Oh go on, just resign, Guardian tells Cameron

THE Guardian last night told David Cameron that they really thought he would have resigned by now.

Everyone agrees to blame Osborne

BRITAIN last night backed Rebekah Brooks and agreed that this is all the fault of George Osborne.

Postmen leaving increasingly passive-aggressive notes

ROYAL Mail 'while you were out' notes are developing a snide undercurrent, it has emerged.

Britain wakes up to find hospitals missing

BRITAIN'S hospitals have been replaced by massive holes in the ground, it has emerged.

Murdochs know far less about News International than you do

YOU know considerably more about News International than Rupert Murdoch and his son James, it has been confirmed.

Army to recruit people who are too mental to be in the army

PEOPLE like your crazy neighbour with all the replica weapons are to be allowed into the army as part of a cost-cutting initiative, it has emerged.

Daily Mail hacks into the voices in my head, says Dacre

THE Daily Mail has only ever hacked into the voices inside Paul Dacre's head, the paper's editor confirmed yesterday.

Are you scared yet?

BRITAIN spent last night staring at the ceiling with its duvet clutched tightly under its chin.