EVERYONE will have to defecate into a bucket and present their stools for examination under government plans for a database of every bowel movement in Britain.
RUSSIAN billionaire Roman Abramovich has paid £2 million for the great big fat woman in the painting by Lucien Freud he bought last week.
SARAH Ferguson yesterday defended her eldest daughter insisting Princess Beatrice has developed an absolutely corking set of knockers.
SCIENTISTS who invented the world's most powerful laser have used it to draw a giant penis on the front of the moon.
BRITAIN'S spies are demanding a 25% pay increase to prevent their wives having to work as whores.
THE Queen has told newly married grandson Peter Philips to hand over at least 10% of his £500,000 fee from Hello! magazine.
THE family of a murdered coconut last night urged the police to do everything in their power to catch their son's killer.
GIRLY crime was up by more than 50% last year, including a sharp rise in thefts of those darling little Mini Cooper convertibles.