Feckless Tory Orders Nuclear Bombs He Can't Afford

A WORKSHY Tory defence secretary wants to order a new fleet of nuclear submarines and then get taxpayers to foot the bill, it emerged last night.

Apprentice Inspires New Generation To Become Vile

THE new series of The Apprentice is inspiring a new generation to become grasping, money-obsessed little turds, the BBC has claimed.

Kyle Hit By Monkey Faeces

MONKEY trainer Jeremy Kyle was left shaken last night after one of his creatures struck him on the head with a handful of fresh droppings.

Neanderthal Man 'Was Capable Of Being A Prick'

EARLY man often indulged in intolerable behaviour similar to that of modern-day pricks, it has emerged.

Thing You Pay The Bank To Let Keep Your Stuff In Is Worth £6000 Less

THE thing you keep your stuff in that's owned by the bank and that no-one wants to buy anyway is worth £6000 less than it used to be, according to new research.

Documentary To Show Taliban Thinking Prince Harry's An Arsehole

A SHOCKING drama-documentary will show the Taliban kidnapping Prince Harry and then regretting it almost immediately.

Gas Firms Experiment With Fuel Made From Customers' Tears

MAJOR gas suppliers are attempting to convert their customers' bitter tears of woe into an eco-friendly fuel.

Hastings Pier Symbolic Of Something

THE smouldering shell that was once Hastings Pier is almost certainly symbolic of something or other, it has been confirmed.