Sperm love to party down

SPERM actively enjoy alcohol and cigarettes, it has emerged.

Dogs to be shot in Olympic stadium

THE opening ceremony for the Olympic games will include a pile of tractor parts and a man with large hands glaring at everyone, it has been revealed.

China sending 450 million women into space

THE People's Republic of China has announced plans for its entire female population to become astronauts.

88% of 'trolls' actually just morons

MOST people assumed to be internet trolls genuinely believe their hateful, demented statements, it has been claimed.

Church pins hopes on Quasar

THE Church of England has announced that its new core purpose is running 'laser tag' games.

Apple unveils new things to fiddle with

APPLE has launched its new range of things to fiddle with and poke at.

Wales returns to being an undersea kingdom

THE country of Wales has returned to its natural submerged state.

Pub unbearability levels to peak at 5.30pm

ENGLISH pubs will become the worst places in the world later today, it has been claimed.