Morgan Freeman to become full-time Nelson Mandela

NELSON Mandela is to resign from being himself to make way for Morgan Freeman.

Genetically-modified mosquitoes released for no reason

SCIENTISTS in Malaysia have unleashed giant, DNA-altered mosquitoes into the environment for the hell of it.

Celebrities still think they deserve privacy

BRITAIN'S famous people are still insisting they are entitled to any kind of private life, it emerged last night.

Living standards plummet to early 21st Century levels

BRITAIN'S average standard of living will soon be no better than it was just over five years ago.

Fresh calls for you to be sacked

YOU are facing the sack today because you once said something about someone that some other people have decided to find offensive.

iPhone fired into space to see if it finally gets a signal

SCIENTISTS are to put an iPhone into orbit in an attempt to get a full set of bars for a change.

Christianity is my drug, says new government drugs adviser

NEW government drugs adviser Dr Hans-Christian Raabe has reassured worried parents by confirming that Christianity is the only drug young people need.

Poofter spat in my macaroni, claims angry old woman

ONE of them poofters spat in my macaroni cheese last night, Mrs Phillips in room seven has claimed.