British adults reminded they should wash hands after defecating

THERE were fresh concerns about Britain last night after officials found it necessary to remind fully-grown humans to wash their hands after going to the lavatory.

Chinese to peek at your email before buying everything and making you their slave

CHINA'S plans for world domination now include the relentless purchase of all physical assets, your total, crushing enslavement and having a sneaky peek at your email account.

Books making children gay

READING is turning young people into homosexuals, it emerged last night.

People reading drug report double check they are not on drugs

A NEW high-level report on drug policy makes so much sense that people reading it have had to double check they are not off their tits.

Care home vows to interview job applicants from now on

A CARE home company has promised it will interview prospective employees in future rather than just letting any bastard work there.

Nobel laureates discuss the last time they puked

A PANEL of Nobel laureates including VS Naipaul and Mohammed ElBaradei have discussed their most recent vomiting experiences before an enraptured audience at the Hay Festival.

How dare Pippa Middleton muscle her way into this headline

PIPPA Middleton was last night accused of cashing in on her sister's royal status after ruthlessly hijacking the beginning of this sentence.

All mobiles deadly except bankers'

HAVING a mobile phone strapped to your head will produce money-making brain vitamins, investment bankers were assured last night.