BBC tells D:Ream keyboard player to shove it

PRODUCERS of Professor Brian Cox's Blimey! Planets, Eh? have told him to keep his opinions on music to himself.

There's no shortage of shit jobs, minister tells unemployed

THOUSANDS of jobs involving raw meat and extreme temperatures are there for the taking, the government has claimed.

Hackman to star in Midsomer Burning

GENE Hackman is to reprise his role as a tough FBI man in the upcoming racist drama Midsomer Burning.  

Nuclear disasters not just caused by communism

NUCLEAR disasters can be caused by things other than lazy, inefficient communists, it has emerged.

British women not as attractive as a smoked bacon and cheddar double Angus

THE majority of British women would come a distant second to a flame-grilled bacon and cheddar beef burger in a bap, according to a new survey.

Armed troops to ensure enjoyment of royal wedding

THOUSANDS of heavily armed troops are to be deployed across Britain to make sure everyone enjoys the Royal wedding.

Merthyr Tydfil officially awesome

WALES last night proclaimed Merthyr Tydfil to be its greatest ever achievement.

Huge steel penis on rails not a vanity project, says minister

PLANS to thrust a huge metal phallus back and forth between Birmingham and London are not about me, transport secretary Philip Hammond has claimed.