America Exercises Right To Punch Itself In The Nuts

THE United States last night reasserted its hard won freedom to punch itself squarely in the balls.

Policeman Displays Human-Like Intelligence

A POLICEMAN has remembered the names of songs and been able to use them in a sentence, it emerged last night.

Police Issued Guidelines On How To Behave While Trapped In A Wicker Man

NEW police guidelines on religious tolerance will include how to behave sensitively when being sacrificed to a Pagan deity.

Britain Facing Somali Pirate Shortage

A BAN on air freight from Somalia could leave Britain facing a chronic shortage of crazy pirates, experts have warned.

Scottish Football In Multi-Pound Cover Up

REFEREES in the Scottish Premier League have been implicated in a betting ring worth over £10.

Take That Concerts Leave Fans Uncertain Whether Or Not They Were Sold Fake Tickets

THOUSANDS of thirtysomething females have been left wondering whether they just saw Take That in concert, or a bunch of singing plasterers.

Fry To Meet With Chief Skank

STEPHEN Fry is to meet with Britain's chief skank in a bid to defuse the row over his claim that women do not like orgasms.

Chairman Of Tia Maria Gunned Down By Rival Liqueur Baron

THE international liqueur war was reignited last night after the chairman of Tia Maria was executed by a gang believed to be working for the managing director of Malibu.