We Will Never Judge You, Says Greggs

GREGGS the baker last night assured its customers it would never ever judge them.

Tories To Raise Mildly Racist, Caravan-Owning Bastard Age

THE Tories have pledged to raise the age at which you suddenly turn into a racist caravan owner who is unable to drive faster than 38mph in a 60mph zone.

Half A Million Benefit Cheats Throw Themselves Down The Stairs

A CONSERVATIVE plan to cut the number of people on incapacity benefit was in tatters today as 500,000 people threw themselves down a staircase.

Should Britain's Ethnic Minorities Have Their Own TV Dance Contests?

THERE were renewed calls last night for Britain's ethnic minorities to have their own celebrity dancing competitions.

Violent Criminals Blame Chewits

SOME of Britain's most violent crimes have been caused by Chewits, according to a new study.

Johnson And Windsor In Wig Sharing Deal

LONDON mayor Boris Johnson has entered into an historic wig-sharing agreement with Eastenders actress Barbara Windsor.

Google Launches Collaborative Self-Pleasuring Tool

SEARCH engine giant Google has opened trials of GoogleFrot, a new application designed to create a global network of simultaneous groin-rubbing.

New Calls For All-Clown Space Station

THERE were fresh demands last night for the rest of the world's clowns to be fired into orbit immediately.