David Cronenberg steps down from Eastenders

THE BBC last night said it had no regrets after placing veteran film-maker David Cronenberg in charge of Eastenders over the festive period.

Iran nuclear tour conducted by Willy Wonka

INTERNATIONAL diplomats have been given a tour of Iran's nuclear facilities after finding a golden ticket inside a Lion Bar.

Britain begins fitness drive that will rapidly peter out

BRITAIN has launched its annual health kick with a pledge to keep it going until Friday.

Councils urged to collect disease-ridden bags of shit once a week

COUNCILS across England are to be offered incentives to collect rat-filled bags of putrefying meat and devastating viruses more often than once a fortnight.

iPhone be naughty, say sleepyheads

MILLIONS of iPhone users were totally told off by their boss after their favourite toy in the whole world forgot to get them up for work.

Giant fox fighting a badger would have been brilliant, say experts

THE UK's biggest fox could probably have beaten a very large badger in an amazing fight, experts have claimed.

Boost to recovery as everything becomes much more expensive

BRITAIN was well on the road to economic recovery today after the government made everything less affordable.

Sheridan facing three-in-a-bed sex sessions whether he likes it or not

TOMMY Sheridan was today facing the prospect of endless three-in-a-bed sex sessions with a variety of eager new friends.