Andre 3000 To Run For President Of Funkadonia

OUTKAST sex hurricane Andre '3000' Benjamin has launched a bid to become President of the People's Funkpublic of Funkadonia.

You First, Men Tell Bundchen

GISELE Bundchen has been urged to boost her breastfeeding campaign by coming to people's houses and showing them how it's done.

Abortion Ad Upsets Exactly The Right People

THE first television advert for abortion advice has done exactly what it was supposed to do, the Advertising Standards Authority has confirmed.

Bristol Palin Is Daughter Of Ex-Fiancee

BRISTOL Palin is the daughter of her ex-fianceé Levi Johnston, it has emerged.

'Expendables' Sparks Fresh Controversy Over Child Screenwriters

THE producers of The Expendables were last night facing a legal challenge from the parents of the film's screenwriters.

Twilight Characters To Have Fumbling, Slightly Painful Attempt At Sex

THE next Twilight film will see Bella and Edward's relationship finally get physical in a massively humiliating and shame-filled way, it emerged last night.

Trafalgar Square Maze 'Will Not Be Completely Filled With Pissed Glaswegian Tramps'

THE new maze in London's Trafalgar Square will include some areas that have not been occupied by a foul-mouthed, Glaswegian vagrant, officials have pledged.

Massive Gig To Explain Pointlessness Of Afghan War

AN estimated 60,000 fans are to gather at Wembley Stadium for a series of charity lectures on the intractable nature of the war in Afghanistan.