News

Woman who just created whole new human couldn’t give a shit about her weight

A WOMAN is too busy marvelling at her ability to create actual human beings to worry about restoring ‘pre-baby body’, she has confirmed.

Tonight the perfect night to do E, confirm doctors

DOCTORS have recommended dropping ecstacy this evening to leave yourself plenty of time for a leisurely recovery.

Original velociraptors to return for Jurassic World 2

THE velociraptors who starred in Jurassic Park will join the cast of the upcoming Jurassic World sequel, they have confirmed.

Fat, balding office manager believes we need a good war

A GOOD solid war would do away with many of the ills of modern society, according to an 55-year-old office manager who weighs 18 stone.

Old fiver is ticking time bomb

BRITONS face a race against time to spend their old £5 notes while they are still legal tender.

Ghost of Blair ordered back to the netherworld

THE Archbishop of Canterbury is to exorcise the unquiet spirit of Tony Blair that is haunting the election, he has announced.

Woman never realised musicals were that shit

A WOMAN who had never been to a musical before had no idea they were quite so awful, she has admitted.

Crazy bastard ignores warning about email having no subject

AN OFFICE worker has gone ahead and fired off an email in total disregard of his computer’s warning that it had no subject.