Elderly Australian man satisfied with purchase

AN Australian pensioner today declared the British government to be excellent value for money.

Pupils assure teachers they'll always think they're dicks

INDUSTRIAL action by teachers will not undermine pupils' lack of respect for them, it has been confirmed.

A guide to strike etiquette

AS the country's public servants once again challenge Britain to notice the difference, experts have issued an essential guide to national strike etiquette.

Hari defends himself during pretend Parkinson interview

CHOIR-preacher Johann Hari has dismissed claims of plagiarism during a fantasy interview where he pretended he was talking to Michael Parkinson.

Mobile phone companies step up mission to make world a better place

MOBILE phone operators have confirmed they will need more money to achieve their sole aim of bringing the whole world together.

Strike could leave airports exactly the same

TOMORROW'S public sector strike could leave UK airports exactly the same in every conceivable way, it was warned last night.

Scientists grow kebab meat on a sheep

GENETICISTS have created a sheep that produces kebab meat, it emerged last night.

Government praised for pretentious tool prevention

IMMIGRATION regulations keeping the country free of artists have been welcomed by people who are not dicks.