News

Jay-Z buys extravagant garden shed

RAPPER Jay-Z has purchased a million-dollar garden shed following the birth of his daughter, it has emerged.

Brit Awards condemned by mental health charities

PEOPLE suffering from depression should avoid looking at the Brit Awards, according to mental health experts.

Mild winter brings no moral lesson for lazy grasshopper

BRITAIN'S relatively pleasant winter weather has taught absolutely nothing to an idle grasshopper that ignored the advice of an industrious ant.

Taliban totally fine with whole pissing on corpses thing

AMERICANS can urinate on our dead bodies as much as they feel like, the Taliban said last night.

Take Me Out contestants shot dead after escape from holding pen

THIRTY-FOUR participants in television rutting event Take Me Out have been killed by ITV rangers after escaping from their secure backstage enclosure.

Everyone apologises for everything

EVERYONE has apologised for everything they have ever done, said, or spelled wrong.

Gay marriage 'releases deadly pink gas into ozone layer'

POPE Benedict has explained the hard science behind his theory that gay marriage will cause the destruction of humanity.

No-one in a hurry to get to Birmingham

SUPPORT for the high speed rail link between London and Birmingham was muted yesterday as nobody really wants to go there.