New Army Uniforms To Camouflage Lack Of Basic Equipment

BRITISH troops in Afghanistan are to be issued with new uniforms that can disguise the fact they are armed with nothing but rusty tin-openers.

Lonely People Reminded They Don't Have To Spend Christmas With Liz Jones

A CHARITY campaign for people spending Christmas alone has reminded them they could be with Liz Jones instead.

Why Can't Britain Learn How Not To Go Outside?

AS the latest cold snap brought Britain to a standstill, anger was growing over the country's inability to just say 'fuck this' and watch loads of DVDs.

Cowell To Launch 'Britain's Got Rage'

SIMON Cowell last night unveiled plans for a new television format showcasing the best of Britain's amateur rage.

TV Audiences Now Inversely Proportional To Things Worth Watching

TELEVISION audiences in the UK are increasing as the proportion of programmes that are functionally unwatchable hurtles towards 100%, according to a new study.

Airline Collapse Leaves Travellers Stranded On Dinosaur Island

THE collapse of budget airline Flyglobespan has left hundreds of passengers marooned on a remote island populated by dinosaurs and cannibals.

Davina Mccall Forced To Eat Own Foot

HEAVY snow across the south east of England last night forced Big Brother presenter Davina McCall to eat her own foot.

Is It Ethical To Burgle A House If It Belongs To Ben Fogle?

BEN Fogle has foiled an attempted burglary at his home, re-igniting the debate over what you can and cannot do to the TV presenter.