News

UK in deadly grip of Pimm’s

BRITAIN is reeling under an onslaught of Pimm’s-fuelled violence and disorder due to forgetting that the summer drink is alcoholic.

Commonwealth Games uniform designed to trigger war

SCOTLAND'S official uniform for the Commonwealth Games is intended to start a war with England.

Rebooted Bond to be a shambling drunk

PRODUCERS have confirmed that the next Bond movie will feature him getting kicked out of Wetherspoons.

Leaked Doctor Who scripts reveal emphasis on monsters and space

THE new season of Doctor Who will involve space travel, monsters and chase sequences, leaked scripts have revealed.

Shameless cat won't catch mice but expects YOU to feed him

TOMCAT Roy Hobbs says he can't be bothered to catch mice, preferring to eat shitloads of Go-Cat.

Vanish Tip Exchange is the new Twitter

TWITTER is being abandoned by users aged 16-24 in favour of the thriving and lawless Vanish Tip Exchange.

Music charts to include songs that pop into your head

THE top 40 will take into account songs that pop into your head for no reason, it has been announced.

Sex acts are official currency of Magaluf

BLOW jobs are an official unit of currency in Magaluf, it has emerged.