Victoria Line filled with people who feel like liquid concrete

LONDON’S Victoria tube line is once again full of people whose lives are solidifying slowly into a large grey slab.

Bieber exporters ban sugary, chemical-filled concoction

THE country which exports Bieber has banned an artificially sweetened concoction filled with mood-altering chemicals.

Citizen's arrest 'only works in The Dukes of Hazzard'

THE 'citizen's arrest' is just a plot device from 80s TV series The Dukes of Hazzard, it has emerged.

Broadband providers push 'slow internet' movement

SLOW internet speeds promote mindfulness and a love of nature, according to leading broadband companies.

Facebook exodus begins

YOUNG people have begun leaving Facebook in the hope of finding a better virtual life elsewhere.

Low crime rates mean benefits too high, say confused right-wingers

CRIME will continue to fall as long as benefits remain too generous, according to right-wingers who don’t know what they want anymore.

Devon launches 'Absolutely crawling with beaver' tourism campaign

DEVON is promoting itself as the top holiday destination for lovers of beaver.

Police to tackle ‘concerted indiscipline’ with ‘concerted hydration’

THE police could soon deploy maximised hydration techniques to stop concerted indiscipline by Britain’s social stakeholders.