Celebrity Big Brother viewers unable to get clean

VIEWERS of Channel 5's Celebrity Big Brother have been scrubbing themselves all night but still feel dirty.

Record numbers poncing about in new cars

MORE Britons than ever are driving around in brand new cars like a bunch of total ponces.

News mainly pictures of waves

NEWS editors have confirmed that they are mostly going to be doing pictures of waves for the time being.

Prince George begins boarding school

THE one-year-old heir to the British throne has started his first term at Gordonstoun preparatory school.

Fudd declares badger cull vewy successful

THE government's chief marksman Elmer Fudd has denied that the badger cull was essentially farcical.

Britons give up openly drinking

MILLIONS of Britons have begun the new year by vowing to drink only in secret.

Aftershave still top gift for virgins

PEOPLE who have never had sex are the most likely to request aftershave or cologne as Christmas presents.

Mariah Carey getting nothing for Christmas again

POP star Mariah Carey will, once again, receive no Christmas presents from her family or friends.