Busy parents ask schools to beat their children

ALMOST half the parents in Britain are so busy they need schools to beat their children for them.

Confusion as banker arrested for losing vast amount of money

THERE was widespread confusion today after a banker was arrested for losing billions of pounds.

Coke-snorting jungle fever is the real America, says Palin

SARAH Palin last night claimed drug taking and having sex with tall muscly black men was the dream of every real American.

Supermarket forced to withdraw advert featuring happy customers

A TELEVISION advert for Tesco featuring cheerful humans roaming its aisles is misleading, a watchdog has ruled.

We were so right about Hari, say bullshit merchants

IDIOT journalist Johann Hari was last night roundly condemned by the usual bunch of self-regarding bullshitters.

Cameron to cut deficit with dodgy ham

DAVID Cameron is to cut the deficit by removing at least 30% of Britain with catastrophically out-of-date pork products.

Discovery of Earth-like planet means it's okay to destroy Earth

ASTRONOMERS have discovered a habitable planet that we can all just go and live on when we break the Earth.

Uh-oh, says everyone on internet

AS a man was jailed for internet abuse, everyone with a computer has spent the last 12 hours frantically deleting as much as they possibly can.