Man with new trainers terrified of filthy world

A MAN who has bought new trainers can no longer leave the house for fear of what might happen to them.

Flavour of Irn-Bru shrouded in mystery

NOBODY knows what the flavour of Irn-Bru is supposed to be, it has emerged.

Workers advised to overpower boss and take the money

BRITISH workers in need of a pay rise could simply take it by force, it has been claimed.

Magna Carta gives England back to France

HISTORIANS are studying an edition of the Magna Carta that makes England French property from June.

Remaining Kula Shaker fans to breed

THE last two people who listen to the music of Kula Shaker are undergoing enforced breeding to prevent the extinction of their kind.

Think pieces ‘better than action’

WRITING 900 words about injustice for a broadsheet newspaper is more effective than getting off your arse and doing something about it, it has been claimed.

Ukraine to be put up high where Putin can't reach it

UKRAINE is to be detached from the earth and floated 6,000m above sea level so Russia will not be tempted to invade.

Servants' quarters counted as social housing

A LONDON development has included below-stairs maids' rooms as its quota of social housing.