AHA ha ha ha ha ha ha, aha ha ha, aha ha ha ha ha, former Royal Bank of Scotland chief executive Sir Fred Goodwin said last night.
THE National Health Service is to start using staples for everything, doctors confirmed last night.
POPULAR music is to remain precisely as it is for ever and ever after Oasis were named best band at last night's NME awards.
SOCIAL networking sites like Facebook and Bebo are infantalising the human brain and encouraging instant gratification, short attention spans and ooh, look, a funny cat picture.
GAIL Trimble, the University Challenge juggernaut, is to be burnt as a witch, it has been confirmed.
POLICE forces across the UK are looking forward to cracking dozens of middle class skulls this summer, a senior officer said yesterday.