Lord Lucan 'just on gap year'

POLICE are exploring the possibility that Lord Lucan, who disappeared in 1974 following the murder of his children’s nanny, may simply be on an extended gap year.

Patrick Bateman 'devastated' by Whitney Houston funeral

51-YEAR-OLD Wall Street commodities broker Patrick Bateman has described his anguish at the death of Whitney Houston.

New anti-virus software 'deadliest yet'

THE latest batch of anti-virus software will break your computer even more thoroughly than previous versions, experts have warned.

Beard disposal experts cordon off David Mitchell

A MILITARY facial hair disposal team has sealed off Peep Show star David Mitchell in a tense bid to remove his beard.

Paparazzi found in Sienna Miller’s womb

A GROUP of motorbike-riding press photographers has been discovered in the uterus of actress Sienna Miller.

Cheryl Cole fighting evil younger self from parallel universe

CHERYL Cole's feud with former protegé Cher Lloyd has been exposed as a trans-dimensional conflict for the future of the Earth itself.

Adele promises to be dumped by Christmas

GRAMMY-magnet dinner party wailer Adele has vowed that her current boyfriend will soon be song-inspiringly awful to her.

Parking fines replaced by kick in testicles

TRAFFIC wardens in England and Wales are to be given new powers to kick motorists in the groin.