Palace unveils new uses for Harry

BUCKINGHAM Palace has unveiled 12 new things that Prince Harry can do to make himself useful.

Mobile phone risks purely git-based

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that the only long term risk associated with mobile phones is gittishness.

Cheery tube driver actually a pain in the arse

A LONDON underground driver who has been cheering up commuters with his amusing asides for over a decade is just a pain in the arse, it has been confirmed.

Google unveils 99p G-Spot app

A NEW smartphone app claims to be able to unerringly locate the G-spot which brings women to so-called 'multiple orgasms'.

Britain borrowing way too much stuff

BRITAIN'S borrowing is out of control, with clothes, DVDs and cookware topping the list of things that need to be given back.

Catholic schools launch 'eurgh, benders' petition

PUPILS at Catholic schools are being encouraged to sign a petition against being a total bumpilot.

Recession not stopping Britain from stuffing its fat face

RECESSION, austerity and reduced spending power have not stopped Britain from ramming calories into the front of its head, scientists have confirmed.

How will latest Murdoch revelations affect Glee? asks Britain

BRITAIN last night demanded to know what impact the latest developments in the News Corp scandal will have on Glee.