News

Christmas summarised with a single grunt

BRITONS are describing their Christmas break to each other using a single semi-intelligible sound.

Cheap oil to create stinking, cancerous, gridlocked utopia

THE plummeting oil price will create a perfect world of traffic jams and a foul-smelling greyish-green fog.

Families watching traditional girl-on-girl stage shows

THOUSANDS of British families are celebrating Christmas by watching some girl-on-girl action.

Queen to confirm she is immortal

THE Queen will use her annual Christmas message to announce that she will never die.

Drunken mob roaming nation looking for carol service

A MOB of more than 400,000 drunks is staggering around the UK searching for a carol service to bellow at.

Everyone to live an extra six hate-filled years

THE average life expectancy has increased by six bitter, ignorant years since 1990, researchers have found.

Gogglebox family replaced by gibbons

THE producers of Gogglebox have confirmed that the departing Michael family will be replaced with five hooting gibbons.

Establishment planning to bring Russell Brand down with sex scandal

THE security services are planning to discredit Russell Brand by having him caught in an affair with a disreputable young woman.