Cat Bin Lady Signed By Cowell

FREAK wrangler Simon Cowell has signed a 50-year-old woman after footage of her slamdunking a cat became an internet sensation.

Chinese Celebrate As Their Lives Become As Pointless And Frustrating As Ours

THE Chinese were celebrating another great leap forward today as their lives finally achieved Western levels of hellish pointlessness.

That Whole 'Stig' Thing Got Boring About Eight Years Ago, Everyone Tells BBC

THE anonymity of the Stig was vaguely amusing for about 10 minutes in 2002, the BBC was told last night.

Parking At Work Now Hardest Part Of Most Jobs

FINDING a parking space is the most challenging aspect of the average working week, according to a new survey.

Junkies To Be Renamed 'Heroin Buffs'

DRUG abusers are to be renamed 'heroin buffs' in recognition of their in-depth knowledge and appreciation of the world's finest narcotics.

Cheryl Soldiers On Despite Being Dead

BRAVE X Factor judge Cheryl Cole has overcome her recent death with the aid of hooks and pulleys.

Is Britain Using Auto-Moron?

BRITAIN is using state-of-the-art audio visual technology to make itself even more moronic, it was claimed last night.

Two-Thirds Believe Their Windows Are Giant Screens

MOST people are convinced that the view from their living room is a 2D image made of pixels.