BASTARD factory HSBC has been fined £40m by the Financial Services Authority for failing to ransack old people's bedrooms.
RUMOURS of a Happy Mondays reunion have been quashed after it was revealed to be a group of heroin addicts near some swings.
THE 'New Earth' has a temperate climate, liquid water and is probably
teeming with unbearable arseholes, scientists have claimed.
THE result of Russia's parliamentary election was decided two weeks ago and then locked in a safe to prevent corruption.
TWO giant pandas were very drunk within 15 minutes of arriving in Scotland, it has emerged.
THE August riots were provoked by the people who were nowhere to be seen for the first two days, a study has found.
EXPECTANT mothers frequenting high street coffee shops risk passing on Italian traits to their unborn children, it has been claimed.
THE BBC has issued an apology after comments by Jeremy Clarkson made it possible for Piers Morgan to appear relatively human.