WAYNE Rooney may not return from his UEFA hearing today amid fears he will be kept in quarantine for six months.
AS self-driving vehicles become a reality, their creator has revealed he was inspired by the notion of being able to masturbate while travelling on a busy road.
PARENTS last night asked schools if there was any chance they could, for the love of God, just teach their children.
THE Lord of Darkness does not appear in any of the leaked private photos of Mark Zuckerberg.
WOMEN are being advised to prepare for the aftermath of having sex with someone they hate.
THE new Muppet movie is stoking children's desire for even more cheaply made plastic things, it has been confirmed.
BASTARD factory HSBC has been fined £40m by the Financial Services Authority for failing to ransack old people's bedrooms.
RUMOURS of a Happy Mondays reunion have been quashed after it was revealed to be a group of heroin addicts near some swings.