News

Obama to spend next two years doing socialist rituals in Kenya

BARACK Obama is to devote the pointless remainder of his presidency to being deliberately antagonistic.

Just kill me, says meat-like veggie burger

A VEGETARIAN burger that tastes like meat has said it would rather die than live a tragic double life.

Man has infantile phone voice for partner

AN office worker has a nauseating, child-like phone voice that he uses when speaking to his girlfriend.

Fancy meals always cooked by psychotic-looking men

KITCHENS in expensive restaurants are staffed by dangerous men, it has emerged.

93 per cent of Waterstones staff have neckbeard

STAFF in high street book chain Waterstones have an unusually high incidence of neckbeard, it has emerged.

Third of UK inaccessible due to undetonated fireworks

MORE than 30 per cent of the country is off-limits because of fireworks that did not go off.

Small businesses 'must be run by stressed-out lunatics'

ALL small firms must be run by total maniacs heading for a coronary, according to a new EU ruling.

Roll-up smokers impervious to health warnings

THE government is to remove health advice from rolling tobacco packets because the people who buy them simply do not care.