A SWINDON man has celebrated the end of his twenties by accepting that none of his childhood ambitions will ever come to pass.
HOUSES are now worth so much they do not want people living in them and lowering their tone, they have announced.
GIRAFFES have confirmed that they are fuelled by hate and plan to exterminate the human race.
A LINCOLN man has visited London to see the locations where all his favourite news bulletins are shot.
A 46-YEAR-OLD man is still plagued by a rumour from his school days that he French-kissed a rabbit.
A WOMAN unknowingly married Ant and Dec in a polygamous wedding ceremony in Newcastle.
A CAT has realised that it can beat up any other cat by cutting out the preliminary staring.
EDINBURGH festival audiences have been warned to avoid anything that critics have tepidly praised with a four-star review.
- Bake Off unveils sacrificial hipster
- Kate’s scuba certificate part of elaborate escape plan
- Man hands teddy bear into lost property instead of putting it on social media
- New laid-back automated checkout doesn’t give a shit what’s in the bagging area
- Time traveller dismayed to see that urinals are still around