Cherie Blair's Sister Converts To Aldi

CHERIE Blair's sister has converted to Aldi, it emerged last night.

Fury Over Death Of Britain's Biggest Cow

ANGER erupted across Britain last night after the nation's largest cow was found dead.

London To Be Socially Cleansed After Child Bitten By Poor Person

LONDON'S poor are to be culled after a child was bitten by an unemployed adult male.

Manchester In Desperate Need Of A Bowling Alley

MANCHESTER is to build a gigantic bowling alley after it emerged that 30 local men had nothing better to do on a Thursday night than go to a footballer's house and threaten to kill him.

BBC Pledges Most Utterly Hellish Eastenders Christmas Ever

THIS year's Eastenders Christmas will set new standards in unbearably hellish festive grimness, the BBC has promised.

Thatcher Gaining Strength From Nation's Misery

BARONESS Thatcher was making a remarkable recovery from illness last night, as she gained sustenance from Britain's collective trauma.

Government Scraps Plan To Get Last 9m Cretins Online

EFFORTS to get Britain's stupidest people online by 2011 have been suspended after free modems were boiled or used as hats.

ITV To Apologise To Essex Using A Sad Face And Some Boobs

THE broadcaster of The Only Way Is Essex is to apologise to the county's residents using pictures of things they recognise.