Masterchef viewers divided over Greg Wallace copulating with food

VIEWERS are divided over the new Masterchef format, in which judge Greg Wallace assesses each dish after having sexual intercourse with it.

Pope distances himself from Galliano

THE Vatican last night insisted Pope Benedict could not be more different from fascist dress designer John Galliano.

Holiday to celebrate dragon-slaying or death of 2,000 Frenchmen

ENGLAND faces the choice of a national holiday to celebrate the slaying of a fictional animal by a made-up saint or the violent deaths of a great many French people.

Cupcakes will not plug gaping chasm where your soul used to be, say experts

SMALL cakes with brightly-coloured icing will not bring boundless childish glee to your meaningless existence, it has been confirmed.

Sky News sell-off will ruin our 
lives, warn Guardian readers

ONE of the greatest Guardian reader conspiracy theories of the last 20 years was under threat last night after Rupert Murdoch agreed to sell Sky News.

Skinheads switch to haute couture

SKINHEADS are ditching Fred Perry shirts, bomber jackets and heavy boots in favour of the daring but elegant lines of Parisian haute couture.

Women's car insurance to cost same as a drunk, blindfolded monkey's

WOMEN are to pay the same for car insurance as a shit-faced monkey with a bag on its head.

Christian foster couple forced to accept God's will

FUNDAMENTALIST Christians in Derby have been forced to accept that God does not want them to be foster parents.