News

Happy Mondays 'reunion' actually just some smackheads in a park

RUMOURS of a Happy Mondays reunion have been quashed after it was revealed to be a group of heroin addicts near some swings.

'New Earth' probably full of arseholes

THE 'New Earth' has a temperate climate, liquid water and is probably teeming with unbearable arseholes, scientists have claimed.

Putin avoids corruption allegations by deciding result two weeks ago

THE result of Russia's parliamentary election was decided two weeks ago and then locked in a safe to prevent corruption.

Pandas already drunk

TWO giant pandas were very drunk within 15 minutes of arriving in Scotland, it has emerged.

Riots caused by police when they finally turned up

THE August riots were provoked by the people who were nowhere to be seen for the first two days, a study has found.

Coffee blamed for infant Italianisation

EXPECTANT mothers frequenting high street coffee shops risk passing on Italian traits to their unborn children, it has been claimed.

BBC apologises for making Piers Morgan look comparatively good

THE BBC has issued an apology after comments by Jeremy Clarkson made it possible for Piers Morgan to appear relatively human.

Appeal of little dogs remains mysterious to everyone except little dog owners

RESEARCHERS into the phenomenon of tiny dog ownership have been unable to fathom why you would want one of those things in your house.