News

Refugees must constantly hum ‘Gimme Shelter’

ASYLUM seekers must make themselves identifiable by humming Gimme Shelter by The Rolling Stones, ministers have confirmed.

Cameron reluctantly pulls on wellies and prepares to wank out some fake sympathy

THE prime minister has grudgingly agreed to visit flood victims for one final time, it has emerged.

Job interviews where you ‘really get on’ mean you’re shit

JOB interviewers are chatty and laugh at your jokes if they think you are time-wasting scum, it has emerged.

Pseudo-scientific diet fails to stop scientific illness

A WOMAN has contracted a stinking cold despite following a special diet based on wishful thinking.

Arsehole brings his own bowling ball

AN INSUFFERABLE tit brought his own bowling ball along to the office night-out, it has emerged.

Facebook to add ‘F**k That' button to events

PEOPLE will be able to say ‘F**k That' to event invitations from next week, Facebook has confirmed.

Wales not sure how it could be more prepared for rain

RESIDENTS of Wales are not particularly alarmed at the prospect of heavy rain, it has emerged.

Grateful nation salutes heavy drinkers

BRITAIN has paid tribute to the so-called ‘problem’ drinkers who have raised billions in tax revenue.