THE average life expectancy has increased by six bitter, ignorant years since 1990, researchers have found.
THE producers of Gogglebox have confirmed that the departing Michael family will be replaced with five hooting gibbons.
THE security services are planning to discredit Russell Brand by having him caught in an affair with a disreputable young woman.
A CHILD of five has asked Santa Claus for a f**king £400 iPad in his Christmas stocking.
KIM Jong Un has told Hollywood to stick to sexually attractive vampires or he will have everyone killed.
A COMMITTED racist and homophobe has blamed pain-killing medication for a string of cogent arguments in favour of multi-culturalism and gay rights.
THE proprietor of a shop selling tasteful artisan gifts has realised it is all just so f*cking irrelevant.
THE creators of a tedious, badly-designed computer game are hurriedly adding gratuitous sex and violence.