Being left alone for five f*cking minutes now an impossibility

ANNOYING bastards are going to be constantly pestering you, thanks to electronic things.

Steampunk weapons useless against fists

PRETEND ‘Steampunk’ weapons are less effective than fists, a fight has revealed.

Waitrose top for organic vegetables, customer service and milfs

WAITROSE is the best supermarket for fresh produce and highly attractive middle-aged women, it has been claimed.

Fury as allotment gardeners discover vegetables can be bought in shops

PEOPLE with allotments are reeling from the news that vegetables can be bought with cash.

Grandchildren threaten to withdraw their love

GRANCHILDREN have threatened to withhold their affection if elderly benefits are handed back to Iain Duncan Smith.

Free pint if you can eat a portion of the Earth's core

BRITISH scientists are offering a free pint of lager to anyone who can eat a plateful of the Earth's core.

Brains of UKIP members 'hacked'

BRAINS belonging to members of UKIP have been hacked causing them to go mental.