News

Man voting to stay in EU because he thinks he’s sophisticated

A MAN is convinced that Britain should stay in Europe because he imagines it gives him continental flair.

2016 to end early

2016 is to be brought to an early end before anybody else dies.

Teabag not given proper two-hour side-of-sink mourning period

NORTHERN parents are furious with their son for throwing a used teabag straight in the bin instead of showing it the proper respect.

Farmers celebrate spring by spraying shit everywhere

FARMERS have decided to spray gallons of rotting excrement everywhere now that it is nice to go outside again, it has emerged.

Royalists now just weird people

THE only people who support the monarchy are rather strange with a lot of time on their hands, it has emerged.

America warns that if UK quits Europe it will probably invade

THE US will probably invade Britain if it leaves the EU, according to senior White House sources.

Woman launches campaign to ban microbeads after she’s finished her shower gel

A WOMAN has launched a campaign to ban microbeads as soon as she has finished a particularly expensive bottle of shower gel.

Man searching for emoji to convey existential despair

A MAN is having problems expressing his sense that life is an empty shout in a meaningless, howling void using only emojis.