Dreary Women Given Something New To Talk About

DREARY women across Britain finally have something new to talk about for the next six to nine months.

Qantas In Emergency Talks With Gremlins

BELEAGURED airline Qantas is hoping to end its ongoing Gremlin problems after announcing formal talks with the diminutive, mischief-oriented creatures.

Manchester Uninhabitable By Spring

GREATER Manchester will be 500 square miles of smouldering hellhole by April, say experts.

Everything In Your Life Is Insanely Complicated Except This New Thing, Says Facebook

YOUR life is spiralling out of control thanks to an ever more complex series of communication paradigms that will eventually murder you, Facebook confirmed last night.

Ireland To Dance Its Way Out Of Debt

IRELAND is to save itself from bankruptcy by dancing.

Rogue ITV Producer Running Own Nightmarish Version Of 'I'm A Celebrity' In Cambodia

A DEMENTED TV producer is running his own hellish celebrity-based reality show in the Cambodian jungle, where he is worshipped as a god by natives.

British General Stopped Russians From Killing James Blunt

A BRITISH general's intervention to stop World War III may also have prevented the destruction of James Blunt, it emerged last night.

British Gas To Just Shoot Your Dog In The Face

SOMEONE from British Gas will be round this afternoon to shoot your dog in the face, it has been confirmed.