IOS5 ends Steve Jobs tributes

APPLE idolaters have decided that they don’t miss Steve Jobs quite as much as they thought after their phones started exploding.

NHS to focus on young, healthy people

THE National Health Service is to save up to £30 a year by specialising in asking 25 year-old gym teachers if they're feeling okay.

Embattled nation unites against Christmas

BRITAIN is putting aside its woes and working together in a bid to stop Christmas.

Equal rights victory as first-born girls allowed to become unelected head of state

EQUAL rights campaigners are celebrating after the government said the monarch's first born daughter should get to be automatically better than you.

Blackberry to explain why world still turning

THE manufacturers of the Blackberry will today be asked to explain why the Planet Earth still exists.

But I was wearing tights, says violent criminal

US vigilante Phoenix Jones has had his costume-based appeal for leniency rejected.

Most people still think organs might be handy after death

THE majority of potential organ donors would prefer to keep hold of their body parts until they are fully decomposed, just in case.

Portas to destroy every high street with her brain

THE Portas Inquiry into Britain's high streets will close every shop in the country because Mary Portas is such an utter moron, it has emerged.