News

Last ‘older-looking kid who buys porn for friends’ retires

THE UK’s last working porn-getter has retired.

Businesses warn fines for bad reviews will almost certainly catch on

BUSINESSES have warned they will be forced to start fining customers who complain.

New Cold War ‘will trigger tedious spy novels’

A NEW Cold War could result in hundreds of incomprehensible spy novels, experts have warned.

'Arm' removed from dictionary to make room for 'vape'

THE word 'arm' has been deleted from the Oxford English Dictionary to accommodate 'vape'.

Seal open to relationship outside his species

A SEAL has confirmed that he would be open to dating other types of animal if the chemistry was right.

Trees sinister again

TREES have reverted to being malevolent skeletal shadows looming in your peripheral vision.

Scotland getting pretty fed up with reality checks

SCOTLAND has had quite enough of inconvenient reality, it has been confirmed.

Employers will hire any f*ckwit if they went to a fancy school

BOSSES have confirmed they want to hire people who attended fancy schools, even if they are utter morons.