Some people not into football

A SMALL number of English people are not responding correctly to football, it has emerged.

BBC moving Salford to London

THE BBC is to put the entire Manchester district of Salford on castors and wheel it into the capital, it has emerged.

Camper van gives illusion of freedom

THE purchase of a camper van will not make your life meaningful or free, it has emerged.

Sperm love to party down

SPERM actively enjoy alcohol and cigarettes, it has emerged.

Dogs to be shot in Olympic stadium

THE opening ceremony for the Olympic games will include a pile of tractor parts and a man with large hands glaring at everyone, it has been revealed.

China sending 450 million women into space

THE People's Republic of China has announced plans for its entire female population to become astronauts.

88% of 'trolls' actually just morons

MOST people assumed to be internet trolls genuinely believe their hateful, demented statements, it has been claimed.

Church pins hopes on Quasar

THE Church of England has announced that its new core purpose is running 'laser tag' games.