MI5 Headquarters 'In A Right State'

A FAILURE to recruit female operatives has led to MI5's offices becoming a complete tip, it emerged last night.

Search Continues For Top Of Gordon Ramsay's Head

FRIENDS and colleagues of celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay are today continuing their search for the top of his head.

John Barnes Crowned God Of 'Nuts'

FORMER England striker John Barnes has been accorded the status 'God of Nuts' after missing his son's birth to do a football thing.

Next Series Of Downton Abbey To Include Phone Voting

ITV bosses will build on the success of Downton Abbey by using public phone votes to decide who gets killed in the Great War.

Bush Explains Upside Of Torture, Mass Death And Bankruptcy

GEORGE W Bush has defended his presidency insisting history will wait until he is dead before admitting that mass killing and bankruptcy are excellent.

Rail Passengers To Squeeze Inside Each Other's Bums

RAIL passengers will be forced to spend their daily commute squeezed into the body cavities of other people, it has been confirmed.

Queen To Spend Three Days A Week Blocking Facebook Arseholes

THE Queen will be forced to spend up to three days a week blocking arseholes who leave comments on her Facebook page.

Villagers Demand Return Of Flaccid, Old School Nudists

A FRENCH village plagued by an influx of copulating naturists is campaigning for the return of overweight, erection-free volley ball players.