Commuters Forced To Make Contingency Plans Involving Wine

THE proposed four day national rail strike will force millions of commuters across Britain to make alternative arrangements involving a load of wine, it emerged last night.

Electric Collars Work, Say Call Centre Managers

EMPLOYERS say they are experiencing positive results after fitting their workers with shock-inducing electric collars.

Sophie And Nigella Urged To End Rivalry With Lingering, Tongue-Heavy Kiss

RIVAL TV cooks Sophie Dahl and Nigella Lawson should settle their differences by exploring each other's mouths on BBC2, experts have claimed.

Cider Drinkers Too Arseholed To Give A Monkey'S

BRITAIN'S cider drinkers last night greeted the Budget with a glazed expression and a wide, peaceful grin before collapsing into a hedge.

O'Leary, Warns Ba Boss

BRITISH Airlines staff have been told that Michael O’Leary will be made their new chief executive unless they call off their strike action.

BBC Denies Dr Who Cuts As New Monsters Include Some Cheese And A Stick

THE producer of Doctor Who has dismissed claims that new aliens, including Cheddron the Cheese, are the result of BBC budget cuts.

Doctors Demand Concentration Camps For The Poor

DOCTORS have proposed a network of concentration camps to contain Britain's ghastly poor people.

Men Puzzled By Debate Over Bouncy Girls

MEN across Britain continue to be puzzled by the debate over the pros and cons of bouncy girls, it emerged last night.