News

Glass exists, admit flies

FLIES have admitted the universe contains a substance which light can pass through but they cannot.

Criticising schools ‘vital’ to shit parenting

CONSTANTLY criticising your child’s school is a vital part of being a shit parent, it has been claimed.

Face paint threatens Amazon ecosystem

MILLIONS of gallons of face paint washed off in the wake of Brazil’s humiliating defeat have turned the nation’s rivers turquoise.

Clooney considers switching to Daily Express

ACTOR George Clooney may break the habit of a lifetime and switch from the Daily Mail to the Daily Express.

UK to decriminalise crap weed

THE Drugs Policy Unit has announced that the possession of poor quality cannabis is no longer against the law.

Kickstarter ignores cancer cure in favour of gnome hat

A CANCER cure has lost out on Kickstarter to a humorous scheme to buy a garden gnome a hat.

Supermarkets openly targeting tight bastards

TESCO has launched a special Tight Bastard range aimed at misers.

UK in deadly grip of Pimm’s

BRITAIN is reeling under an onslaught of Pimm’s-fuelled violence and disorder due to forgetting that the summer drink is alcoholic.