A SMALL number of English people are not responding correctly to football, it has emerged.
THE BBC is to put the entire Manchester district of Salford on castors and wheel it into the capital, it has emerged.
THE purchase of a camper van will not make your life meaningful or free, it has emerged.
SPERM actively enjoy alcohol and cigarettes, it has emerged.
THE opening ceremony for the Olympic games will include a pile of tractor parts and a man with large hands glaring at everyone, it has been revealed.
THE People's Republic of China has announced plans for its entire female population to become astronauts.
MOST people assumed to be internet trolls genuinely believe their hateful, demented statements, it has been claimed.
THE Church of England has announced that its new core purpose is running 'laser tag' games.