Hackman to star in Midsomer Burning

GENE Hackman is to reprise his role as a tough FBI man in the upcoming racist drama Midsomer Burning.  

Nuclear disasters not just caused by communism

NUCLEAR disasters can be caused by things other than lazy, inefficient communists, it has emerged.

British women not as attractive as a smoked bacon and cheddar double Angus

THE majority of British women would come a distant second to a flame-grilled bacon and cheddar beef burger in a bap, according to a new survey.

Armed troops to ensure enjoyment of royal wedding

THOUSANDS of heavily armed troops are to be deployed across Britain to make sure everyone enjoys the Royal wedding.

Merthyr Tydfil officially awesome

WALES last night proclaimed Merthyr Tydfil to be its greatest ever achievement.

Huge steel penis on rails not a vanity project, says minister

PLANS to thrust a huge metal phallus back and forth between Birmingham and London are not about me, transport secretary Philip Hammond has claimed.

Goodwin having sex with your money

WORLD'S worst banker Fred Goodwin hosts money orgies where he has intercourse with a series of life-size papier maché figures made from £20 notes.

New Tomb Raider delayed by glitch in sequel generating machine

THE latest Tomb Raider instalment has been delayed by technical problems with SEQUL8TOR, Hollywood's giant sequel-making computer.