ACCIDENT and emergency services can now only be accessed via the internet, the government has announced.
THE famous 40-a-day pigeons of Trafalgar Square are going to ignore new laws against smoking in public.
ELDERLY men have warned the public not to try making friends with them.
A TRAFFIC island which was the UK's last piece of infrastructure has been sold to the private sector.
WORKERS over 45 are to be given daily breaks to lose themselves in vivid recollections of the past.
RETIRED people allowed to dip into their pension pots have blown the lot on porcelain figurines.
YOUR behaviour when you are drunk represents your true personality, scientists have confirmed.
GHOSTS are a load of bollocks, it has been confirmed.