Tory donor kills lion but still fails to get full erection

MILLIONAIRE banker Sir David Scholey remains unable to achieve an erect penis despite shooting bullets into a lion, it has emerged.

Banks to find way of risking your happiness

BRITAIN'S banks have pledged that industry reform will not prevent them from toying with your pathetic life.

Conspiracy theorists deny 9-11 anniversary

SEPTEMBER 11th conspiracy theorists have dismissed claims of the terrorist attack's 10th anniversary.

Prince Charles to grow enormous beard

ROYAL aides have confirmed that Prince Charles is to give up his role as heir to the throne to pursue a career as a mouth-foaming prophet of doom.

Café owner going to kill laptop-using bastard

COFFEE shop owner Tom Logan is about to murder the Mac user who has bought one cup of tea in four hours, it has emerged.

Obama jobs plan a secret Muslim, say Republicans

PRESIDENT Obama's £400bn jobs plans shows all the signs of being a secret Muslim, leading Republicans have claimed.

Nice posh people almost extinct

BRITAIN'S last remaining posh person who doesn't show off or know celebrities and lets local kids play in her maze, was close to death last night.

Scientists discover the risible excuse gene

RESEARCHERS have isolated the strand of DNA responsible for people denying responsibility for anything.