Lemmy confirms he is immortal

MOTORHEAD frontman Lemmy has reassured fans that he is eternal and will never die.

Internet to cover for junior doctors during strike

ANYONE feeling ill during the doctors’ strike has been advised to just look it up on a computer.

Please stop now, say children in need

NEEDY children across Britain have asked that tonight's Children in Need is the last.

All women bisexual, claims scientist clearly hoping for threesome

A SCIENTIST has concluded that all women are attracted to both sexes, especially his long-term girlfriend and her best friend Mandy.

Self-deprecating remark about age goes unchallenged

A MAN is taking legal action after colleagues failed to reassure him when he joked about everything being in black and white when he was young.

Man in suit feeling pretty f**king special

A MAN wearing a business suit feels purposeful as f*ck, it has been confirmed.

Hard local man wrongly assumed to be ‘Movember’ participant

A LOCAL hard person with a moustache has aggressively confirmed that he has never heard of Movember.

Luke Skywalker not in new Star Wars film because he was always shit

LUKE Skywalker does not appear in the new Star Wars movie because he is the worst character in the series by far, it has been confirmed.