Katona Sex Tape 'Kills All Who See It'

EVERYONE who has watched the Kerry Katona sex tape has died mysteriously within a week, it was claimed yesterday.

Miss Cornwall Stripped Of His Title

THE winner of the Miss Cornwall beauty contest has been stripped of the title after he turned out to be from Devon.

Unemployed Told To Climb Down Rabbit Hole To Magical Land Of Jobs

THE unemployed are to be relocated to a magical land full of talking animals and cute, furry jobs, the government has confirmed.

Apple Forgot To Hold iPhone Before Putting It In The Shops

APPLE has admitted it forgot to check its new mobile phone worked before shipping millions of them to stores around the globe.

Retirement Age Raised To Five Years After You Die

PEOPLE will be expected to work for a minimum of five years as a zombie under new government plans to raise the retirement age.

Alexa Chung To Be New Face Of Chitlins

MODEL and TV presenter Alexa Chung is to become the face of boiled pigs' intestines, it was announced last night.

Children Demand Bionic Cats

THOUSANDS of children across the UK have told their parents to buy them a bionic cat, or upgrade their existing cat to bionic status.

Belgium Faked Humanitarian Crisis To Meet Angelina Jolie

THE people of Belgium faked the destruction of their country in a bid to meet Angelina Jolie, it has emerged.