News

Denmark kicks your grandmother in the face

DENMARK may as well have kicked your lovely old grandmother right in the teeth, it emerged last night.

Obama thanks Queen for imperialist, ceremonial bullshit

PRESIDENT Obama last night thanked the Queen for laying on the sort of ceremonial bullshit that harks back to the empire that crushed his beautiful African ancestors.

God sues Jordan for playing him

LORD God Almighty has filed a £6m lawsuit against inflatable glamour model Jordan for bringing his name into disrepute.

Wire star's new crime series to use realistic West Country dialect

A NEW HBO-style cop drama starring Dominic West will introduce phrases like ''ow bist' and 'gert lush' to Guardian readers.

Footballer had sex

A PROFESSIONAL footballer did it with some dolly bird, it has been confirmed.

Lawyers to offer cut price super-injunctions

LAWYERS have been forced to cut the price of super-injunctions by up to 75 per cent after it emerged they do not really work.

Biblical apocalypse leaves much of Britain unchanged

THE End of Days has brought death, demons and pestilence to the planet, leaving many mid-sized UK towns the same or slightly better.

Britain's skies unprepared for massive volcanic cloud AGAIN

DAVID Cameron has pledged a full-scale inquiry as it emerged that British airspace is unable to deal with an enormous volcanic cloud for the second year in a row.