News

Movie franchises to continue until end of universe

SCI-FI film franchises will continue for thousands of years after every person currently living has passed away, Hollywood has confirmed.

Jon Snow doing crack for ‘this other TV thing’

NEWSREADER Jon Snow has told friends that he has become a crack addict for a documentary, despite not appearing to be followed by cameras.

Hairy-backed men return to forests

MEN with hairy backs have given up trying to fit into civilisation and gone back to the woods from whence they came.

But who was minding the caff? ask EastEnders viewers

EASTENDERS has revealed who killed Lucy Beale without answering the crucial question of who was looking after the cafe at the time.

Greece repaid debts ‘ages ago’

GREEK finance minister Yanis Varoufakis has expressed astonishment that the EU is still asking for money his country gave back in the pub weeks ago.

‘Vibrant’ restaurant actually just a living hell

A RESTAURANT noted for its ‘vibrant’ and ‘bustling’ atmosphere is really just a wretched hellhole of noise and heat, it has emerged.

Bigotry not a legitimate thing to be proud of

HAVING a racist attitude is not something you can reasonably boast about, it has been confirmed.

Obsolete drivers ‘will need new outlets for angry self-pity’

THE era of the driverless car means people will have to find other ways of venting their selfish, red-faced fury, it has been claimed.