New Fathers Reluctant To Spend Time With Constantly Screeching Bag Of Shit

NEW fathers are failing to use their legal entitlement to paternity leave because they do not want to spend all day with a noisy shit fountain, according to new research.

Gay Bike Will Help Children Learn To Fight

THE Gaytrack 400, the gayest-looking boys' bike ever, will help children to gain valuable self-defence skills, the manufactuers have claimed.

Racists Undermining Army's Mission To Kill Brown People

RACISTS are damaging the reputation of the British Army and undermining its mission to kill brown people, it was claimed last night.

Man Describes How He Survived Barrier Reef Minogue Attack

A BRITISH tourist last night described the moment he was attacked by Dannii Minogue while diving off the coast of Northern Australia.

Everyone To Run Everything By Stephen Fry

EVERYONE is to run everything past Stephen Fry first just to make sure it's okay, it was confirmed last night.

Balloon Hoax Is A Hoax Balloon Hoax, Claims FBI

THE Colorado balloon hoax is really a hoax balloon hoax, the FBI said last night.

Arctic To Be Just Lovely

THE Arctic Circle is on course to be really quite lovely by 2019, new research has confirmed.

Angry Cheryl Fans Demand Real Miming

CHERYL Cole has angered fans after it emerged she will perform on the X-Factor using a remote controlled, animatronic mouth to mimic the appearance of live miming.