Bush Explains Upside Of Torture, Mass Death And Bankruptcy

GEORGE W Bush has defended his presidency insisting history will wait until he is dead before admitting that mass killing and bankruptcy are excellent.

Rail Passengers To Squeeze Inside Each Other's Bums

RAIL passengers will be forced to spend their daily commute squeezed into the body cavities of other people, it has been confirmed.

Queen To Spend Three Days A Week Blocking Facebook Arseholes

THE Queen will be forced to spend up to three days a week blocking arseholes who leave comments on her Facebook page.

Villagers Demand Return Of Flaccid, Old School Nudists

A FRENCH village plagued by an influx of copulating naturists is campaigning for the return of overweight, erection-free volley ball players.

Duncan Smith Finally Gets To Own Slaves

IAIN Duncan Smith will fulfil a lifelong ambition this week when he finally takes possession of his first batch of slaves.

Just Make A Car, Everyone Tells Sinclair

SIR Clive Sinclair has been told to stop this nonsense and just make a little car.

Modern Men Don't Know Enough About Comics, Complain Women

SINGLE, attractive women say too many men have a poor knowledge of comics, especially the Golden Age stuff and the DC crossover series.

Public Must Choose Between Cure For Cancer And Invisibility Cloak

SCIENCE cannot defeat cancer and produce a magical see-through space coat, experts have warned.