News

Film Of Video Game To Be Adapted Into Video Game And Then Back Into Film

THE film of the console game Resident Sewage 43: Crapocalypse is to be adapted back into a console game and then back into a film and so on until the ending of the world, it has been confirmed.

Queen To Have Lunch With Insane Criminal

THE Queen will today have soup and sandwiches at her Edinburgh home with an insane German criminal she met off a plane.

Primark To Charge Customers Just To Chuck Stuff On The Floor

CHEAP clothes giant Primark is to stop selling clothes and instead simply charge the public to come and mess up its shops.

Experts To Decide If Pupils Or Teachers Are Morons

EDUCATION experts will be employed in schools to establish who the stupidest bastards in the building are.

If Ice Cream Adverts Can't Offend Catholics Then What Are They For? Asks Britain

THE future of British ice cream adverts was thrown into doubt last night as the industry watchdog ruled they can no longer offend Roman Catholics.

Video Game Shops To Be Staffed By Existential Philosophers

BUYERS of the highly-anticipated Halo Reach will be served by staff trained to ask them what exactly they are doing with their lives.

Pope Promises Live Witch-Burning

POPE Benedict XVI has promised his UK tour will feature the live on-stage incineration of those who consort with demons.

Cuts Will Cause Lesbian Riots, Say Outreach Workers

OUTREACH workers say they should be protected from cutbacks to stop Britain being torn apart by angry, unsupported lesbians.