Britain To Become Nation Of Sponge Eaters

BRITAIN is set to become a nation of sponge eaters after reading the first two paragraphs of a story about cancer.

Guardian 'Hacking Phones To Get Incredibly Boring Stories'

THE Guardian has been accused of hacking into mobile phones to acquire its seemingly never-ending series of incredibly tedious articles.

World Breathes Easy As Sad Little Man Decides He's Had Enough Attention

THE world was breathing a sigh of relief last night as the self-appointed head of a tiny church decided he had had enough attention for the time being.

CNN To Replace Larry King With A Prick

CNN is to replace its veteran talk show host Larry King with some fat faced prick it dragged in off the streets.

Google Instant To Free-Up Two-Thirds Of A Second Of Your Day

GOOGLE'S new Instant search engine means consumers can finally start using the fraction of a second it used to take them to get a result.

Inventor Unveils All-In-One Portable Tragedy Shrine

A BRITISH inventor has developed an all-in-one council estate tragedy shrine that can be erected within seconds of something 'sad' happening.

US Church To Commemorate 9-11 By Causing Another One

A CHURCH in Florida is to commemorate the anniversary of the 9-11 atrocity by causing another one.

Dance, Taxman Tells Britain

BRITAIN did a pathetic attempt at an Irish jig last night as the Inland Revenue swigged from a whisky bottle and fired a revolver at its feet.