Southerners reluctant to eat fruit picked by northerners

FRUIT picked by northern people would have to be washed at least three times, southern people said last night.

Google reveals search terms of the apocalypse

GOOGLE has announced the seach terms that will spell the End of Days.

Hurley to decapitate warne after intercourse

LIZ Hurley has announced the imminent closure of her relationship with Shane Warne.

Dave Gilmour to write 48-hour long rock opera about cenotaphs

PINK Floyd legend Dave Gilmour is to explore his son's defilement of the cenotaph with a rock opera that will last for about two days.

Cowell Changing UK Law At Will

SIMON Cowell has announced early release for prisoners who pledge to buy One Direction's debut CD, as he begins to overhaul Britain's statute book.

Britain to sort it all out with a good fight

A MASSIVE, country-wide fist fight could be the solution to Britain's problems, experts have claimed.

Britain finally realises it doesn't need students

BRITAIN is to abolish its 900 year-old university system after finally realising it is a complete waste of everyone's time.

Charles and Camilla attacked by anti-Variety Performance activists

PRINCE Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall were badly shaken last night after their car was attacked by masked thugs, violently opposed to the Royal Variety Performance.