Cupcakes will not plug gaping chasm where your soul used to be, say experts

SMALL cakes with brightly-coloured icing will not bring boundless childish glee to your meaningless existence, it has been confirmed.

Sky News sell-off will ruin our 
lives, warn Guardian readers

ONE of the greatest Guardian reader conspiracy theories of the last 20 years was under threat last night after Rupert Murdoch agreed to sell Sky News.

Skinheads switch to haute couture

SKINHEADS are ditching Fred Perry shirts, bomber jackets and heavy boots in favour of the daring but elegant lines of Parisian haute couture.

Women's car insurance to cost same as a drunk, blindfolded monkey's

WOMEN are to pay the same for car insurance as a shit-faced monkey with a bag on its head.

Christian foster couple forced to accept God's will

FUNDAMENTALIST Christians in Derby have been forced to accept that God does not want them to be foster parents.

Relief as kebabs found to contain chimp meat

KEBAB lovers were last night relieved to discover their favourite food is nothing more than illegal chimpanzee meat.

Most would back far right if it was better at violence

A MAJORITY of Britons would back far right groups if they gave up street brawling and bulldozed a mosque.

Gaddafi welcomed by online forums

LIBYAN leader Colonel Gaddafi has been offered sanctuary by the internet's legion of keyboard warriors.