News

Everything to be given to Richard Branson

ALL remaining public assets are to be transferred to Richard Branson to see what he does with them.

Vinyl enthusiasts asked why they don’t just f**king marry it

MEN who love vinyl records have been told to just f**king marry them and live happily ever after.

Woman in bestial shopping frenzy pauses briefly to enjoy moment

A BLACK Friday shopper has stopped hitting a pensioner in the face so she can take in the atmosphere.

Man still hoping he can turn life around before Christmas dinner

AN unemployed, single and homeless man is racing against time to sort his life out before seeing his relatives for Christmas.

Boycott chicken completely, say pecky food scientists

PUBLIC health officials have advised the public to stop eating chicken while pecking the microphone and squawking intermittently.

Scotland commission unveils hideously deformed camel

THE commission on new powers for Scotland has unveiled a camel with nine legs, seven humps and 13 buttocks.

Jurassic World tells story of enjoyable day out at safety-conscious dinosaur park

THE new Jurassic Park sequel features no peril because of improved health and safety at the dinosaur park.

Bristol fog smells suspiciously of skunk

THE ‘fog’ currently enveloping Bristol has a strong aroma of cannabis, it has been claimed.