ENGLAND faces the choice of a national holiday to celebrate the slaying of a fictional animal by a made-up saint or the violent deaths of a great many French people.
SMALL cakes with brightly-coloured icing will not bring boundless childish glee to your meaningless existence, it has been confirmed.
ONE of the greatest Guardian reader conspiracy theories of the last 20 years was under threat last night after Rupert Murdoch agreed to sell Sky News.
SKINHEADS are ditching Fred Perry shirts, bomber jackets and heavy boots
in favour of the daring but elegant lines of Parisian haute couture.
WOMEN are to pay the same for car insurance as a shit-faced monkey with a bag on its head.
FUNDAMENTALIST Christians in Derby have been forced to accept that God does not want them to be foster parents.
KEBAB lovers were last night relieved to discover their favourite food is nothing more than illegal chimpanzee meat.
A MAJORITY of Britons would back far right groups if they gave up street brawling and bulldozed a mosque.