Kids demanding Frozen toys told to let it go

CHILDREN demanding Frozen merchandise for Christmas have been referred to the lyrics of the song they never stop singing.

Premier Foods unveils strawberry flavoured bastards

PREMIER Foods has unveiled a new range of bastards who smell of fresh strawberries.

Number of people on conference call somewhere between five and 130,000

THE number of people simultaneously talking down a static-filled phone line has been estimated as between five and the entire population of Preston.

Rail companies one step closer to perfectly empty trains

RAIL operators are moving ever closer to a network completely rid of annoying passengers.

Daniel Craig to sing Bond theme himself

BOND star Daniel Craig has only agreed to star in the upcoming Spectre if he is allowed to perform the theme tune.

Hip hop 'just middle-class wordplay'

RAP music has been exposed as nothing but clever puns, allusions and references like a Radio Four panel game.

Advent calendar just one more thing you’re behind on

THE daily pressure of opening a door on an advent calendar is already proving too much for overworked Britons.

Women told to give birth in safari parks

PREGNANT women have been advised to forget boring hospitals and to go into labour in nightclubs, on trains and in safari parks instead.