HAPPINESS is the result of things that actually have nothing to do with you, it has emerged.
THE royal foetus plans to get a pair of mediocre A-levels, have a brief military career or set up an unsuccessful cake business, it has emerged.
ATHEISTS are still not that keen on socialising with people who were in the Scouts, it has emerged.
TAX-CAUTIOUS online retailer Amazon has been flooded with orders for box sets following the royal pregnancy announcement.
IT'S going to start raining men for the first time in history, according to 70s disco meteorologists.