News

Bernard Manning defrosted

SEVENTIES comic Bernard Manning is being woken from cryogenic sleep after Ricky Gervais completed preparations for his return, it has emerged.

Pathological self-absorption now mandatory

EVERYONE must place themselves at the centre of the universe immediately, it has been confirmed.

Women offered chance to give birth anally

WOMEN in the UK will soon have the option to give birth anally, as part of the NHS reform bill.

Obama attacked for not calling Republicans a bunch of dicks

PRESIDENT Obama was condemned last night for not describing his Republican opponents as total dicks.

TFL promises uninterrupted tosspottery

TUBE travellers will be able to broadcast their ignorance even when 150 foot underground by summer, promise TFL.

Occupy record 'may have a rap in it'

THE impending first release on the Occupy movement's record label may feature a short burst of rapping, experts have warned.

Gordon Ramsay's face 'cuts bowel cancer risk'

PEOPLE who visualise Gordon Ramsay's face while they are on the toilet can reduce their risk of bowel cancer, according to new research.

Key financial decisions now based on free toy

BRITONS will spend any amount of money in order to get a 'plush toy', it has emerged.