News

'Intelligent' Gorillas Still Unable To Build Time-Travelling Delorean, Say Experts

GORILLAS who display signs of human-like emotions and reasoning are still no closer to building a Delorean that can travel through time, experts have claimed.

Male Sex Addicts Cured By 'Mamma Mia!'

MALE sex addicts are being cured of their impulsive desire for women by watching the smash hit musical Mamma Mia!

Vatican 'Really Didn't Know About The Holocaust'

THE Vatican really did have no knowledge of the Nazi's systematic extermination of Jews during World War II, it was claimed last night.

Police Remove Makeshift Daily Mail Reader Warning Sign

POLICE in Kent have removed a makeshift sign that warned drivers and pedestrians about nearby Daily Mail readers.

Audiences Charmed By Random Collage Of Violence And Foul-Mouthed Toddlers

BALLBAG Explosion Ninja Die, a sequence of random acts of violence interwoven with toddlers uttering filth, is setting new box office records, it emerged last night.

Post Arriving 'Later Than Ever And Covered In Semen'

ROYAL Mail deliveries are arriving later than ever, and frequently drenched in semen, it was claimed yesterday.

Mills Thought Stu Sutcliffe Was The Best Beatle, Says Nanny

HEATHER Mills considered Stu Sutcliffe standing with his back to the audience in a Hamburg strip club in order to hide his inability to play the guitar as the high point of the Beatles' career, an employment tribunal heard yesterday.

Climatologists Claim Planet Is Haunted

GLOBAL warming is probably being caused by ghosts, climate scientists claimed last night.