News

Aldi and Waitrose like Batman and the Joker

SWORN adversaries Aldi and Waitrose need each other on some weird level, it has been claimed.

ISIS punishments a tad lenient, say Mail readers

READERS of the Daily Mail have declared ISIS’s stance on crime and sex to be disappointingly soft.

96 per cent of enthusiasm fake

INDIVIDUALS who claim to be enthusiastic actually just like hearing themselves speak.

‘Retweet with comment’ allows moral crusaders more time for porn

TWITTER'S new 'retweet with comment' feature has made feigning concern quicker, so that users can get back to looking at pornography.

Teletubbies to return with dead one just lying on the floor

CHILDREN’S TV hit Teletubbies is to return, featuring the dead body of Tinky Winky which is ignored by his former friends.

Goth sanctuary site confirmed

A CREPUSCULAR forest wherein echoes the melancholic song of the nightingale is to become the UK’s first goth sanctuary.

American Pie ‘is mainly just stuff that rhymes’

DON Maclean has apologised to American Pie obsessives, admitting he was just trying to make it rhyme.

Egg hunt enters desperate phase

THE search for a missing Maltesers egg has continued through the night.