News

Rebooted Bond to be a shambling drunk

PRODUCERS have confirmed that the next Bond movie will feature him getting kicked out of Wetherspoons.

Leaked Doctor Who scripts reveal emphasis on monsters and space

THE new season of Doctor Who will involve space travel, monsters and chase sequences, leaked scripts have revealed.

Shameless cat won't catch mice but expects YOU to feed him

TOMCAT Roy Hobbs says he can't be bothered to catch mice, preferring to eat shitloads of Go-Cat.

Vanish Tip Exchange is the new Twitter

TWITTER is being abandoned by users aged 16-24 in favour of the thriving and lawless Vanish Tip Exchange.

Music charts to include songs that pop into your head

THE top 40 will take into account songs that pop into your head for no reason, it has been announced.

Sex acts are official currency of Magaluf

BLOW jobs are an official unit of currency in Magaluf, it has emerged.

Public warned not to acknowledge festival wristbands

PEOPLE wearing expired festival wristbands are a limitless source of tiresome drug anecdotes, it has been claimed.

Libertines can’t believe how fat their fans are now

PETE Doherty has expressed his amazement at how chunky Libertines fans have gotten.