'Get out of my house, you monster' Britain tells mother

BRITAIN told its mother to get the hell out of its house today after 24 hours of Machiavellian psycho-terror.

Paul Dacre institutionalised, 600 of his journalists on medication...

In this comfortingly plausible account, THE DAILY MASH imagines the day the Mail invaded the Falklands.

Thief gets to open Abbey Clancy's ghastly Christmas presents

ABBEY Clancy and Peter Crouch were today devastated by the thought of a thief opening all their vulgar, over-priced Christmas gifts.

Journalists' Wives single remains unbought

A HEART-BREAKING song by the wives of Britain's journalists remains resolutely unbought, it has been confirmed.

Tube drivers in fresh bid to become more hated than footballers

UNDERGROUND train-monkeys are hoping their Boxing Day strike will make them more nauseatingly abhorrent than professional footballers.

Scientists find car made of dinosaur bones

ARCHAEOLOGISTS working in the Amazon basin have found the remains of a crude car made from dinosaur bones, with stone cylinders for wheels.

CNN 'can't remember' who gave away Piers Morgan's parking space

CNN last night said it had no recollection of who removed Piers Morgan's name from his designated parking space.

Starbucks trashed in pre-Christmas milf brawl

NINETEEN women are in custody after the Salisbury branch of Starbucks was destroyed in Britain's biggest milf brawl.