Toyota Urged To Leave Sting's Prius Alone

TOYOTA was last night urged to fix the brakes on more than 250,000 Prius hybrids as quickly as possible, except Sting's.

Mobile Phones Now Cleverer Than Teenagers

MOST mobile phones are now more intelligent than their teenage owners, it emerged last night.

Bin Laden Deserves A Hefty Fine, Says Cherie Blair

OSAMA Bin Laden would find himself at the sharp end of a £200 fine if he was tried in a British court, Cherie Blair said last night.

BBC To Offer More Crone-Based Programming

HAGS and crones will take centre stage in the BBC's spring schedule as the corporation announces a big increase in witch-themed programming.

Cab Drivers Install Signs Confirming They Speak Racist

TAXI drivers in Southampton have installed signs reassuring passengers they speak nasty, ill-informed horseshit.

Fairytale Comes True As Skank Marries Cage Fighter

IT is every little girl's dream - to carve out a career as a fake-breasted, professional skank and then marry her perfect cage fighter in a Las Vegas casino.

Trees Will Not Become Unstoppable Killing Machines, Admit Climate Scientists

TREES will not uproot themselves and embark on blood-soaked killing sprees by 2035, global warming experts have admitted.

Heathrow Staff To Giggle At Your Tiny Penis

SECURITY staff at Heathrow airport are today preparing to snigger uncontrollably at your small, sad penis.