News

FIFA 15 knows which players are secretly gay

THE new FIFA game is so realistic that it knows if players are smokers, drug addicts or closeted homosexuals.

Salmond offered Syria

ALEX Salmond has been asked if he would like to run Syria for a bit.

Stag do spiralled into tameness

A STAG party has petered out after only three hours of drinking.

Parliament puts on Black Sabbath to get everyone in war mood

THE Speaker of the House has stuck on his special war compilation CD to get ministers fired up.

Parallel universe Brian Coxes are cooler and more famous

THE Brian Cox of Earth-161 has confirmed that the multiverse is real and our Brian Cox is a loser.

Anything bends if you f**k about with it enough, says Apple

APPLE has admitted its new iPhone will bend if you are determined to bend it.

Pony does not really see himself as meat

WILD pony Tom Logan has revealed ambitions other than becoming pie filling.

UK deploys devastating infographics against militants

BRITAIN has launched a series of no-nonsense, testosterone-fuelled infographics against ISIS.