BRITAIN told its mother to get the hell out of its house today after 24 hours of Machiavellian psycho-terror.
In this comfortingly plausible account, THE DAILY MASH imagines the day the Mail invaded the Falklands.
ABBEY Clancy and Peter Crouch were today devastated by the thought of a thief opening all their vulgar, over-priced Christmas gifts.
A HEART-BREAKING song by the wives of Britain's journalists remains resolutely unbought, it has been confirmed.
UNDERGROUND train-monkeys are hoping their Boxing Day strike will make them more nauseatingly abhorrent than professional footballers.
ARCHAEOLOGISTS working in the Amazon basin have found the remains of a crude car made from dinosaur bones, with stone cylinders for wheels.
CNN last night said it had no recollection of who removed Piers Morgan's name from his designated parking space.
NINETEEN women are in custody after the Salisbury branch of Starbucks was destroyed in Britain's biggest milf brawl.