News

Brighton to become the UK’s first ‘twats only’ town

UNBEARABLY smug seaside twat haven Brighton is to ban ordinary people.

Queen reiterates opposition to Nazi genocide

THE Queen has made it clear that she has never been in favour of the Holocaust.

Nation to be weaned off Percy Pigs

MARKS & Spencer is set to replace Percy Pigs with methadone at its tills.

Australian celebrates punching a shark with can of surprisingly weak lager

AN Australian surfer has celebrated beating a shark in a fight by drinking a tin of weak, fizzy beer.

New Ant-Man film mainly about how dirty everything is

NEW superhero film Ant-Man  is about how absolutely filthy your house seems when you are only a few millimetres tall.

We will raise interest rates, says Bank of England’s chief necromancer

THE black coven of warlocks at the heart of the Bank of England will raise interest rates by the new year, they have sworn.

Septum rings ‘have the same timeless appeal as eyebrow piercings’

THE fashionable septum piercing will look cool forever much as eyebrow rings do, it has been claimed.

Kids looking forward to carefree summer being a massive burden

CHILDREN across the country are excited for a long, magical summer of being cared for by whoever is available.