Listening To Sting Makes Wine Taste Like Tramp’s Piss

LISTENING to any record by Sting while drinking wine will make even the finest vintage taste like rancid tramp's urine, research reveals.

Middle-Aged Man Mowing Lawn Nominated For Turner Prize

A MIDDLE-aged man has admitted he was surprised to be nominated for the biggest prize in art, stressing he really was just mowing his lawn.

Sex And The City 'Totally Empowering', Says Manky Slapper

SEX and the City is totally empowering and totally feminist – but in a good way, fans of the show said last night.

Fiennes Leads Expedition To Find Source Of Fucking Gas Prices

WORLD famous explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes is to lead a one-year expedition to discover why the fuck gas prices keep going up. 

Leo Conceived After I Wore A Bag On My Head, Reveals Cherie

CHERIE Blair has revealed how she conceived her fourth child after agreeing to wear a bag on her head.

Deprived Children Had Not Paid Licence Fee, Says BBC

THE BBC kept £100,000 it had raised for deprived children after discovering none of them had paid their licence fee, the Corporation said last night.

Robbie Orders Britain: Strip Down To Your Undies

BRITIAN will arrive at work this morning dressed in nothing but its underpants, following the latest decree from Robbie Williams.