GREY squirrels are to be culled as part of a wider campaign against species with very large penises.
THE current year has been abandoned as a waste of everyone's time after just five days.
BUCKINGHAM Palace is working overtime to stop the public losing respect for Prince Andrew.
THE announcement of increased train ticket prices has caused millions to use the strongest possible expletive.
BRITONS are describing their Christmas break to each other using a single semi-intelligible sound.
THE plummeting oil price will create a perfect world of traffic jams and a foul-smelling greyish-green fog.
THOUSANDS of British families are celebrating Christmas by watching some girl-on-girl action.
THE Queen will use her annual Christmas message to announce that she will never die.