Factory blaze caused by stupid bloody Chinese lantern thing

A MASSIVE factory fire was caused by one of those monstrously fucking stupid Chinese lanterns, it has been confirmed.

Non-baby news events crunched into this week

JULY'S news events will all take place this week to clear media space for the Royal birth.

Happiness linked to being on MDMA

A GLOBAL study of human happiness has found that the single biggest factor is whether you are on MDMA.

Tramps can't afford Springsteen tickets

BRITAIN'S tramps are in uproar after being priced out of Bruce Springsteen's current tour.

Cameron fears Snapchat will be used for sex riots

DAVID Cameron has warned that a controversial messaging service could trigger a wave of violent frotting.

Everyone at Glastonbury wishing they were dead

GLASTONBURY optimism and pursuit of ‘the vibe’ has been replaced with dead-eyed ennui, it has been confirmed.

Children with three parents allowed to adapt Larkin poem

CHILDREN born using three-person IVF will be allowed to quote an adapted version of Philip Larkin's This Be the Verse.