News

Weather reassures parents it will be shit again for the holidays

THE UK’s weather has reassured anxious parents it will return to raining solidly for their upcoming fortnight away.

Supermarket accidentally stocks proper book

A SUPERMARKET chain has apologised after exposing its customers to a book that was not an action thriller or idiotic historical romance.

‘No, I am not in the f**king garden,’ says home worker

A MAN who works from home has reiterated for the eighth time today that he is not sitting in the garden.  

Heatwave sees huge rise in whingeing gits

THE heatwave currently hitting Britain has led to a huge rise in people moaning about it.

Trident ‘only effective against Labour party’

TRIDENT is useless apart from making the Labour party look like pacifist weirdoes, one of Britain’s top generals has warned.

Britain almost starting to feel pity for Kelvin McKenzie

BRITAIN is almost at the stage where it could imagine feeling pity instead of visceral loathing for Kelvin McKenzie.

Most ‘banter’ actually just people talking shit

THE vast majority of the UK’s ‘banter’ fails to meet basic levels of pithiness, experts have revealed.

May to purge Britain of people who steal toilet paper from work 


THERESA May has launched a brutal crackdown on people who steal toilet rolls from their employers.