News

Britons face not being able to have everything they want

BRITAIN's ongoing economic turmoil could leave households unable to buy whatever they fancy, according to a new report.

Government u-turn on workshy trees

THE government has abandoned plans to force trees off benefits and into work.

Take That riot police 'just a bunch of dancers'

BRITAIN was heavy with disappointment last night as it emerged that Take That's riot police are just a group of non-violent dancers.

Doctors assure Paisley new pacemaker is not Catholic

DOCTORS treating former Unionist leader Ian Paisley have assured him his new pacemaker is not in league with the Bishop of Rome.

Pretend Mars mission a success, confirms group of nine year-old boys

A SUCCESSFUL simulated Mars mission saw encounters with aliens and also zombies, according to the children who organised it.

NHS forcing old people into bare-knuckle boxing

THE National Health Service is now little more than a front for illegal boxing matches between frail pensioners, according to a new report.

Thank you for the lovely coup, army tells Egypt

THE Egyptian army last night thanked demonstrators in Cairo for their military coup, adding that it was a very nice one.

Rastamouse already annoying

THE BBC has been accused of encouraging annoyance with its new series about a Jamaican rodent.