Almost Half Promise To Find Out Where Afghanistan Is

MORE people know where Afghanistan is compared to three years ago while thousands more have promised to look it up on Google, according to a new poll.

Swine Flu Slowly Catching Up With Diarrhoea And Hiccups

THE number of cases of swine flu could catch up with the number of cases of hiccups and diarrhoea, given 10-12 years, doctors have claimed.

News Of The World Readers Could Not Care Less

NEWS of the World readers have no interest in how the paper gets its celebrity sex stories, as long as it gets them, it was confirmed last night.

New Emergency Number For Halfwits

THE department of health last night unveiled a non-emergency alternative to 999 for the thousands of people who call in everyday to say their leg feels funny.

Sarah Palin Summons Forces Of Evil

WHILE the world isn't looking, Sarah Palin has summoned an army of goblins, trolls and giant insects to her Alaskan fortress of evil.

MI6 'Outsourcing Torture To Indian Call Centre'

THE security services have opened a 24-hour torture centre staffed by low-wage Indian workers, it was claimed last night.

New Rubik Ball Offers Viable Alternative To Human Contact

THE new Rubik's puzzle can provide a healthy alternative to a sexual relationship and is definitely not a fetish for OCD social misfits, its inventor said last night.

RAC Calls For Ban On Clamping Drivers Who Ignore No-Parking Signs

CLAMPING someone who sees a no-parking sign and then blatantly ignores it is a breach of their human rights, the RAC has claimed.