News

Government praised for pretentious tool prevention

IMMIGRATION regulations keeping the country free of artists have been welcomed by people who are not dicks.

Bachmann launches White House bid by machine-gunning a pig

MICHELLE Bachmann has launched her presidential campaign with the ritual machine-gunning of a pig.

Transformers film somehow makes giant robots uninteresting

THE latest Transformers sequel has somehow made enormous flying robots seem like the dullest thing that has ever happened, it emerged last night.

Parents to break Michael Gove

PARENTS across Britain are to capture Michael Gove in a big net and then beat him with a sock full of pennies.

Office bitch sweating like a navvy

BRITAIN was today enjoying the sight of the bitch in their office sweating like a filthy pig on heat.

Shop selling expensive, uncomfortable things to close

A SHOP which sells really uncomfortable sofas for £3000 is to close down.

Manchester begins to eat itself

MANCHESTER has become a self-sufficient vortex of annihilation, scientists have confirmed.

Clooney dumps model for distracting him from allotment

SCREEN icon George Clooney split from Elisabetta Canalis because she kept distracting from his vegetable patch, it has emerged.