Sunderland To Build Car That Won't Reach Doncaster

THE Nissan factory in Sunderland is to produce a new electric car that will be unable to get as far as Doncaster.

A Child's Guide To Modern Britain

RUB a dub dub, three men in a tub - Which is a perfectly normal domestic arrangement and exactly the same as a mummy and daddy who are married.

Organic Shoppers Rewarded With Right To Commit Evil

SHOPPERS are being offered the chance to use ethical purchases to 'offset' acts of unspeakable foulness.

One In Five Descended From Bastard Children Of Scullery Maids

MILLIONS of Britons are descended from the bastard offspring of aristocrat-defiled domestic drudges, it was claimed yesterday.

Balls Condemns Expert For Knowing Stuff

ED Balls has condemned children's commissioner Dr Maggie Atkinson for using her years of professional experience in forming an opinion.

Jackson Estate Won't Spend It All On Giraffes This Time

THE estate of Michael Jackson has signed a record breaking contract and vowed not to spend it all on funfairs, hush money and giraffes.

Hellish Journey To Job You Despise To Cost More Money Than Ever

THE horrific, soul-destroying journey you make every morning to the job that makes you want to die will soon cost a record breaking amount of money.

Teenage Boys To Be Taught How To Stop Yanking At It For Five Minutes

TEENAGE boys are to be given lessons in how to release the vice-like grip on their penises for five minutes and get some sleep.