Four Years Until You Can Return To Being A Free-Spending Moron, Say Experts

HOMEOWNERS have just four years to forget everything they may have learned during the financial crisis, experts have warned.

Public Execution Of Charity Muggers To Raise All The Money That Will Ever Be Needed

A SPONSORED mass execution of the UK's charity muggers is set to raise more money for good causes than they will ever be able to spend, it emerged last night.

80% Of NHS Time Spent Cleaving Lard From Fat Ladies

THE National Health Service is now mainly employed as a device for extracting fat from chocoholics, experts have claimed.

Thousands Of Doctors Prescribing Jesus

CHRISTIAN doctors are regularly sending patients home with a course of Testament, according to new research.

Memorial Sex Woman Pushing Britain Toward Littlejohn State Of Mind

THE war memorial sex woman and her verminous consort are in danger of making sane people think like Daily Mail columnists, it emerged last night.

Celebrities To Enter Big Brother Winner

VICTORIOUS housemate Josie Gibson is to become 'home' for a tiny submarine carrying Celebrity Big Brother contestants, it has emerged.

Chilean Mine Starting To Sound Not Bad

BEING trapped down a mine shaft in Chile for four months is starting to sound not too bad, men across Britain said last night.

Cool Pupils Celebrate Poor GCSE Results

THE nation's cool teenagers are celebrating their worst GCSE results ever after being too hip to make the slightest effort.