News

Berry awards Bake-Off prize to herself

MARY Berry last night declared herself the winner of The Great British Bake-Off.

UKIP to make Star Trek movie

UKIP is to use its election war chest to produce a Star Trek film about the failure of galactic multi-culturalism.

People who claim to have watched Twin Peaks mostly lying

MOST people claiming to have seen the original Twin Peaks series are not telling the truth, it has emerged.

Candy Crush Norse saga discovered

THE original Norse legend upon which the Candy Crush Saga is based has been unearthed by archaeologists.

Ebola to be contained within Apprentice house

IF anyone in the UK is going to get ebola it should be the contestants on BBC1’s The Apprentice, according to COBRA.

Dads begin obsessive relationship with thermostat

THE nation's fathers have forbidden anyone else to touch or even look at the central heating thermostat.

Mothers demand creation of 150,000 princess jobs

PARENTS fear that thousands of princesses-in-training will struggle to find livelihoods.

Rail companies activate weather machine

PRIVATISED rail companies are using a weather machine to justify their piss-poor service, it has emerged.