Boss demands complete professionalism from everyone except himself

A MANAGER who requires staff to be completely professional sees no contradiction in buggering off to take his car to the garage, it has emerged.

Detox doing bugger all

A 43-YEAR-OLD man doing a detox to feel better has admitted that, 11 days in, it appears to be doing absolutely fuck all.

How to accept you’re a Radio 2 listener now

Move your hips from side-to-side in a pathetic mockery of dancing when Snap! is played while you’re doing the gardening or clearing out the shed.

Make plastic bags a quid and give us the money, say turtles

TURTLES have told the government to stop messing around, raise the plastic bag charge to £1 and send the cash straight to them.

Red-faced old men demand army adverts aimed at them

OVERWEIGHT middle-aged men who the army could not use even to soak up bullets have demanded recruitment ads be aimed directly at them. 

French Mountain covered in arseholes

A FRENCH mountain is covered in snow and smug, excitable arseholes, it has emerged. 

The Mash guide to Prince Harry's stag night

6AM: Meet in car park of Morrison’s, Cromwell Road to catch minibus. Sambuca shots.

Woman doing make-up on train getting disapproving looks from man scratching his balls

A WOMAN applying make-up on a train is receiving moody stares from a man who has been scratching his balls throughout the journey.