News

Andrew Lansley to watch you while you sleep

HEALTH secretary Andrew Lansley is to sit next to hospital patients, looking at them while they sleep.

Most churchgoers just there to steal copper off the roof

MORE people are visiting churches to steal metal than to worship, it has emerged.

Britain prepared to forgive Grant for his films

HUGH Grant could be forgiven for his entire career if he carries on like this, experts have claimed.

High pay report calls for piss to be directed at wind

A REPORT into executive pay has called for a radical reform of how wind is combined with piss.

Housing market is pretty much all we have left, admits Cameron

THE government is to boost the housing market because there really isn't anything else to do, it has been confirmed.

Scientists warn of fog metaphors

EXPERTS have warned the dense fog over greater London will be used as a metaphor.

Arabic word for 'spring' is same as Arabic word for 'tear gas'

THE 'Arab Spring' is a mistranslation, it has emerged.

Elderly parents reveal plan to buy shit computer

YOUR ageing parents are planning to get themselves a 'computer with the internet' this Christmas, in a move that will ruin your life.