News

Riots were Derren Brown TV stunt

THE riots which devastated 90 percent of England were just the latest high jinks mind-control stunt by cocky illusionist Derren Brown, it has emerged.

Sanctimonious tools live longer

LOOKING down your nose at normal people can add 10 years to your life, say researchers.

Rail bosses pledge to improve infrastructure of their gigantic houses

TRAIN fare hikes are vital if rail executives are to double the size of their humongous homes by 2015, it was claimed last night.

News International cat incredibly far from bag

THE News International cat was at least 2,000 miles from its bag, it was estimated last night.

David Cameron invents the Scouts

THE prime minister has unveiled a radical new concept for social change involving youngsters with neckerchiefs being helpful.

Riot response finally turns stupid

BRITAIN'S festival of righteous indignation has finally resulted in someone being jailed because of tube socks.

Ice Cube family comedies to undermine gangsta culture

RAPPER Ice Cube's family comedy film Are We There Yet? is to be screened in schools in a bid to make 'gangsta' role models unappealing.

Public unconcerned that police think they should be in charge

BRITAIN has thrown its support behind the unelected jobsworths who watched London burn for three days, it has emerged.