Gas Firms Experiment With Fuel Made From Customers' Tears

MAJOR gas suppliers are attempting to convert their customers' bitter tears of woe into an eco-friendly fuel.

Hastings Pier Symbolic Of Something

THE smouldering shell that was once Hastings Pier is almost certainly symbolic of something or other, it has been confirmed.

Is It Racist Even If You Don't Beat Them Up? Asks Cheryl

CHERYL Cole dismissed claims of racism last night, insisting it has been years since she physically attacked a black person.

Councils Begin Not Getting Enough Salt For Winter

LOCAL councils have started ordering insignificant quantities of salt in preparation for a hard winter.

Middle Class To Sell Their Children

CHILDREN across Britain are being spruced up and placed on the open market today as millions of middle class parents look to cut their losses.

Fit An Energy Meter, Says Freddy Krueger

DISFIGURED child murderer Freddy Krueger has asked householders to consider the environment or he may have to tear out their spleens, it emerged last night.

Earth-Like Planet Actually Sunderland-Like Planet

HOPES of intelligent life on planet Gliese 581g were dashed yesterday as scientists revealed it is actually a bit like Sunderland.

Only Camp 1970s Gays Should Be Allowed On TV, Says Your Dad

ABSURDLY camp 1970s-style homosexuals like John Inman and Frankie Howerd are the only ones of that sort who should be on television, your dad announced last night.