Woman who lives for weekend has another shit weekend

A WOMAN who lives for the weekend has had yet another dreadful weekend, she has admitted.

Blood drains from man's face as he realises this is a vegan cafe

A MAN queuing at a cafe has realised too late that it only sells vegan things which taste unpleasant.

Prosecco and Frosty Jack drinkers in park holding each other in equal contempt

A GROUP of Prosecco drinkers and a group of Frosty Jack drinkers have deeply resented each others' presence in a public park.

Tosspots get their frisbees out

THE time has come to throw a plastic disc around, Britain's tosspots have confirmed.

Restaurant serving deconstructed burger asked to reconstruct it

A DINER has demanded a restaurant 'do the right thing' and put his ironic, deconstructed burger back together again.

Everything man does is against his better judgement

A MAN has realised that literally every action he takes is against his own better judgement.

Grown man has irrational fear of kids doing wheelies

A MIDDLE-AGED man feels illogically threatened by 13-year-olds larking about on BMXs as if they might do something terrible to him.

Git 'pops round' without texting first

A WOMAN who visits with no prior warning is a pain in the arse, her friends have confirmed.