Women are so moody, says man who tells them to smile all the time

A MAN who constantly tells women to smile cannot work out why they are all so moody.

F**ked-up space penguin to be best thing about new Star Wars

THAT weird half-penguin half-guinea pig thing in the new Star Wars movie will turn out to be easily the best bit, insiders have claimed.

Cocaine use in restaurant trade possibly linked to idiotic food and ludicrous prices, say experts

A HIGH level of cocaine use in upmarket restaurants may explain why the dishes all sound idiotic and the prices are insane, it has been claimed.

Man realises all the women in his life would have been condemned as witches 500 years ago

A MAN has realised the women in his life would once have been considered witches due to their belief in herbs, the power of cats and having a ‘sixth sense’ about things.

North threatened by closure of essay mills

THE great essay mills of Northern Britain, which cover the country from Blackpool to Middlesbrough churning out dissertations, may have to close.

Bride's pre-wedding nightmare proves 100 percent accurate

A BRIDE’S pre-wedding nightmare where everything went wrong on her big day turned out to be spot on, it has been confirmed.

The Daily Mash guide to beating student debt

Remember, you don’t have to live on campus. If rent is sky-high near your London university, you can always find a much more affordable place in the Welsh valleys and commute in.

Government recommends watching 'Doctors' instead of using NHS

THE government has told people to watch BBC soap Doctors before calling their GP just in case the show includes a storyline about their condition.