Do '45 Minutes', Fans Tell Blair

FANS of Tony Blair are today looking forward to a selection of his greatest hits, including Saddam Hussein Was a Horrible Man and the classic show-stopper 45 Minutes.

Endangered Boyles Hunted For Vocal Cords

NATURALISTS have warned that there are less than 50 Susan Boyles left in the Scottish rainforests, as they continue to be hunted for their prized vocal cords.

Shiny Thing Make It All Better

NEW shiny thing make everything all better, say clever science man yesterday.

New Book Confirms Pope John Paul II Must Have Wanked A Lot

POPE John Paul II must have spent a huge amount of time masturbating in his bedroom, according to a new book.

France To Ban Spiderman

FRANCE has pledged to ban Spiderman unless he reveals his secret identity, it emerged last night.

Government To Tackle Child Poverty With Fabulous New Production Of 'Oliver!'

THE government is to lift 300,000 London children out of severe poverty by staging the world's biggest production of Oliver!.

Hear'Say Reform As Vigilante Group

FORMER pop sensations Hear'say have reunited to dish out brutal street-style justice to Britain's hardest thugs.

UK Economy Grows By Fifteen Pence

BRITAIN emerged from recession today as the economy grew by 15p.