News

Light sabres will exist when Star Wars completely ruined

LIGHT sabres will become a reality shortly after Star Wars has been completely ruined, it has emerged.

Columnist running out of feminist perspectives

GUARDIAN columnist and blogger Nikki Hollis is running out of things on which to have a feminist perspective.

BBC acts to stop Danny Dyer films

THE BBC has won public support for its move to stop poor quality gangster films by casting Danny Dyer in EastEnders.

Teenage mutant ninja turtles breeding in the UK

HUMANOID turtles with weapons skills have become a native species in Britain.

Unemployed must become Scouts

GEORGE Osborne has told unemployed people that they must earn Scouting badges to keep their benefits.

Bridget Jones's husband inevitably kills himself

THE husband of fictional character Bridget Jones takes his own life to avoid listening to her incessant bullshit, it has emerged.

Samantha Cameron calls off divorce

THE prime minister's wife has halted divorce proceedings after realising she'd lose a sweet £200-a-year tax break.

Breaking Bad ends with everyone friends again

THE final episode of Breaking Bad ended last night with everyone becoming friends again.