Corporate marketing tool to warm morons' hearts

IMBECILES around the UK are preparing to be enchanted by an advert for a big shop.

Rest of UK excited about underwater London

NEW projections that London will be reclaimed by the sea have been greeted enthusiastically by the rest of the country.

DJ talks about his work as if it has artistic merit

A DANCE music DJ has spoken about his work like he is some sort of artist.

Splashback avoidable by urinating in the sink, say male scientists

MALE researchers into the problem of 'splashback' have advised urinating in the sink.

Clarkson to guest-edit Guardian

JEREMY Clarkson will be guest editor of the Guardian for a week, the newspaper has announced.

Of course I smoke crack, says Boris

BORIS Johnson has admitted being 'on the pipe'.

Britain is top place to live, claims sarcastic think tank

BRITAIN is one of the best places in the world, according to a sarcastic thinktank.

Protesters demand V for Vendetta sequel

MASKED protestors around the world have called for a sequel to the 2006 dystopian thriller V For Vendetta.