News

Clegg wants unbearably middle class economy with shit adverts

NICK Clegg wants the British economy to be filled with middle class kitchen utensils and adverts made by bastards.

Councils granted right to remove vehicles if in a tow-y kind of mood

LOCAL authorities celebrated last night after a High Court ruling gave them the right to impound cars just totally on a whim.

Jay-Z buys extravagant garden shed

RAPPER Jay-Z has purchased a million-dollar garden shed following the birth of his daughter, it has emerged.

Brit Awards condemned by mental health charities

PEOPLE suffering from depression should avoid looking at the Brit Awards, according to mental health experts.

Mild winter brings no moral lesson for lazy grasshopper

BRITAIN'S relatively pleasant winter weather has taught absolutely nothing to an idle grasshopper that ignored the advice of an industrious ant.

Taliban totally fine with whole pissing on corpses thing

AMERICANS can urinate on our dead bodies as much as they feel like, the Taliban said last night.

Take Me Out contestants shot dead after escape from holding pen

THIRTY-FOUR participants in television rutting event Take Me Out have been killed by ITV rangers after escaping from their secure backstage enclosure.

Everyone apologises for everything

EVERYONE has apologised for everything they have ever done, said, or spelled wrong.