More people are going to read the Mail on Sunday

THE readership of the Mail on Sunday will increase, it is as simple as that, experts warned last night.

Rebekah Brooks must know some serious shit

REBEKAH Brooks is clearly keeping the Murdochs out of jail, it has emerged.

Thing is, you might get hit by a bus tomorrow, say doctors

YOU never know what's going to happen so you might as well eat a load of crisps, doctors said last night.

Zuckerberg posts armed guards at Facebook perimeter

ANYONE who tries to leave Facebook will be shot, Mark Zuckerberg said last night.

Who does Rupert Murdoch think you are?

QUESTIONS were being raised last night over exactly what kind of person Rupert Murdoch thinks you are.

Sandwich to stay disappointing for two weeks

ADVANCES in food technology mean that pre-packed sandwiches can now retain their disappointingness for up to 14 days.

Is the Guardian Harry Potter?

THE Harry Potter saga has come to life with the boy wizard taking the form of the Guardian, experts have confirmed.

Murdoch reeling as glamour models pull kiss-and-tell sexcapades

BRITAIN'S topless models have threatened to withdraw their thrilling tales of rump-pumpy from the News Of The World.