MILLIONS of people across the UK are hoping to earn up to £3000 a day by pretending to be a terrorist.
TALIBAN forces in southern Afghanistan were in retreat last night after a fresh offensive by Britain's nancy boy actors.
CRAVINGS for alcohol are best reduced by alcohol, alcoholics said last night.
DRIVERS were last night urged to go apeshit crazy, as everything went tits up.
BRITAIN will today pick out a nice, new handcart as it completes its preparations for the journey to Hell.
APPLE boss Steve Jobs last night unveiled the new iPhone, insisting there was 'no way' he would launch a better and cheaper version in three months time.
SUPERMARKET giant Tesco has stepped up its campaign against TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whttingstall by nailing a live chicken to the door of River Cottage.
BRITAIN has given up on dental appointments and decided to settle for having quite bad teeth, according to a new report.