Simon Cowell Still Very Much Alive

POP impresario Simon Cowell was once again still very much alive last night.

Hunt For Swine Flu Vaccine Receipt Intensifies

GOVERNMENT health officials say the receipt for 30 million useless swine flu vaccines is definitely around somewhere.

Workers 'Need More Pretend Training With Overpaid Bullshit Merchants'

WORKERS are being asked to attend more pretend training sessions in a bid to increase the amount of bullshit there is.

'Intelligent' Gorillas Still Unable To Build Time-Travelling Delorean, Say Experts

GORILLAS who display signs of human-like emotions and reasoning are still no closer to building a Delorean that can travel through time, experts have claimed.

Male Sex Addicts Cured By 'Mamma Mia!'

MALE sex addicts are being cured of their impulsive desire for women by watching the smash hit musical Mamma Mia!

Vatican 'Really Didn't Know About The Holocaust'

THE Vatican really did have no knowledge of the Nazi's systematic extermination of Jews during World War II, it was claimed last night.

Police Remove Makeshift Daily Mail Reader Warning Sign

POLICE in Kent have removed a makeshift sign that warned drivers and pedestrians about nearby Daily Mail readers.

Audiences Charmed By Random Collage Of Violence And Foul-Mouthed Toddlers

BALLBAG Explosion Ninja Die, a sequence of random acts of violence interwoven with toddlers uttering filth, is setting new box office records, it emerged last night.