News

Rooney facing six months in quarantine

WAYNE Rooney may not return from his UEFA hearing today amid fears he will be kept in quarantine for six months.

Inventor of driverless car 'inspired by dream of masturbating in back seat of moving vehicle'

AS self-driving vehicles become a reality, their creator has revealed he was inspired by the notion of being able to masturbate while travelling on a busy road.

For Christ's sake just teach them, parents tell schools

PARENTS last night asked schools if there was any chance they could, for the love of God, just teach their children.

Satan missing from leaked Zuckerberg photos

THE Lord of Darkness does not appear in any of the leaked private photos of Mark Zuckerberg.

Women told to plan ahead for ill-judged drunken sex

WOMEN are being advised to prepare for the aftermath of having sex with someone they hate.

Children who see Muppet movie want even more stuff

THE new Muppet movie is stoking children's desire for even more cheaply made plastic things, it has been confirmed.

HSBC fined for not taking gold teeth

BASTARD factory HSBC has been fined £40m by the Financial Services Authority for failing to ransack old people's bedrooms.

Happy Mondays 'reunion' actually just some smackheads in a park

RUMOURS of a Happy Mondays reunion have been quashed after it was revealed to be a group of heroin addicts near some swings.