Apple stores covered in jizz

BRITAIN'S bodily fluid cleaners have been working overtime after the launch date for the iPhone 5 was announced.

A-Level students to be ranked by similarity to Brian Glover

A-LEVEL students should be judged on both their grades and their likeness to stout Yorkshire actor Brian Glover, it has been claimed.

Jackson's doctor accused of making him weird

MICHAEL Jackson's doctor has gone on trial accused of making him weirder than a bald cat.

Trader may have been acting in own self-interest

THERE is a chance the scary trader on the BBC News may have been acting selfishly, it has emerged.

Man buys Pink Floyd box set, puts it on shelf, feels sad

A MIDDLE-AGED man is feeling oddly downhearted after buying an expensive limited edition box set of music by the favourite band of his youth.

Thousands of bulls audition for last fight

THOUSANDS of bulls have queued outside Barcelona's 'La Monumental' stadium hoping to be selected for the city's final bullfight.

Satan launches Moshi Familiars website

THE devil has set up a new website hoping to lure vulnerable six to 12 year-olds into the world of imp ownership.

Humanity breaks speed of light but is still rubbish with money

THE human race has managed to break the speed of light before learning how not to run out of money, it has been confirmed.