Say 'Nutjob' Not 'Daily Mail Reader', Says Minister

HEALTH professionals should tell patients they are 'nutjobs' rather than 'Daily Mail readers', the public health minister has claimed.

Muslim Women 'Must Dress Like Top Gear Presenters'

BRITISH Muslim women should trade their Burkas for the jeans, blazers and incongruous hair favoured by the hosts of Top Gear, it was claimed last night.

Retirement Plan Welcomed By Demented, Half-Blind 84 Year-Old Heart Surgeon

BRITAIN'S craziest, half-blind, octogenarian heart surgeon was looking forward to returning to work last night after the government abolished retirement.

24-Hour Drinking Would Have Worked If Britain Wasn't Dreadful, Say Experts

BRITAIN'S experiment with 24-hour drinking would have succeeded if the country was not filled to the brim with the worst people in the world, it was claimed last night.

Face Transplant Man Warned Against Over-Confidence

FRIENDS of face transplant man Tom Logan last night warned that his plans for a massive sex binge may be a tad optimistic.


British Gas Calls For Increase In State Pension

THOUSANDS of old people are still dying from hypothermia because the price of gas is too high, British Gas has claimed.

Some People Getting The Broadband Speed They Pay For

A FEW people in Britain are still getting the broadband speed that was in the advert, according to new research.

Danny Dyer, Says Culture Secretary

THE closure of the UK Film Council is a largely Danny Dyer-based decision, the culture secretary confirmed last night