BRITAIN last night offered safe haven to Colonel Gaddafi's charmingly-named terrorist sidekick.
ENRAGED people may be forced to return to their slightly depressing lives unless they can find a new cause, it has emerged.
AS the Fukushima nuclear power station teeters on the brink of a catastrophic meltdown, someone has pointed out that it looks a bit like Fern Britton.
THE closure of record shops is exposing the general public to the borderline humans that worked in them, it has emerged.
BANNING cars from UK town centres would rob urban Britain of its most attractive feature, it has been claimed.
THE Metropolitan Police have vowed that next month's royal wedding will be a glorious pageant of tear gassed wonder.
APPLE'S revolutionary iPad 2 has been launched on its inevitable trajectory towards a big stinking crater full of broken and rotting things.
ROADSIDE repairmen are still unable to fix your car without making some snide comment, it has emerged.