Ministers to tackle greenbelt backlash with 4m Hobbit holes

MINISTER are to tackle rising anger over new planning laws by pledging to dig more than 4m new Hobbit holes over the next 10 years.

McDonalds staff patiently explain calorie count is not price tag

STAFF at McDonalds are to spend the next three years patiently explaining that the number next to the photo of the food is the calorie count, not the price.

Police should wear uniforms in bed, say experts

POLICEMEN should go to bed fully uniformed so they can be ready to pounce at a moment's notice, it has been claimed.

Companies prefer to go bankrupt with really good-looking staff

MORE companies are opting for an incredibly attractive bankruptcy, it has emerged.

Blair to teach Murdoch's daughter how to lie

TONY Blair has pledged to school his god-daughter in the ancient ways of dishonesty.

Getting something lodged in skull still best way to get on page eight of Metro

GETTING an unusual object stuck in your facebone is still the best way of starring on page eight of Metro, it has been confirmed.

Game on, say teachers

BRITAIN'S teachers absolutely cannot wait to get cracking now physical force can go unrecorded in classrooms.

Gaddafi sets out flame-based vision for 21st century Libya

COLONEL Gaddafi has made a renewed effort to rally the Libyan people with a pledge to set everything on fire.