UNBEARABLY smug seaside twat haven Brighton is to ban ordinary people.
THE Queen has made it clear that she has never been in favour of the Holocaust.
MARKS & Spencer is set to replace Percy Pigs with methadone at its tills.
AN Australian surfer has celebrated beating a shark in a fight by drinking a tin of weak, fizzy beer.
NEW superhero film Ant-Man is about how absolutely filthy your house seems when you are only a few millimetres tall.
THE black coven of warlocks at the heart of the Bank of England will raise interest rates by the new year, they have sworn.
THE fashionable septum piercing will look cool forever much as eyebrow rings do, it has been claimed.
CHILDREN across the country are excited for a long, magical summer of being cared for by whoever is available.