News

Small firms urged to sell stuff to bankers

SMALL businesses across Britain could increase their profits by selling loads of stuff to rich bankers, it has emerged.

Meryl Streep attacks Carlos Tevez

MERYL Streep has revealed how her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher has turned her into a swivel-eyed maniac.

Vigilante nan declares war on street crime and black people

CRIME-FIGHTING grandmother Margaret Gerving has declared war on wrongdoers, especially black people and Germans.

M25 'just ends up back where it started'

THE M25 is a huge waste of money that goes round in a loop and just ends up back where it started, according to a devastating new report.

We spend £2.5bn getting our balls fluffed, say bank chiefs

THE increase in the bank levy could force senior bankers to cut back on luxury ball-fluffing, it has emerged.

Northern gibbons are lazy thieves, say scientists

PRIMATES from the northern half of rainforests are more likely to be dishonest than their southerly counterparts, scientists have claimed.

Kids who eat pizza 'do not ask lots of smart-arse questions'

FAT, happy children who eat pizza do not waste their time asking a series of annoying, smart-arse questions, researchers have discovered.

Multiculturalism fails as Mrs Gerving gets annoyed with Mrs Patel

BRITISH multiculturalism officially collapsed yesterday after Mrs Patel neglected to return a Catherine Cookson book belonging to her white neighbour, Margaret Gerving.