad 2 begins beautifully designed journey towards landfill

APPLE'S revolutionary iPad 2 has been launched on its inevitable trajectory towards a big stinking crater full of broken and rotting things.

AA repairmen still can't resist having a pop

ROADSIDE repairmen are still unable to fix your car without making some snide comment, it has emerged.

Money and objects to remain important

MONEY and the objects that can be purchased with it will continue to be everyone's top priority, it has been confirmed.

Maths teachers weird

BRITAIN'S maths teachers are freaks, it has emerged.

BBC admits it hasn't really nailed it since Ceefax

CEEFAX was probably the last really good thing the BBC did, the director general has admitted.