Rest of Europe wants referendum on Britain

THE 27 member states of the European Union have demanded a referendum on whether Britain is allowed to stay in.

Classical music renamed film music

ALL classical music including Beethoven, Bach, and Mozart is to be reclassified as film music.

'Sherlock baddie make me vote Labour'

EVERYONE in Britain has become left wing because of the baddie in Sherlock.

TV adverts to be just picture of thing, name of thing

TELEVISION adverts will be limited to a still image of a product with its name underneath after becoming too infuriating.

Britain looking forward to majority fatness

BRITAIN is on the brink of a ‘golden age’ where the majority of the population is fat.

Colleague still not back at work

38-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan has still not returned to work after the Christmas break, sparking widespread speculation.

No-one has faintest idea what ‘social cohesion’ is

THE term ‘social cohesion’ has left everyone in Britain utterly baffled, it has been confirmed.

This is not the year you'll get thin, say doctors

DOCTORS have declared that any attempts to lose weight in 2014 are doomed.