Media begin search for new far right nutter to turn into a household name

THE UK media are actively seeking  a new braying, right wing idiot to feature over-prominently in news and current affairs programmes.

Joy of spring curtailed by remembering it pisses it down throughout

BRITAIN’S brief joy at the arrival of spring has ceased after remembering that it will rain solidly for two months of it.

Single policeman 'could cover whole UK if they tried hard enough'

ONE policeman could adequately cover the whole UK if they put their back into it, the home secretary has said.

US fears Trump may discover emojis

AMERICA fears it may just be a matter of time before President Trump discovers the emoji keyboard on his phone.

Addiction warnings on heroin packaging ‘the nanny state gone mad’

HEROIN users are criticising laws that the drug must be sold in plain black packaging with health warnings as the ‘nanny state gone mad’.

Parallel-timeline President Hillary Clinton impeached for wearing ugly shoes

PRESIDENT Hillary Clinton in a parallel timeline is facing impeachment and criminal charges for wearing ugly shoes.

Man not sure if book is good enough to go in toilet

A MAN is unsure if the humorous travel book he has just read is of a high enough standard to qualify as lavatory reading.

New bar to call itself 'Pretentious Shithole' and be done with it

A NEW bar will be called 'Pretentious Shithole' after the owners realised that is what most people will call it anyway.