Tesco To Sandwichalise Anything

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is offering a sandwichalisation service, giving customers the chance to place any form of matter between two slices of bread.

O'Leary Apologises To Leprechauns For Stealing Their Gold

RYANAIR chief executive Michael O'Leary has asked the little people of Ireland to forgive him for stealing their precious gold.

Pope Says Child Abuse The Same As Using The Wrong Cutlery

SEXUALLY abusing a child is as sinful as eating soup with a dessert spoon, Pope Benedict confirmed last night.

Alvin Rejoins The Chipmunks

ONE of the biggest pop success stories of the last 20 years is set to storm the charts again after Alvin agreed to rejoin the Chipmunks.

Graduates Who Earn More To Be Taxed For Turning Up To Lectures

A NEW graduate tax will see those bothered to turn up, get a good degree and a lucrative career pay a higher rate than the likes of you.

Starving Africans Looking Forward To Live Aid Drama

MALNOURISHED people across Africa have vowed to crawl to their nearest television to watch the BBC's dramatisation of Live Aid.

You Owe Us A Total Ride, Men Tell Home Office

IF the Home Office has even a shred of decency left it will immediately replace Anna Chapman with something of comparable humpability, Britain's men said last night.

Jolie Continuing To Promote Peace Through Ultra-Violent Action Films

ANGELINA Jolie last night urged movie-goers to be inspired by the pacifist message of her new film Unrelenting Gun Death II: So Much Blood.