Blumenthal Pudding Adds Tedious New Conversation Piece To Christmas

HESTON Blumenthal's Christmas pudding is set to be an achingly dull talking point at this season's least interesting dinner tables.

Council Estates Quarantined As Cheryl Link Confirmed

BRITAIN'S council estates have been cordoned-off after they were linked to the creation of Cheryl Cole.

Crack Open The Trollops, Decrees Pope

POPE Benedict has paved the way for a new Christian festival, to be named 'Skankmas'.

Apprentice Contestants To Run Irish Economy

SIR Alan Sugar is to task the remaining Apprentice contestants with making Ireland's economy less cock-shaped.

Lazy, Working Class Ufo Sighted Over Midlands

EXTRA-terrestrials are reaching out to the idle working class after a craft shaped like a high-fat snack was sighted over Dudley.

Airport Scanner Pics Disappoint Masturbators

THESE airport x-ray images that were supposed to show full-frontal nudity are very disappointing, creepy masturbators said last night.


William Has Constitutional Duty To Spend £80m On A Party, Say Experts

PRINCE William will be barred from the throne unless he spends at least £80m on his wedding, constitutional experts have confirmed.

Grandparents Secretly Starting To Hate The Little Shits

GRANDPARENTS are finding their kindly exterior increasingly difficult to maintain, it has emerged.