Coogan possesses Top Gear opinion

STEVE Coogan fans were dismayed last night after it emerged the actor is one of those people who has an opinion about Top Gear.

Lies about plastic surgery up 39%

LAST year saw a record increase in the number of obvious lies about embarrassing surgery scars.

New York smoking ban to halt fall in violent crime

NEW York is bidding to reverse its plummeting violent crime figures by not letting anybody smoke.

Girlfriends to get half of disgusting heap of shit in middle of floor

WOMEN should be entitled to half of their boyfriend's disgusting pile of crap in the event of a split, according to a landmark ruling.

Britain now 'angry old widower in smelly house'

BRITAIN is the angry, racist, old widower who lives in that decrepit house at the end of the street, the UN has confirmed.

Science is fanny central, claims Professor Brian Cox

TOP scientists are nailing a load of fanny, according to dance-pop physicist Brian Cox.

NHS to get fat people to hospital using trail of Wotsits

THE NHS is to improve its performance in getting fat people to hospital by deploying long trails of Wotsits.

Internet damaging children's Home and Away-watching skills

YOUNG people's obsession with the internet could spell the end for traditional pastimes like watching Home and Away, according to new research.