First Alien Contact To Be Dirty Phone Message

MANKIND'S introduction to extra-terrestrial life will be a series of lewd, unprovoked insults from Jonathan Ross.

Humans Do Not Breed, Say Experts

HUMAN reproduction is invariably based on love and a deep longing to create something unique and beautiful, it was confirmed last night.

Duncan Smith Backs Retirement Brothels

BRITISH workers face spending their twilight years in peaceful, neon-lit retirement brothels.

Palin Targets Fish

SARAH Palin has pledged a campaign of systematic fish genocide in a bid to stop marine life forms spreading lies about evolution.

Letting Agents To Out-Bastard Estate Agents

WITH the rental sector booming, letting agents are set to topple estate agents as Britain's leading bunch of tick-like scumbags.

Mortified Police Deny Being Injured By Ponces

OFFICERS policing yesterday's student demonstrations have returned to work with serious injuries rather than admit they were hurt by some ponce called Ollie.

Britain Trapped Under Two Feet Of Global Warming Bullshit

BRITAIN ground to a standstill today after the heaviest November global warming bullshit in more than a decade.

Queen Celebrates Role As Defender Of The Meh

DEFENDING Britain's half-arsed interest in God and stuff is the sovereign's most important role, the Queen said yesterday.