News

Cheryl Cole not good enough for Americans

BRITISH culture was dealt a devastating blow last night after Cheryl Cole was sacked by Americans.

Getting angry at traffic jams makes them go away

SHOUTING obscenities while punching the dashboard during traffic jams makes them disappear, according to new research.

Government sexual health adviser to be hatchet-faced old bag

BRITAIN'S sexual health policy will be decided by 68-year-old spinster Margaret Gerving.

Denmark kicks your grandmother in the face

DENMARK may as well have kicked your lovely old grandmother right in the teeth, it emerged last night.

Obama thanks Queen for imperialist, ceremonial bullshit

PRESIDENT Obama last night thanked the Queen for laying on the sort of ceremonial bullshit that harks back to the empire that crushed his beautiful African ancestors.

God sues Jordan for playing him

LORD God Almighty has filed a £6m lawsuit against inflatable glamour model Jordan for bringing his name into disrepute.

Wire star's new crime series to use realistic West Country dialect

A NEW HBO-style cop drama starring Dominic West will introduce phrases like ''ow bist' and 'gert lush' to Guardian readers.

Footballer had sex

A PROFESSIONAL footballer did it with some dolly bird, it has been confirmed.