Protestant Child Molesters 'Being Sidelined'

PROTESTANT child molesters last night warned they were becoming the 'forgotten men' of Christian paedophilia.

Ryanair Passengers Pay Extra £10 Not To Be Blown Out Of The Sky

RAF fighter jets are being scrambled on a regular basis as part of a Ryanair scheme to make passengers pay a £10 surcharge for not being killed.

National Curriculum To Include Abject Terror

PUPILS across the UK are to have the absolute screaming bejesus scared out of them on a weekly basis, under changes to the national curriculum.

Commuters Forced To Make Contingency Plans Involving Wine

THE proposed four day national rail strike will force millions of commuters across Britain to make alternative arrangements involving a load of wine, it emerged last night.

Electric Collars Work, Say Call Centre Managers

EMPLOYERS say they are experiencing positive results after fitting their workers with shock-inducing electric collars.

Sophie And Nigella Urged To End Rivalry With Lingering, Tongue-Heavy Kiss

RIVAL TV cooks Sophie Dahl and Nigella Lawson should settle their differences by exploring each other's mouths on BBC2, experts have claimed.

Cider Drinkers Too Arseholed To Give A Monkey'S

BRITAIN'S cider drinkers last night greeted the Budget with a glazed expression and a wide, peaceful grin before collapsing into a hedge.

O'Leary, Warns Ba Boss

BRITISH Airlines staff have been told that Michael O’Leary will be made their new chief executive unless they call off their strike action.