News

Apple to copyright individual letters

STEVE Jobs has announced his intention to trademark the alphabet.

Gospel music to focus on non-existence of God

MODERN gospel music is increasingly about the non-existence of a supreme being, it has emerged.

Science less than a decade away from fully operational printer

SCIENTISTS will soon develop a home copying machine that is not an absolute pain in the arse, it has been claimed.

Twitter celebrates five pointless years of unremitting shit

MICRO-blogging site Twitter celebrated its fifth birthday yesterday by sounding exactly like a five-year-old.

Osborne to close gap between private jet owners and private jet renters

PEOPLE who own private jets will face higher taxes in a bid to make the system fairer for people who just rent them.

I kind of assumed you're trying to kill me, says Gaddafi

COLONEL Gaddafi last night decided to just go ahead and assume that we are actively trying to kill him.

Most Britons think they're better than most other Britons

THE majority of UK citizens now look down on almost everyone else in the country, according to a new report.

Planes kill baddies

LOTS of people died in Libya last night, but it's okay because they were baddies.