David Cameron invents the Scouts

THE prime minister has unveiled a radical new concept for social change involving youngsters with neckerchiefs being helpful.

Riot response finally turns stupid

BRITAIN'S festival of righteous indignation has finally resulted in someone being jailed because of tube socks.

Ice Cube family comedies to undermine gangsta culture

RAPPER Ice Cube's family comedy film Are We There Yet? is to be screened in schools in a bid to make 'gangsta' role models unappealing.

Public unconcerned that police think they should be in charge

BRITAIN has thrown its support behind the unelected jobsworths who watched London burn for three days, it has emerged.

Starkey sick of hearing Jamaican patois at the Ivy

HISTORIAN David Starkey has written to a top London restaurant about its constant use of nihilistic Jamaican patois.

Looters return stuff to Games Workshop

SCORES of disappointed rioters queued up this morning to return goods they had mistakenly looted from Games Workshop.

News International to fund extra police officers

NEWS International's desire to give money to policemen could offset the effect of government cuts, it has emerged.

Broom army infiltrated by OCD extremists

NEUROTIC cleaning obsessives have infiltrated the post-riot clean-up campaign, it was claimed last night.