News

Fairytale romances now include philandering

TIMELESS love stories can now begin with extra-marital boning, it has been confirmed.

Tories promise to use next lot of Trident missiles

THE Tories have pledged to spend £100bn on a new batch of nuclear weapons and use them.

Unlikeable colleague wants to come to the pub

WORKERS have been left in turmoil after the least pleasant person in their office expressed interest in joining them for a drink.

Aldi and Waitrose like Batman and the Joker

SWORN adversaries Aldi and Waitrose need each other on some weird level, it has been claimed.

ISIS punishments a tad lenient, say Mail readers

READERS of the Daily Mail have declared ISIS’s stance on crime and sex to be disappointingly soft.

96 per cent of enthusiasm fake

INDIVIDUALS who claim to be enthusiastic actually just like hearing themselves speak.

‘Retweet with comment’ allows moral crusaders more time for porn

TWITTER'S new 'retweet with comment' feature has made feigning concern quicker, so that users can get back to looking at pornography.

Teletubbies to return with dead one just lying on the floor

CHILDREN’S TV hit Teletubbies is to return, featuring the dead body of Tinky Winky which is ignored by his former friends.