Dance, Taxman Tells Britain

BRITAIN did a pathetic attempt at an Irish jig last night as the Inland Revenue swigged from a whisky bottle and fired a revolver at its feet.

Apple To Ruin Your Life All Over Again

IPHONE users are set to return to their usual sobbing, foetal state with the release of IOS4.1.

Londoners To Loathe Each Other In The Open Air

LONDONERS will spend today wishing death upon each other in a late summer festival of above-ground loathing.

Women The New Black, Say Police

VULNERABLE women who can't defend themselves are the new black, according to police violence pundits

Pope 'Using UK Taxpayers Like Giant Condom'

THE Pope was last night accused of using British taxpayers to protect himself from non-sexually transmitted bullets.

Mini Launches First Aircraft Carrier

MINI has made its first foray into the lucrative 'crossover' market with the launch of a 115,000 tonne aircraft carrier.

Britain Still Lying About How Drunk It Is

BRITAIN continues to tell the most transparent lies about how much it has had to drink, according to new research.

Creation Did Not Involve Chocolate, Claims Hawking

THE creation of the universe did not involve even the tiniest bit of chocolate, according to Professor Stephen Hawking.