News

One in four newborns is a 29-year-old Polish bathroom fitter

THE UK's population boom is caused by British mothers giving birth to fully-grown Eastern European tradespeople, research has shown.

No Garys left in Britain by 2050

GARYS could be wiped out within a generation after it emerged there have been no children named Gary since 1992.

Crowd not bothered about second encore

FANS attending a Wombats gig have half-heartedly requested the band return a second time while checking their phones.

Celebrities now landing planes wherever they feel like

CELEBRITIES are so detached from everyday life they are landing their planes wherever they want, experts have claimed.

‘World Book Day’ sees every child dressed as film character

EVERY child who dressed up for ‘World Book Day’ was just a character from a popular film.

Venues must set tickets aside for weird people

NIGHTCLUBS must now reserve five per cent of their tickets for strange social misfits.

Suburban rats are loathsome social climbers

SO-CALLED ‘suburban’ rats are appalling bourgeois snobs, it has been claimed.

Israel declares US has declared war on Iran

ISRAELI prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced that the United States is at war with Iran.