Girlfriends to get half of disgusting heap of shit in middle of floor

WOMEN should be entitled to half of their boyfriend's disgusting pile of crap in the event of a split, according to a landmark ruling.

Britain now 'angry old widower in smelly house'

BRITAIN is the angry, racist, old widower who lives in that decrepit house at the end of the street, the UN has confirmed.

Science is fanny central, claims Professor Brian Cox

TOP scientists are nailing a load of fanny, according to dance-pop physicist Brian Cox.

NHS to get fat people to hospital using trail of Wotsits

THE NHS is to improve its performance in getting fat people to hospital by deploying long trails of Wotsits.

Internet damaging children's Home and Away-watching skills

YOUNG people's obsession with the internet could spell the end for traditional pastimes like watching Home and Away, according to new research.

Sorry-o dagoes, says Hammond

TOP Gear's Richard Hammond has apologised to Mexico in a clumsy Spanish-English hybrid that involved adding an 'o' to each word.

750,000 middle class homes could be forced to get Sky

SATELLITE broadcaster Sky's increasingly monopoly on quality TV drama could force many middle-class homes into the murky terrain of dish ownership.

Crime map to keep you nice and scared

THE government has unveiled a street by street crime map of the UK as part of a new initiative to keep you nicely terrified.