U2 WILL skip an inevitable decade of falling sales, a split and solo albums by going directly to the long-awaited reunion tour, it has been announced.
BRITONS have given their full support to any activity that involves stealth bombers.
SALES of tiresome penis and fart-related joke products are expected to hit £569bn today.
A MARRIED couple who have not spoken since 1994 have no idea what they are called, their children confirmed.
CATHEDRAL architects must be vetted so they do not design buildings that look Turkish, UKIP has demanded.
ALL remaining public assets are to be transferred to Richard Branson to see what he does with them.
MEN who love vinyl records have been told to just f**king marry them and live happily ever after.
A BLACK Friday shopper has stopped hitting a pensioner in the face so she can take in the atmosphere.