VICE presidential candidate Joe Biden was last night urged to reveal who his vice president will be when Barak Obama is assassinated by a racist psychopath.
JEREMY Paxman is to present Newsnight dressed as a black man as he seeks an above inflation pay rise from the BBC.
MILLIONAIRE chef Jamie Oliver has attacked Britain's drinking culture and urged people to forget their troubles by sniffing some really fresh basil.
TV presenter Kate Garraway last night pledged to pump her milk into anything that can suck it.
CHILDREN in the UK are now outnumbered by ageing psychopaths who devour every word of the Daily Mail, new figures reveal.
AN evil mastermind has offered £2 million for the missing memory stick containing the details of thousands of Britain's finest criminals.
KERRY Katona will be doing all her shopping at Iceland from now on, the bankrupt star revealed last night.
SATAN, the Prince of Darkness, is to launch an appeal after he was ordered to sell Heathrow.