The real battle is fighting off all the ladies, says top Call of Duty player

AN OBSESSIVE Call of Duty player claims the real war is fending off the women who want to snatch him from his gaming chair.

iPhone X too good for this world

THE iPhone X shatters on contact with any solid object because it is too good for our material plane, Apple has explained.

Man's wellbeing improved by job on bullshit wellbeing survey

A MAN is much happier after getting a well-paid job on a dubious survey into the nation’s ‘wellbeing’, he has revealed.

Twats who moved out of London want a medal or something

A COUPLE who moved from London to Bristol are talking as if they’ve done something extremely brave.

You're the ones who are wrong, people who have already done Christmas shopping told

PEOPLE who have already finished their Christmas shopping have been told that they are the ones who are somehow deficient.

I've leased this Snickers back to myself via an offshore holding company, says man caught shoplifting

A MAN leaving a shop without paying for a Snickers has explained that, thanks to a network of complex offshore arrangements, it is perfectly legal.

Woman using star sign as excuse for being total nightmare

A WOMAN is attempting to get away with being a bellend by claiming it’s because she is a Gemini, it has emerged.

Living Wage renamed Still Properly Skint Wage

THE Living Wage is to be renamed to reflect a world where broadband coats £38 a month and fags are a tenner.