Met Office Finally Blamed

AFTER five days of disciplined self-control Britain finally gave in last night and blamed the Met Office for volcanoes.

Goldman Sachs 'Did Not Have Magic Beans'

MERCHANT bank Goldman Sachs has not been using magic beans to generate its multi-billion dollar profits, it was claimed last night.

Stranded Tourists To Be Fired From A Cannon

THOUSANDS of British tourists stranded in Calais will begin their journey home today by climbing into the end of a giant cannon pointed roughly at Kent.

Britain Now Factoring Volcanoes Into Everyday Life

MILLIONS of people across Britain are today beginning the process of incorporating volcanoes into their everyday lives.

'Here Come The Girls' Leads To New Strain Of Harpie

THE song from the Boots adverts has created an unstoppable strain of demented, screeching harpie, experts claimed last night.

Maltese Town Dresses Phallic Statue In School Shorts

A MALTESE town is to cover its famous phallic statue in a school uniform to avoid offending the Pope.

Fury Over Padded Bikinis For Pets

ANIMAL rights groups have called for a ban on a new range of provocative padded beachwear for pets.

'I Can't Come Into Work Because Of The Volcano'

THOUSANDS of people across Britain are planning an early start to the weekend today as the Icelandic volcano presented them a fascinating new excuse.