News

Celebrities you like all dying because you’re getting old, say experts

THE recent spate of celebrity deaths is because you, and all the famous people you like, are getting really old, experts have confirmed.

Man is being arbitrarily detained at Argos, UN rules

A MAN who has been waiting for his Argos purchase for more than 15 minutes is being arbitrarily detained in violation of his human rights, the UN has ruled.

Inflation ‘stable’ if you don’t include stuff that actually matters

INFLATION remains stable as long as you ignore all the things that have gone up enormously, experts have confirmed.

Facebook ‘Friends Day’ breeds nothing but renewed contempt

FACEBOOK’S celebration of friendship has led to a surge in bitter hatred.

Open mic night ruined by every single performer

AN open mic night in a pub has been ruined by every single person who performed at it.

Happiest places in UK are almost not in it

THE happiest places in the UK are on the verge of not being in it, it has emerged.

Look what came out of my fanny, says Facebook mum

MOTHERS on Facebook have been sharing pictures of the porky little things that came out of their fannies.

Boy wants to be police senior management when he grows up

A FIVE-YEAR-OLD has explained how he wants to be a policeman who sits in a large office coming up with initiatives like ‘crime reduction partnerships’.