Britons face terrible pressure to be good at things

ANDY Murray's tennis victory has put ordinary Britons under pressure to be less shit, experts have warned.

Kate Moss designs range of nuclear missiles

SUPERMODEL Kate Moss has designed a range of nuclear missiles for style-conscious governments.

Everyone thinking about trying khat

MILLIONS of Britons are considering giving khat a go after hearing about it for the first time this week.

Britain only capable of emotions when there is a ball involved

BRITISH people cannot feel emotion unless they are looking at a small spherical object, it has emerged.

General public rude, stupid and intensely irritating

THE public are idiots, people who serve them have observed.

Luther moody because of haemorrhoids

TV COP Luther is moody and dangerous because his piles are giving him terrible grief, it has been revealed.

Pop music now aimed at middle-aged male perverts

40-PLUS male perverts are the target demographic for modern pop music, it has emerged.

Popeye strong to the finish because of monkey hormone injections

SAILOR Popeye has admitted that his immense upper body strength is not the result of a spinach-heavy diet.