Police Threaten To Stop Shooting Brazilians In The Face

POLICE are threatening an immediate halt to all Brazilian face-shootings as part of their ongoing pay row with the government.

Childhood Should Begin At Birth, Says Minister

THE government has unveiled its 10 year vision for Britain's children with a pledge that childhood will now begin at birth.

Diana Assassin 'Did Not Seem Intent On Murder'

THE MI6 assassin who killed Diana, Princess of Wales did not seem intent on murder just hours before her fatal crash, her inquest has been told. 

Humans 'Not Evolved Enough' To Keep Quiet During A Film

HUMAN evolution is speeding up but most people are still genetically unable to keep their fucking mouths shut while watching a film, scientists said last night.

Fuck Nativity plays, we're doing The Godfather, say five year-olds

THE number of primary schools ditching the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of key scenes from The Godfather is at an all-time high.

Bra Research Must Go On, Vows Scientist

THE RESEARCHER developing an intelligent bra says there is ‘no way’ it is finished and that he may have to carry on studying women’s breasts for decades. 

Canoeist Charged With Being An Arse

SUSPECTED canoeist John Darwin appeared before magistrates this morning charged with three counts of being a complete arse.

UK Launches Crackdown On Foreign Wind

THE government has unveiled ambitious plans to end Britain's dependence on foreign wind by 2020.