News

Australian celebrates punching a shark with can of surprisingly weak lager

AN Australian surfer has celebrated beating a shark in a fight by drinking a tin of weak, fizzy beer.

New Ant-Man film mainly about how dirty everything is

NEW superhero film Ant-Man  is about how absolutely filthy your house seems when you are only a few millimetres tall.

We will raise interest rates, says Bank of England’s chief necromancer

THE black coven of warlocks at the heart of the Bank of England will raise interest rates by the new year, they have sworn.

Septum rings ‘have the same timeless appeal as eyebrow piercings’

THE fashionable septum piercing will look cool forever much as eyebrow rings do, it has been claimed.

Kids looking forward to carefree summer being a massive burden

CHILDREN across the country are excited for a long, magical summer of being cared for by whoever is available.

NASA probe submits $11bn claim for ‘travel to work’ expenses

THE New Horizons probe paid for its own fuel to get to Pluto, it has emerged.

Trainspotting 2 to be junkie superhero film

THE sequel to Trainspotting will be a superhero film about a man who gets special powers from 'space heroin'.

Teenager gets summer job for rest of life

A TEENAGER has taken the summer job which he will retire from in 2063.