News

14 Billion Tons Of Bullshit Pumped Into Firth Of Forth

EXPERTS warned of an environmental catastrophe last night after enough bullshit to fill 6.5 billion Vauxhall Zafiras poured into the Forth estuary.

Serial Killer Was 'Outgoing And Chatty' Say Neighbours

SHOCKED residents of a small Scottish village have revealed that the serial killer who lived among them was "a really nice fellow" who always had time for a chat and was especially good with kids.

White Wine 'Good For Getting You Fired' Say Docs

DRINKING four or five large glasses of white wine at an office night out increases your chances of being sacked by up to 80 per cent, new research shows.

Middleton Calls For Abolition Of The Monarchy

JILTED royal girlfriend Kate Middleton is to campaign for the abolition of the monarchy and the establishment of a British republic.

Global Warming Will Make Statues Come To Life, Say Experts

RISING CO2 levels will cause statues to come to life and wreak blood-thirsty revenge on their human tormentors, scientists warned today.

Boffins Invent Self-Hoovering Floor

SCIENTISTS at Dundee University have patented what they claim is the world's first self-hoovering floor.

Scotland To Ban Swearing In Public Places

THE Scottish Parliament is drawing up plans for a wide-ranging ban on swear words in public places.

Scottish Executive 'Removed Workers' Body Parts, While They Were Still At Their Desks'

AN official inquiry is to be launched into claims the Scottish Executive removed the body parts of staff while they were sitting at their desks.