News

Statutory rights affected

A MAN has forfeited his basic human rights after returning a dented can of baked beans.

White van men confirmed as rightful kings of universe

WHITE van drivers are the fulcrum upon which the world turns, it has been confirmed.

New law to link hackers with stock photos of hackers

POLICE are to get new powers to link computer hacking suspects with the shadowy, menacing figures seen in stock images.

Steampunk goggles made available on the NHS

STEAMPUNKS have won their battle for free quasi-Victorian corrective eyewear.

64 per cent of Britons harbouring secret pro-Christmas views

MILLIONS of Britons secretly enjoy Christmas and are actively looking forward to it.

Loch Ness Monster sighting was just branch wearing Tam o’ Shanter

EXPERTS have dismissed recent sightings of the Loch Ness Monster as nothing more than floating wood wearing a tartan bonnet.

St George’s Cross house is workers' cooperative

THE  Rochester house covered in England flags is a Marxist commune, it has emerged.

Dyson told to invent a toaster that’s not a heap of shit

JAMES Dyson has been told to shut up and invent a toaster that is not a useless bag of piss.