School Bans Ugly Children

A VILLAGE primary school has saved Valentine's Day by giving its ugliest pupils the day off.

Traditional Burglary A Dying Art, Say Thieves

THE heart-warming sight of an old-fashioned burglar smashing a toilet window could soon be swept away by a rising tide of joyless online fraud, according to some of Britain's leading thieves.

Most People Able To Watch Friends Inside Their Head

CHANNEL Four finally agreed to stop the US comedy Friends last night after accepting that most people are now able to watch entire episodes inside their own heads.

MI5 Has Been Trying To Keep Things Secret, Says Judge

BRITAIN'S top judge has accused the secret service of trying to keep everything a big secret.

Honda Jazz Filled With Scorpions

CAR giant Honda last night confirmed that its Jazz supermini hatchback is full of deadly scorpions.

Labour Bottles The Taste Of Failure

THE Labour Party has combined the essence of disappointment, inertia and broken promises in a unique sauce that voters can add to their food.

Church Plans Supergay Parade Float

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has underlined the Church of England's support for tolerance and diversity with plans for a 'supergay' parade float.

America Divided Over Waterboarding Of Children

THE arrest of a US soldier accused of sticking his daughter's head in a sink has sparked a national debate over when it is acceptable to water-board a child.