Microsoft Offers Students Cut-Price Infuriating Crap

STUDENTS can have Windows 7 irritate the shit out of them for a reduced fee of £30, Microsoft has announced.

Tiresome Feminist Hippies Target Increasingly Pointless Oaf

AN oaf who makes no difference to anything was last night targeted by some hippies with no boyfriends.

Only Way To Save Blackpool Tourism Is To Destroy Rest Of UK, Say Experts

BLACKPOOL'S  tourism industry can be saved if the rest of the United Kingdom is reduced to charred, smouldering rubble, it was claimed last night.

Cowell Sends Urchins Back To Workhouse

STREET urchins Diversity are to be returned to the workhouse on half rations after humiliating their master in front of the prime minister.

TUC Backs Workplace Tit Ban

BRITAIN'S trade unions have called for a ban on workplace tits, claiming they are demeaning to women and could block fire exits.

Duuuh, Everyone Tells Jimmy Carter

EVERYONE said 'duuuh' last night after former US president Jimmy Carter accused Barack Obama's critics of racism.

Skank Gene Isolated

TEENAGE girls who have sex before they are old enough to have a library card are a victim of their DNA, it was claimed last night.

Dinner Ladies To Be Installed In All UK Homes

FOUL-tempered old women with massively thick limbs are to be installed in British homes in a government move to limit food wastage.