Swan reveals bone-breaking technique

BRITAIN'S most aggressive swan has explained the mysterious technique that allows his species to break your arm or leg.

Jordan’s hand in marriage to avert war

PEOPLE'S princess Jordan has agreed to marry Argentinian Leandro Penna
to prevent war between his country and the British Empire.

European probe heading for Jupiter or thereabouts

A BET-HEDGING European space probe will aim for Jupiter, but if it ends
up on a moon or Saturn that would also be considered fine.

Hurry up, evolution told

SOCIETY has asked the process of evolution if it could pull its finger out.

Green light for Somerset virgin sacrifice

RESIDENTS of flood-threatened Somerset have offered up the lives of two fair maidens.

Old bastard attacked by useless shower of piss

A SNEAKY old bastard was last night attacked by people who have made a career in politics.

Titanic II billionaire also commissions remote controlled-iceberg

THE super-rich magnate behind the new Titanic is also making a
life-sized replica of the original iceberg, amid fears he may be totally

You can't just steal stuff, claims judge

A HIGH Court judge yesterday claimed that you cannot just go around stealing other people's property.