Men puzzled by porn that you read

MALES are deeply confused by a new sort of pornography that is both for women and made of words.

Fathers furious at being summoned from shed

FATHERS are demanding an end to Father's Day, after they were forced to leave their gardens to awkwardly receive a token gift.

New Pixar film not teeming with truculent piss-artists

BRAVE, the new Pixar film set in Scotland, has invented a type of Scottish person which does not and will never exist.

Some people not into football

A SMALL number of English people are not responding correctly to football, it has emerged.

BBC moving Salford to London

THE BBC is to put the entire Manchester district of Salford on castors and wheel it into the capital, it has emerged.

Camper van gives illusion of freedom

THE purchase of a camper van will not make your life meaningful or free, it has emerged.

Sperm love to party down

SPERM actively enjoy alcohol and cigarettes, it has emerged.

Dogs to be shot in Olympic stadium

THE opening ceremony for the Olympic games will include a pile of tractor parts and a man with large hands glaring at everyone, it has been revealed.