Prince George begins boarding school

THE one-year-old heir to the British throne has started his first term at Gordonstoun preparatory school.

Fudd declares badger cull vewy successful

THE government's chief marksman Elmer Fudd has denied that the badger cull was essentially farcical.

Britons give up openly drinking

MILLIONS of Britons have begun the new year by vowing to drink only in secret.

Aftershave still top gift for virgins

PEOPLE who have never had sex are the most likely to request aftershave or cologne as Christmas presents.

Mariah Carey getting nothing for Christmas again

POP star Mariah Carey will, once again, receive no Christmas presents from her family or friends.

Gogglebox creates ‘infinity mirror’ of people watching themselves watching themselves

MILLIONS of people across Britain have set up cameras in their living rooms so they can film themselves watching themselves watching television.

Pubs to offer 'professional lanes'

BRITAIN’S pubs will have a section of the bar reserved for people who know what they are doing this Christmas.

Rest of country told to be more like place everyone hates living in

THE government is to make all towns more like the capital, with an increase in hostility and chicken shops.