Pit Bull Owners To Have Testicles Chewed Off By Their Own Dog

MEN who own pitbulls could be sterilised by their own pets, according to new research.

Vicar Prays To Sham God

AN East Sussex vicar has been found guilty of worshipping a bogus deity for the last four years.

So, How Was That Going To Work? Everyone Asks Family Of Dead Japanese Guy

THE relatives pocketing the pension of a Japanese man who had been dead in his bed for 30 years were last night asked exactly how they thought this was going to pan out.

New Bank Pledges To Openly Despise Its Customers

BRITAIN'S newest high street bank has promised not to pretend to be your friend.

Inception Director Implanted Idea That People Who Don't Like Inception Are Stupid

INCEPTION director Christopher Nolan was last night accused of invading people's dreams and implanting the sub-conscious perception that his new film isn't just a lot of toss.

Say 'Nutjob' Not 'Daily Mail Reader', Says Minister

HEALTH professionals should tell patients they are 'nutjobs' rather than 'Daily Mail readers', the public health minister has claimed.

Muslim Women 'Must Dress Like Top Gear Presenters'

BRITISH Muslim women should trade their Burkas for the jeans, blazers and incongruous hair favoured by the hosts of Top Gear, it was claimed last night.

Retirement Plan Welcomed By Demented, Half-Blind 84 Year-Old Heart Surgeon

BRITAIN'S craziest, half-blind, octogenarian heart surgeon was looking forward to returning to work last night after the government abolished retirement.