NICK Clegg wants the British economy to be filled with middle class kitchen utensils and adverts made by bastards.
LOCAL authorities celebrated last night after a High Court ruling gave them the right to impound cars just totally on a whim.
RAPPER Jay-Z has purchased a million-dollar garden shed following the birth of his daughter, it has emerged.
PEOPLE suffering from depression should avoid looking at the Brit Awards, according to mental health experts.
BRITAIN'S relatively pleasant winter weather has taught absolutely nothing to an idle grasshopper that ignored the advice of an industrious ant.
AMERICANS can urinate on our dead bodies as much as they feel like, the Taliban said last night.
THIRTY-FOUR participants in television rutting event Take Me Out have been killed by ITV rangers after escaping from their secure backstage enclosure.
EVERYONE has apologised for everything they have ever done, said, or spelled wrong.