Lohan Still Looking Pretty Good For All The Drugs, Doctors Have To Admit

TROUBLED actress Lindsay Lohan is still highly do-able despite all the drugs, doctors have conceded.

Council To Outsource Lazy, Belligerent Arseholes

SUFFOLK Council is to put 9,000 of its malingering, overpaid functions out to private tender.

UK Police Holding Out For A Hero

UK police chiefs have decided that if they let crime get bad enough some sort of masked hero is bound to intervene.

Ahmadinejad Repels Un Using Courgette

THE president of Iran last night fought off an angry United Nations General Assembly using nothing but a medium sized courgette.

I Would Only Use Adidas Prostitutes, Says Beckham

DAVID Beckham has angrily denied claims he slept with a prostitute insisting he could only ever be unfaithful to his wife with a contractually branded tart.

BBC May Be Forced To Shoot Chris Moyles

THE BBC has warned that if Chris Moyles keeps coming to work, they may be forced to shoot him.

ITV Launch 'You've Been A Shit'

ITV is to refresh its Saturday night schedules with the motiveless abuse show You've Been A Shit.

Witches Voice Frustration At 'Dabblers'

PEOPLE dabbling in the occult need to show more dedication if they are to succeed at 'the craft', according to top coven leaders.