Statue to show Reagan forgetting something important

A NEW statue of Ronald Reagan will depict the late president forgetting one of the illegal things he did.

Newsnight to focus more on what's happening in Essex

THE BBC hopes to boost the ratings of Newsnight by switching its editorial focus towards tanning and genital decoration in Essex.

Lock your PC in a cage, say experts

YOUR computers intends to strangle you while you sleep, experts have warned.

Firms urged to hire stupid little shits

BRITISH businesses have been urged to hire surly, undereducated malcontents because at least they are not foreign.

Spiralling UK population 'could overwhelm Ikea'

BRITAIN'S already-overstretched Ikea stores cannot cope with a growing population, it was claimed last night.

Duchess of Cambridge to eat an entire moose

THE Duchess of Cambridge will continue her tour of Canada today by devouring a gigantic moose.

Elderly Australian man satisfied with purchase

AN Australian pensioner today declared the British government to be excellent value for money.

Pupils assure teachers they'll always think they're dicks

INDUSTRIAL action by teachers will not undermine pupils' lack of respect for them, it has been confirmed.