Ryanair Planes To Smell Strongly Of Urine And Faeces

BUDGET airline Ryanair is to introduce the overwhelming stench of bodily waste to its 145 routes across Europe.

Scientists Uncover Earliest Threesome

SCIENTISTS have uncovered the earliest evidence of pre-historic man's attempts to persuade two women to join him in a threesome.

Aha Ha Ha Ha Ha, Says Goodwin

AHA ha ha ha ha ha ha, aha ha ha, aha ha ha ha ha, former Royal Bank of Scotland chief executive Sir Fred Goodwin said last night.

NHS To Use Staples For Everything

THE National Health Service is to start using staples for everything, doctors confirmed last night.

Music To Stay Exactly The Same Forever

POPULAR music is to remain precisely as it is for ever and ever after Oasis were named best band at last night's NME awards.

Facebook Gives You Short Attention Span, Says... Ooh What's That?

SOCIAL networking sites like Facebook and Bebo are infantalising the human brain and encouraging instant gratification, short attention spans and ooh, look, a funny cat picture.

Gail Trimble To Be Burnt As A Witch

GAIL Trimble, the University Challenge juggernaut, is to be burnt as a witch, it has been confirmed.

Police Looking Forward To ‘summer Of Truncheons’

POLICE forces across the UK are looking forward to cracking dozens of middle class skulls this summer, a senior officer said yesterday.