Café owner going to kill laptop-using bastard

COFFEE shop owner Tom Logan is about to murder the Mac user who has bought one cup of tea in four hours, it has emerged.

Obama jobs plan a secret Muslim, say Republicans

PRESIDENT Obama's £400bn jobs plans shows all the signs of being a secret Muslim, leading Republicans have claimed.

Nice posh people almost extinct

BRITAIN'S last remaining posh person who doesn't show off or know celebrities and lets local kids play in her maze, was close to death last night.

Scientists discover the risible excuse gene

RESEARCHERS have isolated the strand of DNA responsible for people denying responsibility for anything.

Sky to launch depressing court TV channel

SATELLITE viewers will be able to watch the heartbreakingly banal minutiae of the court system under new laws.

Gok Wan revealed as crafty heterosexual

CHANNEL 4's How To Look Good Naked is a ruse for the secretly straight Gok Wan to involve himself with female body parts, it has emerged.

GQ awards to trigger violent revolution

BRITAIN may finally be stirred into the violent overthrow of its financial and political systems after seeing photographs from last night's GQ Men of the Year awards.

'Feral' comment wrong because it came from Ken Clarke, say experts

DESCRIBING the semi-literate moral vacuums who looted England as 'feral' is wrong because Ken Clarke said it, experts have confirmed.