News

Man celebrates 30th birthday by abandoning dreams

A SWINDON man has celebrated the end of his twenties by accepting that none of his childhood ambitions will ever come to pass.

High-earning houses ban humans from living in them

HOUSES are now worth so much they do not want people living in them and lowering their tone, they have announced.

It’s you or us, say giraffes

GIRAFFES have confirmed that they are fuelled by hate and plan to exterminate the human race.

Man visits place where all the news is from

A LINCOLN man has visited London to see the locations where all his favourite news bulletins are shot.

Middle-aged man still dogged by school rumour about getting off with a rabbit

A 46-YEAR-OLD man is still plagued by a rumour from his school days that he French-kissed a rabbit.

Woman marries Ant and Dec

A WOMAN unknowingly married Ant and Dec in a polygamous wedding ceremony in Newcastle.

Cat wins every fight by just getting in there instead of staring for ages

A CAT has realised that it can beat up any other cat by cutting out the preliminary staring.

Anything with a four-star review definitely shit, Edinburgh punters warned

EDINBURGH festival audiences have been warned to avoid anything that critics have tepidly praised with a four-star review.