We Did Actually Eat Four Guys, Admit Chilean Miners

THE first of the trapped Chilean miners brought to the surface have admitted that four of their colleagues were delicious.

Gap Abandons Plan To Use Swastika

CLOTHING giant Gap was last night forced to abandon its plan to replace its classic blue square logo with the swastika.

Students To Pay £36,000 For Magic Beans

UNIVERSITIES should be be able to charge up to £12,000 a year for magic beans, according to a major review of higher education funding.

Consumers Demand Much Less Information About Food

FOOD shoppers could really do without the pictures of chubby farmers and the word 'classic', according to a new survey.

Banksy Simpson Credits Force The Man To Surrender

THE Man surrendered last night after glimpsing Banksy's opening credits sequence for The Simpsons.

Women Still Paid Less For Having Nice Tits And A Great Arse

THE pay gap between men and tasty birds who have nice little arses and a smashing set of knockers shows no signs of closing, according to new research.

Pay Civil Servants 50p An Hour, Says Topshop Boss

THE UK government could be made cheaper and more efficient if civil servants were paid 50 pence an hour, the boss of Topshop has claimed.

Feckless Tory Orders Nuclear Bombs He Can't Afford

A WORKSHY Tory defence secretary wants to order a new fleet of nuclear submarines and then get taxpayers to foot the bill, it emerged last night.