Cyclist knocks 0.3 seconds off commute with skintight lycra bodysuit

A CYCLIST has achieved a new personal best by commuting to work in a skintight lycra bodysuit that shows the exact outline of his penis.

Grammar schooling to reintroduce concept of ‘riff-raff’

THE government is to bring back the term ‘riff-raff’, which will be used to describe the sort of children not welcome at new grammar schools.

Man on train has actually paid for a seat for his bag

A MAN on a crowded train has actually bought a ticket for the bag on the seat next to him.

Owner of outdated iPhone already in physical pain

THE owner of an iPhone 6s is already feeling shame, humiliation and actual physical pain every time he attempts to use it.

Deadbeat uncle still thinks he is cool uncle

A DEADBEAT uncle mistakenly believes he is a cool uncle, it has emerged.

School uniform row has something for every idiot

A ROW over school uniforms has delighted a wide range of idiots across the UK.

Everyone quite capable of taking drugs at home

BRITONS do not need to go to a nightclub to take drugs, it has been confirmed.

Australia ideal trading partner, say Britons happy to wait three months for stuff

AUSTRALIA is the perfect trading partner for Britain due to being on the other side of the world, UK residents agree.