News

Satan missing from leaked Zuckerberg photos

THE Lord of Darkness does not appear in any of the leaked private photos of Mark Zuckerberg.

Women told to plan ahead for ill-judged drunken sex

WOMEN are being advised to prepare for the aftermath of having sex with someone they hate.

Children who see Muppet movie want even more stuff

THE new Muppet movie is stoking children's desire for even more cheaply made plastic things, it has been confirmed.

HSBC fined for not taking gold teeth

BASTARD factory HSBC has been fined £40m by the Financial Services Authority for failing to ransack old people's bedrooms.

Happy Mondays 'reunion' actually just some smackheads in a park

RUMOURS of a Happy Mondays reunion have been quashed after it was revealed to be a group of heroin addicts near some swings.

'New Earth' probably full of arseholes

THE 'New Earth' has a temperate climate, liquid water and is probably teeming with unbearable arseholes, scientists have claimed.

Putin avoids corruption allegations by deciding result two weeks ago

THE result of Russia's parliamentary election was decided two weeks ago and then locked in a safe to prevent corruption.

Pandas already drunk

TWO giant pandas were very drunk within 15 minutes of arriving in Scotland, it has emerged.