News

Poppies must be visible from every angle, say Poppy Police

REMEMBRANCE Day poppies must be worn to be visible from any angle to avoid disrespecting the fallen, the Poppy Police have confirmed.

Single woman imagines married friends give a shit about her love life

A SINGLE woman is convinced her coupled-up friends cannot wait to hear the latest instalment of the crazy rollercoaster that is her love life.

Potato struggling with body confidence

A POTATO is feeling self-conscious of its weight and body shape compared to svelte vegetables like carrots and green beans.

Mary Portas seen giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to jewellery shop

MARY Portas has been filmed desperately attempting to resuscitate a dying branch of Warren James jewellers in Margate high street.

The Mash guide to the must-have toys this Christmas

CHRISTMAS is coming, and more importantly so is Black Friday, so it’s time for parents to dig deep and queue for eight hours for this year’s must-have toys.

Toilet walls now allow 280 characters of scrawl

ANGRY people who scrawl offensive filth on the walls of public toilets can now make their messages twice as long.

The real battle is fighting off all the ladies, says top Call of Duty player

AN OBSESSIVE Call of Duty player claims the real war is fending off the women who want to snatch him from his gaming chair.

iPhone X too good for this world

THE iPhone X shatters on contact with any solid object because it is too good for our material plane, Apple has explained.