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Your unbelievably bleak consumerist festival guide

YOUR shallow, self-absorbed and unhappy guide to attending a profit-led music festival.

Man at party refuses to acknowledge he drank out of can that was being used as ashtray 


A MAN has tried to just play it cool after drinking from a can that had been used as an ashtray.

Woman becomes middle class after eating crisps from a bowl

A WOMAN has unveiled her new middle class status by eating crisps from a bowl.

'Did you see me in space?' asks Tim Peake

BRITISH astronaut Tim Peake is excitably asking if everyone saw him when he was in space because that is where he was.

Father asks for cash value of Father’s Day present

A FATHER-OF-TWO has told his children that instead of a novelty tie or beer mug he would prefer the cash equivalent this Father’s Day.

London commuter plans to return to city at weekend

A REGULAR commuter to central London has outraged her partner by planning to return to the city tomorrow for leisure purposes.

Sonic the Hedgehog mortified as co-workers discover his past

THE moment Sonic The Hedgehog has dreaded finally came yesterday when office colleagues discovered who he used to be.

Man resigns himself to having to date Taylor Swift

A 28-YEAR-OLD British man has resigned himself to the inevitability of a relationship with Taylor Swift.