Why Are All The Pubs Closing? Ask People Who Never Go To The Pub

MILLIONS of people across Britain who never go to the pub were last night asking why all the pubs were closing down.

Someone Claiming To Be Me Has Been Saying It’s All Your Fault, Brown Tells America

GORDON Brown yesterday told America that someone has been going around blaming them for the global economic collapse and using his name.

Britney May As Well Be A Corpse Puppet, Say Fans

BRITNEY Spears kicked off her first major tour in five years with a larynx-free performance that was no better than a dancing corpse puppet, angry fans said last night.

BT Delighted With Latest Monopoly

REGULATORS have given BT the go-ahead to set up a new super-fast broadband network and then charge rivals as much as it bloody well feels like to use it.

Injecting Foul Smelling Gas Directly Into Your Penis Will Improve Sex Life, Say Experts

INJECTING the foul stench of rotten eggs directly into your flaccid penis will soon replace Viagra as the world's leading treatment for erectile dysfunction, scientists claimed last night.

Obama Obviously Has A New Watch, Says Brown

PRESIDENT Obama clearly has a new watch and is fascinated with it, Gordon Brown revealed last night.

Make Goodwin Give Back His Pension, Brown Tells Obama

GORDON Brown will today ask Barak Obama to make that horrid Fred Goodwin give his pension back.

Scientists To Continue Stem-Cell Research Purely To Annoy Christians

LEADING scientists last night rejected a new 'ethical' stem cell technique insisting it would do nothing to annoy fundamentalist Christians.