News

'F**k the Tories' is impartial, say experts

EXPERTS have agreed that Channel 4 news presenter Jon Snow shouting ‘F**k the Tories’ at Glastonbury counts as an impartial, middle-ground statement these days.

Facebook reminds man that four years ago he used to use Facebook

FACEBOOK’S ‘On this day… four years ago’ feature has reminded a Facebook user that four years ago he used to actually post stuff.

Britain still hopelessly divided between far too hot and bloody freezing

THE divide between Britain being ridiculously, painfully hot and absolutely fucking freezing is starker than ever, meteorologists have confirmed.

Man’s career plan based on having successful friends

A MAN has abandoned his plan to work hard and is instead focusing on having successful friends.

Britons physically incapable of having just one drink

MOST Britons cannot possibly have just one drink, researchers have confirmed.

Dinner party dominated by analysis of subtext in Paw Patrol

A DINNER party where the majority of guests are parents was dominated by an in-depth analysis of animated rescue dog show Paw Patrol.

Cat 'f**king livid' after human managed to walk up behind it

A CAT is incandescent with rage after his finely-honed hunting instincts failed to detect a man walking up behind him.

Google to pay £2bn fine by blackmailing you about your search history

GOOGLE has unveiled plans to pay its £2bn EU fine by blackmailing you about all the weird and/or dirty things you look up on the internet every single day.