News

Airports to combine body searches with eating, shopping and the toilet

AIRPORTS are to minimise delays by searching your insides while you eat, shop and go to the lavatory.

Queen destroys aircraft carrier

THE Queen has destroyed Britain’s newest aircraft carrier after hitting it with a bottle of whisky.

Business success based on crossing your arms

THE secret to being successful in business is posing for photographs with your arms crossed, studies have shown.

US celebrates victory over aliens

THE USA is paying tribute to Will Smith and the heroes who fought back the alien invasion of 1996.

Literal surnames to be reintroduced

MEDIEVAL-STYLE surnames that describe a person’s job or characteristics are to be brought back, the government has announced.

Tattooists asked to switch back to Chinese

TATTOO artists have been told to go back to using foreign languages by observers horrified by the trite sentiments of modern tattoos.

Yoghurt industry blamed for encouraging bacteria

THE yoghurt industry must start making antibiotic yoghurts or everyone will die, experts have claimed.

Thirtysomethings make half-hearted plan to meet up

SOME friends in their mid-thirties have made a vague, doomed plan to have a drink.