'Bully' not the same as 'twat', celebrities told

CELEBRITIES are to have the meaning of the word 'bully' explained to them, in a bid to stop it becoming utterly meaningless.

Jazzy Jeff's 'Summertime' sounding like a piss take

THE classic hip hop track Summertime, which celebrates seasonal sunshine and happiness, is sounding like a cruel joke to UK radio listeners.

Water vole has a massive go at heron

WATER voles are no longer taking shit off predators, it has emerged.

Increasingly debauched jubilee celebrations enter second week

BRITAIN has been warned to wind down its jubilee partying, with many celebrants now having been seven nights without sleep.

LinkedIn hack 'an anti-prick hate crime'

THE theft of passwords from networking site LinkedIn is a direct attack on the world's prick and douchebag communities, it has been claimed.

Shakespeare’s first theatre ‘mainly porno’

WILLIAM Shakespeare’s first theatre offered mainly low-budget hardcore sex plays, it has emerged.

Sober Britons risk dangerous levels of clarity

DOCTORS have warned that millions of sober people are unprepared for the full horror of modern Britain.

Royals back at their shit office jobs

MEMBERS of the royal family are gutted to be back at their desks after a four-day break, it has emerged.