A Freshers' Guide to Choosing the Right Bong

AS the new university term starts, there are hundreds of water pipes to choose from - but which is right for you?

Downton to just call audience a bunch of morons

BLOCKBUSTER drama Downton Abbey will this week finally tell the unvarnished truth to its cretins.

James Brown's soul 'to sell for £5 million'

THE soul of the late American singer James Brown is expected to fetch £5 million at auction later today.

New exam system cannot possibly fail

A NEW exam system is destined for greatness after both Nick Clegg and Michael Gove agreed it was a good idea.

Internet 'will be full by Friday'

THE world will run out of cyberspace by the end of the week, it has emerged.

World on brink of tits-based war

BRITAIN is at war with France and the 'Axis of Tits', as breast-based conflict threatens to engulf the planet.

34% of personalities entirely hat-based

THE number of people who are distinguishable only by a hat they wear has risen dramatically.

Religion still being taken seriously

RELIGION is still being taken seriously by billions of people, according to new research.