Every ounce of fat on women's bodies now given cutesy name

THE announcement that women's double chins are to be called 'mashed mellows' means every bit of lady fat now has a cute-but-hateful name.

JK Rowling recorded two dubstep albums as Burial

HARRY Potter author JK Rowling has been revealed as the enigmatic dubstep producer Burial.

The Lone Ranger 'not actually alone'

OBSERVANT cinemagoers have noticed that the Lone Ranger is not actually alone.

Protestants parading around like a bunch of dildos again

NORTHERN Ireland's protestants are yet again commemorating a 17th Century battle by poncing around in their bowler hats.

Cigarette packets 'more addictive than nicotine'

COLOURFUL cigarette packets are more addictive than their contents, experts have warned.

Children of unmarried parents to just run around doing murders

ALL children born after 2022 will be born out of wedlock, and lead a life of moral and spiritual poverty, according to research.