News

Goading crocodiles every day 'makes you thinner'

PEOPLE who goad crocodiles for 30 minutes a day tend to weigh less than those who do not, according to new research.

Friends Reunited to do one of the things that Facebook does

FRIENDS Reunited has relaunched with a pledge to be not bad at one of the things that has made Facebook enormous.

Microbes at bottom of Mariana Trench thought Avatar was shit

THE microbes who live at the bottom of the Mariana Trench have finally been able to tell James Cameron that Avatar was appalling.

Army to provide surly 24-hour garage service

SOLDIERS are being trained to tut, sigh and then finally deliver the wrong brand of cigarettes through the sliding metal tray at 24-Hour-garages.

Cameron begins search for new pimp

DOWNING Street has advertised for an experienced prostitution agent.

Bald men amazed hair loss cure isn’t bigger deal

MALE pattern baldness sufferers have discovered news of a possible cure tucked away on page 16 of their newspapers.

Lovecraft anniversary marked by feeling of creeping dread

THE 75th anniversary of the death of horror writer H.P. Lovecraft has been commemorated with an indefinable sense of terror.

Everything shagging

AS the first weekend of spring begins, the British countryside has come alive with rampant sex.