We spend £2.5bn getting our balls fluffed, say bank chiefs

THE increase in the bank levy could force senior bankers to cut back on luxury ball-fluffing, it has emerged.

Northern gibbons are lazy thieves, say scientists

PRIMATES from the northern half of rainforests are more likely to be dishonest than their southerly counterparts, scientists have claimed.

Kids who eat pizza 'do not ask lots of smart-arse questions'

FAT, happy children who eat pizza do not waste their time asking a series of annoying, smart-arse questions, researchers have discovered.

Multiculturalism fails as Mrs Gerving gets annoyed with Mrs Patel

BRITISH multiculturalism officially collapsed yesterday after Mrs Patel neglected to return a Catherine Cookson book belonging to her white neighbour, Margaret Gerving.

Coogan possesses Top Gear opinion

STEVE Coogan fans were dismayed last night after it emerged the actor is one of those people who has an opinion about Top Gear.

Lies about plastic surgery up 39%

LAST year saw a record increase in the number of obvious lies about embarrassing surgery scars.

New York smoking ban to halt fall in violent crime

NEW York is bidding to reverse its plummeting violent crime figures by not letting anybody smoke.

Girlfriends to get half of disgusting heap of shit in middle of floor

WOMEN should be entitled to half of their boyfriend's disgusting pile of crap in the event of a split, according to a landmark ruling.