Scottish border guards would force Englishmen to squeal like a pig

AN independent Scotland would have border checkpoints where guards would force English tourists to squeal like pigs.

RBS admits concept of 'good bank' too much of a headf*ck

ROYAL Bank of Scotland is not going to split after admitting the concept of a 'good bank' is too mental to contemplate.

Audiophiles luring youngsters into boring conversations

PARENTS have been warned about audiophiles, who are increasingly targeting young people for dull chats about hi-fi.

Lonely man seizes opportunity to carve face into vegetable

SOCIALLY isolated Tom Logan is celebrating being able to make a 'vege-wife' without being labelled insane.

We like this album, say strangers

A HANDFUL of people you've never met have announced liking an album by James Blake.

New Call of Duty game to be based on TA

THE new Call of Duty game will feature the exploits of the Territorial Army, the developers have revealed.

Children evil

CHILDREN'S love of Halloween proves that they are innately evil, it has been claimed.

Tablet computers 'under too much pressure to be thin'

TABLET computers have attacked their makers' obsession with slender bodies.