Pope To See Where It All Didn't Happen

POPE Benedict will today visit the scenes of the made-up stories that form the basis of his crazy, voodoo religion.

Large breasted women get it all their own way again

WOMEN with huge bazongas were last night getting it all their own way, yet again.  

Banks To Close For One Week A Month, Says Harman

BRITAIN'S biggest banks will be forced to close for a few days roughly every four weeks, under new government proposals.

Bono To Create Black Hole Of Awfulness

NATO was on full alert last night after pop-shouter Bono threatened to read a 14-minute poem about Elvis on Radio Four.

Git Named

THIS year's Git has been confirmed as 34 year-old Ben Southall from Hampshire.

Government's 'Banned List' Makes Everything All Better

THE government's decision to ban some foreign people with unpleasant views has made everyone incredibly nice, it was confirmed today.

Vauxhalls Not Quite Rusty Enough, Says Fiat

ITALIAN car maker Fiat has unveiled plans to take over Vaxuhall, insisting the British-made cars are still not quite rusty and unreliable enough.

Survivors To Enjoy Glorious Summer, Says Met Office

BRITAIN'S small band of pork flu survivors can look forward to a hot, dry summer, the Met Office confirmed last night.